I miss you Mom!

Mom,

Today is the one year anniversary of your death. You died at 1:24 PM on August 10, 2007. You can't imagine how much I miss you.

Did you see me today? I planted the prettiest little flowers around the stone that marks your spot; I know you would have loved that. We had such a difficult relationship but I loved you and I took care of you in my home every moment of your last 3 months on earth - during all the hospice care.

Remember the last few days? There was one time I thought you might have been somewhat aware. I sat you up and I said "I love you, I looooooooooooove you" and in barely a whisper you tried to say it back to me and had a tear in your eye.

Did you hear me mom? I hope you did.

Mommy, if you know, if you're somewhere you can see me, I love you and I'm so sorry when I lost patience, I'm so sorry when you spent a week in hospice and I didn't go every single day. There is no good excuse but all I can say is that I was tired, that I truly needed a break and that I was bearing all of it alone. I hadn't slept an entire, uninterrupted night in months and the anxiety and tension from your ill health had plagued me for over a year at that point. I was barely able to keep it together.

Please forgive me if I was less than I wanted to be, but know I tried - even when I failed, I tried again.

I wish you were here right now for an hour - health and mentally clear. I wish I could tell you about my plans to have a baby and that you could give me your opinion; I so want to know. I wish I could hug you and kiss you and squeeze you 'til you said ouch. The pain of losing you is unbearable sometimes - today is one of those times.

I kept messages you left on my answering machine when you were well because I feared what's happening - that I'm forgetting the sound of your voice. Having been raised in an orphanage, you couldn't have ever imagined how badly I would miss - how searing the pain of losing a mother.

No one would believe how much I'd trade right this moment to have you back for 1 hour, just one. But if you're out there, you know it's true. Please come back to me in some way, even if only in a dream. Let me know you're there and that you hear me.

I will love you and miss you and cry for you until I'm gone too.