Mourning my Genetic Child

During my psychological evaluation at CCRM, the psychologist raised the subject, as I expected she would.

I kick myself for being a straight shooter so often, but I'm led right back down that path soon thereafter. Fabricating politically correct bullshit is easy to do, but anathema to me, truly. I said, "I didn't really feel any deep loss over not having genetic offspring - I would accept someone's kidney if I needed it and I accepted this." Now, I'm not an idiot - I realize there is a difference - ovaries produce the blueprint to make replicas of ourselves and that's pretty powerful stuff. But, still, my eggs don't work and I can transplant someone else's eggs into me to replace a process my body doesn't do anymore. Yeah, too rational and not enough emotion behind it - but it's honestly how I view it.

She's skeptical and proceeds to tell me there are many cycles of grief and that they don't always come in sequence but can bounce around from later stages of grief to an early stage to a middle stage. And I got the point - I could have just bounced right into "acceptance" as my first phase but may be broadsided with anger and sadness later on. And instead of telling her exactly what she wants to hear ("yeah, you're probably right and I'll have to consider that"), I say something like, "maybe, but I've never felt differently than I feel right now." She's stumped. It probably says to her that I'm some awful, unfeeling person who is incapable of bonding to others and should never have a child. Ugh! I wish I could just lie and say what's expected for the sake of having a baby who's going to have an awesome life, by the way! Alas, I'm not that girl, I'm the girl who tells you the truth if you ask for it.

I think about my good friend N. Nine years ago she underwent IVF at the age of 41 (same age when I began). I thought it was so avant-garde and noted it wasn't ever going to be something I'd do. (See why you should shut the fuck up until you're in someone else's shoes?!) Well, after 25K, she learned her eggs weren't working and whether donor eggs weren't popular at the time or the RE just didn't offer it up, N pursued adoption a couple of years later. And from Nepal came an awesome little lady A, who is now almost 6. Last year N was staring at A with that love-struck face mothers have towards their children and said to me "Sky, I'm so grateful that the IVF didn't work or I wouldn't have A - I couldn't love another child more than this." I smiled.

Things work out for the best sometimes.