During the time I've been embroiled in this IF "journey," I've read a million bitter, jealous, angry posts from my IF sisters regarding the fertility of others, their pregnancies, their lives moving forward and - seriously - though I absolutely didn't judge them adversely for it, I didn't get it.
I was born without the jealousy gene; I've said this before. The innate ability to be genuinely happy for someone for getting something I want but don't have has never brought out in me an ounce of bitterness, rather sincere joy for them. I always chalk it up to what's rational and true: If Brad Pitt left Angelina Jolie tomorrow, he still WOULD NOT be mine. So I never got the memo that I should want someone to be without because I'm without. I'm ridiculously grateful for what I've come to see as a special gift I was given. Until . . .
Today. I was having lunch with M, one of my Account Executives from big-ad-agency-in-the-city on campus at my company's cafeteria and, I swear to you, I had a premonition two minutes before he said "K and I are going to have a baby." I could barely swallow my chicken. I looked ahead at my boss who was squealing with delight. M and K have been married maybe 2 years - I knew him when he got engaged! And here he is moving on with his life, but not me.
And what timing! You see, M is the THIRD person to announce a pregnancy to me this week. A woman who sits a stone's throw from me just announced she's in her 5th month and a woman on the strategy team I work with disclosed yesterday that she, indeed, has a "belly bump." This is #2 for both ladies (I knew them both when pregnant with #1).
Truthfully, I am happy for them but I can see how this stung me so harshly this week that it could develop into full-out bitterness and anger. I fear I'll get to a point that I'll want to slap them.
I felt like yelling DON'T YOU ALL KNOW THAT I CAN'T HAVE A BABY ON MY OWN - THAT MY EGGS SUCK, THAT I AM WAITING FOR A CLINIC THAT COSTS MORE THAN MOST OF YOUR NEW CARS TO MAKE A BABY FOR ME - AND YOU GOT IT AFTER A FEW NIGHTS OF GOOD SEX FOR FREE?!
Instead, I looked up "M, that's such wonderful news, when's she due?" He smiled big, "July."
6 comments:
Aww Sky...that's so hard. And three announcements in one week! That's a lot to take in all at once. You were so gracious too in your reply though. I know what it feels like...that life is standing still for you yet others get to move forward. I have no answers for you but just know that you are not alone. Hugs.
Three in a week is definitely overload. I think it's not so much your jealousy gene kicking in as just honestly wondering why things work out the way they do.
There really is nothing to do but put on that smile and say something nice, so good for you. But people who know your story should try to be more sensitive when they break the news - that's just good manners, too.
I will be so happy for you when you get to be the one with the announcement.
I have felt the same way. Somehow I've always felt that just because others were able to get pregnant, doesn't mean that I won't or that they shouldn't because I can't...and then it hit me too. There were just too many joyous announcements at too vulnerable a time for me and I broke. It is totally valid. I still think it is possible to feel this way (heart sinking, stomach ache, tears welling up) and not get bitter. It hurts but that doesn't mean you are bitter. It will be your turn...you are doing everything in your power to have that beautiful little baby of your own (I don't consider genetics to mean anything at all)...its just so damn hard to be patient.
I'm sorry. I distinctly remember your response to one of my particularly venemous posts -- you didn't show the slightest trace of jealousy or ill will toward fertiles. Honestly, I thought perhaps you had come here from another planet, but still liked you all the same. :-)
This is one club that I'm sorry to see you become a member of. But know that it's a perfectly normal reaction. I've got everything possible crossed for you, Sky. I pray that this is your year!
Welcome to the Bitter Barron Club. Sigh. I am only have joking.
I'm sorry about that - three in a week is about three too many.
You are right about our chances of having a spontaneous pregnancy aren't zero just close to it. We have very, very few sperm too. In fact, if it weren't for the sperm issue, I am convinced we would have had them naturally when I was 34. What a ride, huh?!
I'm sorry that you "get it". ((HUGS))
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