I don't know what to make of this, really, but for the past couple of weeks, I've been getting a pit in my stomach to imagine myself with a baby. I have had some really bad dreams (unrelated to pregnancy or babies) that have left me feeling scared and barely able to imagine my life going on forever without a husband to quell those fears, never mind having the enormous responsibility of a baby's fears to deal with too.
So why is a childfree life something I can't accept, given I'm unmarried?! It's not even like I have brothers and sisters to help - I'm an only child. Sure, I have a wonderful network of friends but it's SMALL and my closest friend - the one I could count on when the shit hits the fan - lives in Florida. What if something happened to me in the middle of the night that required me to go to the E.R. - who would watch my baby while I was there for a day or more? I can hardly imagine it!
When this kind of fear and insecurity creeps in, I think, heck, I have enough trouble worrying about my animals - how can I deal with a baby?!
This happens VERY infrequently but once in a great while I think about how much I'd love to meet a wonderful man who is smart, interesting, funny, makes a good living and has boundless integrity. Not much to ask for, huh? In the meantime, I'll take someone like Nima Arkani-Hamed (yes, I have very odd interests, heros and tastes in men!) with Chris Rock's quick wit and sense of humor. Hey, he's working in Princeton - just down the road from me!
Back to my chilly toes....For the last few days I've been thinking that if CCRM called me right now with a "perfect match," (not that I am looking for a perfect match) that I would want to say, "I need six more months to give you an answer."
How crazy is that?! (very, I know)
4 comments:
I think questioning oneself is of the utmost importance.
I can only imagine how daunting it might seem to go into this adventure on your own. It makes sense to ask all these questions now, to really investigate your own inner feelings, even if just to double check what you thought you already knew. Maybe you are only wondering now because the likelihood of success is becoming more imminent?
In the long run, small children do build their own communities around you - it would be hard not to become a part of the world that your child occupies. If you work regular hours, you will have a caregiver that becomes a part of your family. You will meet other parents in similar situations, and find a network of people who support each other when necessary.
My husband works out of town for months at a time. Once, he was out of the country and my daughter and I got a terrible flu. Word got out at the preschool, and there were groceries and prepared dinners and medicines and rides to the doctor offered every day. I really thought I would die at one point during that time, and one of the other moms had a nurse friend of hers come over after her hospital shift to check on me.
Anyway, I am not just trying to assuage your uncertainties. I think that at some level a gut reaction is the most important thing you have when making these giant decisions, but I did want to let you know that it might not be as lonely as you think...
Lorraine, you're so wonderful for having written all that. Yes, I did need to hear that. It's tough, in my shoes, not to feel like I am all alone in this world but what you say about small children building a community around you - I think that's very true.
I think as a parent, you are forced to be involved with their caregiving, school, teachers, their little friends, play dates, the park and a bunch of things and experiences you wouldn't have otherwise.
There is so much I can bring to the life of a baby - but there is probably a LOT more that baby can, and will, bring to my life.
I want to trust in that - that life will surprise me and my future will be an even brighter place WITH a child in it.
As to why I'm having these feelings now, you nailed it girl - I think it's the reality of knowing time is ticking down and that any day I may get a profile from CCRM that works perfectly - and then I do feel so positive about it working (I really hope that one doesn't bite me in the ass!) that it makes me think, Ouch! I could be in a delivery room by this time next year - WOW!
(then I shake in my boots a little and feel queasy! :)
Normal. Normal. Normal. With our first pregnancy - after trying for two years - there were many times when I was concerned about how it would change our lives. I got lots of support from DH and wondered how single women do it.
It has got to be even harder to deal with infertility while single. I hope you become a mom and a wife - or whatever you decide is your heart's desire.
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