I've noticed that my blog titles aren't updated after making myself "private." So, for a while, I'll be back to open access!
This makes sense, especially now that I'm in cycle!
Woo hoo - welcome aboard!
5/29/09
CD1 - The Donor Egg Cycle at CCRM!
Wow! F-I-N-A-L-L-Y, it's arrived.
So, on Sunday I reduce Lupron to 5 units (whew!) and add 1 Vivelle patch and a baby aspirin. Looks like my donor should start her stims late next week.
AND, Dr. Surrey wants to consult with me next week about my using a CMV positive sperm donor. Ugh! I already signed CCRM's consent on this which states "current knowledge of CMV is that there is minimal risk of exposure to myself receiving the donated sperm [of a CMV antibody positive donor]," but I'm sure he's dotting his i's and crossing his t's.
I posted about this a while back but I'll refresh the topic. CMV (cytomeglavirus) is a harmless virus that exists in the larger percentage of Americans (and upwards of 95% in countries like India). For most people, you're infected through casual contact and never even know it. A month or so later, you clear the virus and forever keep the antibodies. However, if you're immune suppressed or a gestating fetus, being infected with CMV can be extremely dangerous - even fatal.
Here's the rub: I'm CMV negative. I'm in the small population who has never been exposed to this. I wish I'd been exposed a couple of years ago so I'd have antibodies and be done with it already! Alas, I wasn't. My sperm donor, however, is CMV positive. Now, don't misunderstand - he was tested when he donated and though he had antibodies of CMV, it was of a former infection. But he was also tested for active virus, which he didn't have. No one is allowed to donate sperm or blood or eggs or anything with active CMV infection.
So, there is virtually no risk to my using sperm from a CMV antibody positive donor. But, because there is some theoretical risk of exposure to CMV (what if the donor's CMV reactivated somehow while he was donating - which is so over-the-top remote...), Dr. Surrey will want to make sure I understand there is a risk of this. Yes, I know. There is also a risk of lightning strike but I still had to drive in the storm home from work last week, you know?
Could I avoid the risk down to zero (it's probably .000000589% right now) for the IVF? Yes, I could - by choosing a CMV negative donor. BUT, there aren't that many negative donors and I had a hard enough time finding someone who fit the criteria (smart and with a similar ethnic background), never mind someone who is also CMV negative. And, I could NEVER reduce my CMV risk to zero throughout the pregnancy 'cause - well - 'cause shit happens and people sneeze around you and you never know. I just have to be extra vigilant about hand washing and being tested and hope that whatever has kept me from CMV for 42 years, will hold out another 40 weeks.
And my issue about this has always been the same, which I will raise with Dr. Surrey next week. Many women undergoing IVF are CMV negative with CMV positive spouses. And it means absolutely nothing unless the spouses have active infection and since everyone is tested at time of sperm "donation" (spouses or anonymous donors) for CMV antibody and active viral response, it virtually eliminates the risk.
Additionally, should I get a BFP 5 weeks from now, I will absolutely have myself tested AGAIN for CMV by the 9th week of pregnancy just to make sure I did not contract it at any point in time from now until then. More than that, I just can't do.
Anyway, I'm so friggen excited to cut this evil Lupron dose in half and slap on a Vivelle patch to balance me out, Sunday can't arrive soon enough! :)
So, on Sunday I reduce Lupron to 5 units (whew!) and add 1 Vivelle patch and a baby aspirin. Looks like my donor should start her stims late next week.
AND, Dr. Surrey wants to consult with me next week about my using a CMV positive sperm donor. Ugh! I already signed CCRM's consent on this which states "current knowledge of CMV is that there is minimal risk of exposure to myself receiving the donated sperm [of a CMV antibody positive donor]," but I'm sure he's dotting his i's and crossing his t's.
I posted about this a while back but I'll refresh the topic. CMV (cytomeglavirus) is a harmless virus that exists in the larger percentage of Americans (and upwards of 95% in countries like India). For most people, you're infected through casual contact and never even know it. A month or so later, you clear the virus and forever keep the antibodies. However, if you're immune suppressed or a gestating fetus, being infected with CMV can be extremely dangerous - even fatal.
Here's the rub: I'm CMV negative. I'm in the small population who has never been exposed to this. I wish I'd been exposed a couple of years ago so I'd have antibodies and be done with it already! Alas, I wasn't. My sperm donor, however, is CMV positive. Now, don't misunderstand - he was tested when he donated and though he had antibodies of CMV, it was of a former infection. But he was also tested for active virus, which he didn't have. No one is allowed to donate sperm or blood or eggs or anything with active CMV infection.
So, there is virtually no risk to my using sperm from a CMV antibody positive donor. But, because there is some theoretical risk of exposure to CMV (what if the donor's CMV reactivated somehow while he was donating - which is so over-the-top remote...), Dr. Surrey will want to make sure I understand there is a risk of this. Yes, I know. There is also a risk of lightning strike but I still had to drive in the storm home from work last week, you know?
Could I avoid the risk down to zero (it's probably .000000589% right now) for the IVF? Yes, I could - by choosing a CMV negative donor. BUT, there aren't that many negative donors and I had a hard enough time finding someone who fit the criteria (smart and with a similar ethnic background), never mind someone who is also CMV negative. And, I could NEVER reduce my CMV risk to zero throughout the pregnancy 'cause - well - 'cause shit happens and people sneeze around you and you never know. I just have to be extra vigilant about hand washing and being tested and hope that whatever has kept me from CMV for 42 years, will hold out another 40 weeks.
And my issue about this has always been the same, which I will raise with Dr. Surrey next week. Many women undergoing IVF are CMV negative with CMV positive spouses. And it means absolutely nothing unless the spouses have active infection and since everyone is tested at time of sperm "donation" (spouses or anonymous donors) for CMV antibody and active viral response, it virtually eliminates the risk.
Additionally, should I get a BFP 5 weeks from now, I will absolutely have myself tested AGAIN for CMV by the 9th week of pregnancy just to make sure I did not contract it at any point in time from now until then. More than that, I just can't do.
Anyway, I'm so friggen excited to cut this evil Lupron dose in half and slap on a Vivelle patch to balance me out, Sunday can't arrive soon enough! :)
5/28/09
Yes, Lupron is the DEVIL!
Not in my last cycle June '08. My doctor talked with me when I'd just incorporated estrace into the cycle (vs. just Lupron) and asked how I was doing - that she understood how awful Lupron is and I sort of tilted my head sideways like a confused dog "huh? no, it wasn't bad - I'm fine." And I meant it. Of course I felt somewhat "off" but given all of the shots, pills, ultrasounds, tests and writing big checks, you don't really know what is causing the emotional unsteadiness.
Not this time. This time is bad. I've cried several times since starting on Lupron last weekend. I feel angry and out of sorts and my stomach hurts (like if you ate too much, even when I've not eaten). But mostly I'm sad. I'm worried and doubtful and feeling some despair.
But here's the bright side: I think tomorrow will officially be CD1 and that means I'll be on estrogen patches and supplemental oral estrogen within days. And that ought to balance out the Lupron madness, so I can be a better version of myself.
I'll post and officially count off CD1 as, I think, that would be the official start of this, hopefully magical, cycle.
Not this time. This time is bad. I've cried several times since starting on Lupron last weekend. I feel angry and out of sorts and my stomach hurts (like if you ate too much, even when I've not eaten). But mostly I'm sad. I'm worried and doubtful and feeling some despair.
But here's the bright side: I think tomorrow will officially be CD1 and that means I'll be on estrogen patches and supplemental oral estrogen within days. And that ought to balance out the Lupron madness, so I can be a better version of myself.
I'll post and officially count off CD1 as, I think, that would be the official start of this, hopefully magical, cycle.
5/23/09
Lupron - one down, 3+ weeks to go....
It's been nearly a year since I injected myself with anything so the sensation was strange and I hesitated a little. Lupron needles are nothing, yet it looks immense when you haven't done it in so long.
Anyhoo, it's a good warm-up to the enormous PIO that's to come. :)
Anyhoo, it's a good warm-up to the enormous PIO that's to come. :)
5/21/09
Lupron starts on Saturday
I had an ultrasound today to check on things and they said there might have been a teeny fibroid but they're not sure it's even that. I remember during my one-day work-up last October at CCRM, the tech does a doppler sonogram on you to see uterine blood flow, etc. and she wrote something in the notes about a possible small fibroid. When Dr. Surrey did my hysteroscopy about an hour later, he wanted to see if it was a fibroid and I heard him say, "That's what I think they were seeing," referring to something that looked like a small "fold" in my uterus. WTF is a fold, anyway?
Well, he said it was all clear. Today I didn't worry so much about this little thing because I think it might still be the same "fold." Anyway, it wasn't my nurse but another who was just going to show it to Dr. Surrey and make sure I was still good.
We'll see. Obviously, it would be pretty catastrophic if the cycle had to be canceled because I needed to have anything going on in the uterus. I'm trying to remain hopeful, however, that it's nothing.
I did ask the doctor at the local clinic (whom is a sweetheart I love) "is that something that would be bad for a pregnancy" and he smiled and gently shook his head "no." So, I felt better about this going forward.
So...back to the topic - Lupron. I start on Saturday and it occurred to me that once I start the Lupron, I will have injections every single day for the next 6+ weeks, hopefully longer as that would indicate success! :)
Well, he said it was all clear. Today I didn't worry so much about this little thing because I think it might still be the same "fold." Anyway, it wasn't my nurse but another who was just going to show it to Dr. Surrey and make sure I was still good.
We'll see. Obviously, it would be pretty catastrophic if the cycle had to be canceled because I needed to have anything going on in the uterus. I'm trying to remain hopeful, however, that it's nothing.
I did ask the doctor at the local clinic (whom is a sweetheart I love) "is that something that would be bad for a pregnancy" and he smiled and gently shook his head "no." So, I felt better about this going forward.
So...back to the topic - Lupron. I start on Saturday and it occurred to me that once I start the Lupron, I will have injections every single day for the next 6+ weeks, hopefully longer as that would indicate success! :)
5/13/09
Another F'king Delay!
My nurse sent me an email that the donor got her period later than planned. Now the retrieval is expected week of 6/18 and transfer is expected week of 6/25 - the week of July 4th. This is EXACTLY what I wanted to avoid!
My gut never feels good about the working environment right at a holiday time - staff is lower, 2nd tier employees taking up the slack and the leads are not normally working.
I'm so angry about this! Never mind another week to wait.
I was matched on March 11th - even if we keep on schedule I won't be in my 2WW for 3 1/2 months after the match. And that's AFTER waiting 5 months for the match in the first place.
Holy shit! I'm so pissed, I cannot even tell you!
My gut never feels good about the working environment right at a holiday time - staff is lower, 2nd tier employees taking up the slack and the leads are not normally working.
I'm so angry about this! Never mind another week to wait.
I was matched on March 11th - even if we keep on schedule I won't be in my 2WW for 3 1/2 months after the match. And that's AFTER waiting 5 months for the match in the first place.
Holy shit! I'm so pissed, I cannot even tell you!
5/11/09
Tears on Mother's Day
But not for the reason you all may think. Sure I want to be a mom but I believe I will be - hopefully next year.
But not having my mom around was harder yesterday than most days. I visited her grave with my little dog Liv and cried my eyes out. I left her a bunch of carnations (she loved them) in lively deep pink, light pink and white. And I planted three little colorful pinwheels. Just in case there's life after death, she is damned happy about the attention - I just know it! :)
My mom's been gone two years in August and in many ways, I don't think I've ever even allowed myself to face it. My mother's gone, forever. No, I can't believe it. I bargain sometimes with the universe and say stupid things like, I wish I had ten million dollars and my mom back (minus the cancer and that her handicap were miraculously gone and I would buy her that awesome house and take her here and there and I'll go on for a f'king hour and then it hits me that she's not sick in her house or in my house or in the hospital. My mom is gone and won't ever ever ever come back and I cannot believe that, I just can't!
I drove out of the cemetery with Liv, crying my eyes out all the way home. It was the most beautiful day in NJ but the road looked treacherous through my tears, like there was a mad rainstorm. And I guess there was in my heart.
I really hope having a baby will make Mother's Day a little better for me.
This is convoluted for a dozen reasons (my family would agree!) but if I could have the above scenario (mom back with her health and physically well and the big lottery win so I could give her what she deserved), I would consider trading the baby pursuit for it. SEE, I just created a worthless bargain again.
I wish there is something more after this place, 'cause I really need to see my mom again. There's so much more I wish I'd said.
Hug your moms tight girls, please.
But not having my mom around was harder yesterday than most days. I visited her grave with my little dog Liv and cried my eyes out. I left her a bunch of carnations (she loved them) in lively deep pink, light pink and white. And I planted three little colorful pinwheels. Just in case there's life after death, she is damned happy about the attention - I just know it! :)
My mom's been gone two years in August and in many ways, I don't think I've ever even allowed myself to face it. My mother's gone, forever. No, I can't believe it. I bargain sometimes with the universe and say stupid things like, I wish I had ten million dollars and my mom back (minus the cancer and that her handicap were miraculously gone and I would buy her that awesome house and take her here and there and I'll go on for a f'king hour and then it hits me that she's not sick in her house or in my house or in the hospital. My mom is gone and won't ever ever ever come back and I cannot believe that, I just can't!
I drove out of the cemetery with Liv, crying my eyes out all the way home. It was the most beautiful day in NJ but the road looked treacherous through my tears, like there was a mad rainstorm. And I guess there was in my heart.
I really hope having a baby will make Mother's Day a little better for me.
This is convoluted for a dozen reasons (my family would agree!) but if I could have the above scenario (mom back with her health and physically well and the big lottery win so I could give her what she deserved), I would consider trading the baby pursuit for it. SEE, I just created a worthless bargain again.
I wish there is something more after this place, 'cause I really need to see my mom again. There's so much more I wish I'd said.
Hug your moms tight girls, please.
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