But not for the reason you all may think. Sure I want to be a mom but I believe I will be - hopefully next year.
But not having my mom around was harder yesterday than most days. I visited her grave with my little dog Liv and cried my eyes out. I left her a bunch of carnations (she loved them) in lively deep pink, light pink and white. And I planted three little colorful pinwheels. Just in case there's life after death, she is damned happy about the attention - I just know it! :)
My mom's been gone two years in August and in many ways, I don't think I've ever even allowed myself to face it. My mother's gone, forever. No, I can't believe it. I bargain sometimes with the universe and say stupid things like, I wish I had ten million dollars and my mom back (minus the cancer and that her handicap were miraculously gone and I would buy her that awesome house and take her here and there and I'll go on for a f'king hour and then it hits me that she's not sick in her house or in my house or in the hospital. My mom is gone and won't ever ever ever come back and I cannot believe that, I just can't!
I drove out of the cemetery with Liv, crying my eyes out all the way home. It was the most beautiful day in NJ but the road looked treacherous through my tears, like there was a mad rainstorm. And I guess there was in my heart.
I really hope having a baby will make Mother's Day a little better for me.
This is convoluted for a dozen reasons (my family would agree!) but if I could have the above scenario (mom back with her health and physically well and the big lottery win so I could give her what she deserved), I would consider trading the baby pursuit for it. SEE, I just created a worthless bargain again.
I wish there is something more after this place, 'cause I really need to see my mom again. There's so much more I wish I'd said.
Hug your moms tight girls, please.
6 comments:
Hey Sky... I'm sorry you felt so sad yesterday. I can relate, I lost my father in 1999, and it took a long time to get over it. Several years.
I will tell you this: I had an amazing dream where he came to me and told me that I had to let him go now. That it was time for me to move forward with my life.
I've had some other 'ghostly' experiences in my life (involving him and others), and since that dream, I'm pretty convinced that there is something there. I think you will see your mother again, just as I think I'm going to see my father and my brother (and whoever else, depending when I go) again. It's very comforting to remember that.
I think your mother did see those flowers and the pinwheels and she is probably so grateful. See if you can feel her around you. I know it sounds kooky, but try it.
You are going to get to your baby and I think that will help you deal with this.
Hang in there.
Thank you so much for the lovely comment. I definitely feel better today, and very hopeful of the future!
It must be twice as hard to miss mothering in both directions - I know it doesn't help much to think that your bond with your mom will serve you so well as a mother yourself...
But it will.
Sky, so sorry you lost your mom, but I'm glad you brought some happy things to remember her with. I'm sure you mom would hate your bargain to bring her back if it ment her GRANDCHILD would not have a life. You persue that baby dream, and when it comes true your mom will rejoice in your heart, and you'll know.
I'm sorry you had such a difficult day. I lost my mom to cancer gosh, 18 years ago now, but it still hurts - especially when your mother is gone and you are not a mother yourself. Hopefully, next year will be a better year for both of us.
I'm sorry for your loss. Truly.
Post a Comment