Random stuff.....

Some background on me:

• 41st Birthday (December 2007) - learned Day 3 FSH was 12.8 - Ouch!
• January 2008 - first appointment with high-brow RE clinic in NJ
• March/April 2008 - IVF cycle, aggressive protocol, 2 mature follicles, converted to IUI - BFN
• May 2008 - Clinic offers up 4 blasts that originated before 2005 from donor egg and father
• July 2, 2008 - First 2 blasts didn't make thaw, last 2 blasts transferred - told "two good blasts" - chemical pregnancy
• Telephone consult with CCRM next week - best rates in country - 85% for donor egg cycle. Expensive but I'm going for best odds here. Heard the waiting list is 6+ months :( but I'll wait it out for a sweet little bundle, absolutely!

Why did I wait until 41 to have a baby (and single, to boot)?

• Well, time flies, ya know? But it's more than that - much more.
• I was married in my 20's - didn't work out. Two other serious, long-term relationships - one was truly a sociopath whom I am profoundly thankful to be rid of and one shattered my heart because he "wasn't ready" for more. He's currently trolling the dating sites at the age of 40, looking for a college-educated late-twentysomething chippy who is smart, witty, good-hearted, independent, expressive, thoughtful, family-oriented and looks like a supermodel. Yeah, well, I'm sure there are dozens out there eager to marry a balding, 40 year old commitment-phobe. Hmm....I didn't think I was bitter but that rant....uh-oh!
• Since then there have been a few others - the chef (super nice guy but no chemistry), the effeminate mooch (super hot but no wonder he wasn't with someone!), the physicist (LOVED his brain, his personality, his humor - almost happily ever after but he was not only too short, he was petite and UNFORTUNATELY I couldn't overcome it). And a few others not worth mentioning.
  
• I was an only child and my mother's ill health and limited mobility the past 10+ years meant I had a tremendous responsibility to ensure she could continue to live on her own ("independent" living takes a LOT of work from a loved one!) - I vowed to do almost anything to keep her from a nursing home.
• I wasn't bitter about it, actually. I just believe we all have different paths in this life. Mine was not to be the mother of 2.5 kids in suburbia with the nice husband mowing the lawn.
  
• I was raised by a fiery woman who was creative and a little mad (yes, insane and angry, both!) and throughout our love/hate relationship - I felt a deep sense of responsibility and love for her. I can't explain most of it; can't understand it myself - maybe never will.
• In September 2006, mom was diagnosed with end-stage lung cancer (non-smoker) and the prognosis wasn't good.
• It occurred to me, very shortly after her diagnosis (and tears and endless thinking) that, hey, if my mom wasn't in my life, how would my life be different. Most people do as they would normally do - with or without their parents in their lives. That just wasn't my deal - my mother's physical inabilities meant I made different choices for myself. Right or wrong, it was my choice.
  
• But now.....who was I if I wasn't Mom's girl, taking care of her?
  
• The answer came to me almost instantly - I had the green light to move to Singapore, to live under a bridge if I felt like it, to quit my job and climb Everest (yeah, if I was a world class athlete of course, but you get the gist!). I could do anything without first thinking about Mom. Simply put, my relationship with my mother was that of being a mother to her for a very long time now. And as morbid as it seems, I knew that despite the sadness I felt over her impending death, I also knew that I would have to redefine my life at that point.
• I would be a mom. Once I said it, I just knew it was right - it was what I wanted. Wow!
• I was numb when my mother died - I watched her last breath. I don't know that I will ever get over that. It was months before I actually felt the loss. Our brains are so magnificent that they really do protect us from feeling something too powerful for us to handle.
  
• I thought I would take 2008 to organize my life, sell my house, buy a new one, visit with my mom at the cemetery and at some point before my 42nd birthday, I would do a single IUI and become pregnant with a perfect child. HA! That's all I can say to that - eloquent, isn't it? HA-Fricken-HA!

Next steps

• CCRM (Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine) - highest success rates in the country. Patients are literally from around the world. Ridiculously expensive but whatever is in the water out there (or in the lab) is clearly able to justify the cost.
• Hope to be on the Donor Egg waiting list by end of August 2008.