I had this deep sense that I would be called this week, but I actually thought it would be on Friday (the 13th)! And because I'm not superstitious and actually think it's a cool day, I was almost not shocked when I received a call from 303 area code - yeap, Colorado baby!
My nurse was so cute "Happy Wednesday" she said and I was shaking, truly.
Two things. The donor is 31, which I think is - wow - a little older than I feel comfortable with, but she's proven (3X) with her last cycle only months ago where she produced 30+ eggs, 2 blasts transferred and about 10 frosties (by CCRM standards).
So, I decided that was a good sign.
Then I saw her profile and though I've said a hundred times I didn't care what she looked like, I took a little gulp when I read her answer to the question of What celebrity do people most commonly say you look like. I won't give you her real reply (so I can respect anonymity) but let's say it was someone with the features/coloring of Jamie Presley.
Well, my answer to the celebrity question would be Salma Hayek. Listen, I'm not trying to flatter myself - truly. I just get the comparison a LOT! I don't think she's ugly but anyone who knows me will tell you, the dark/sultry look is everything I did not want to be growing up. In the mid 90's - when that Lois and Clark show was on with Terri Hatcher - I SWEAR there was not a single week that passed that someone didn't ask if I was her and on vacation with my then-husband, a woman told my husband that I should be more accommodating to fans when I refused to autograph something, insisting I was not her.
SO....where am I going with all of this??? Well, because my sperm donor is Scottish/Anglo-Saxon with lt. brown hair and blue eyes. If you cross him and the egg donor, you'll get a baby that looks NOTHING resembling my features WHATSOEVER.
Now....I could just ask for another egg donor candidate and apologize profusely for having said I had no preference, which it turns out that I do. Or I could simply change my sperm donor, which is a much easier thing to do.
Why do I love my sperm donor? Because he's smart, plays the violin and comes from a long line of brilliance. You're thinking, c'mon Sky, what is he, a rocket scientist? Umm...well, yes, as a matter of fact, he is. He has his PhD in Physics, sub specialty on gamma rays. (I love astronomy)
However, there is another sperm donor. He has black hair, hazel eyes and is Spaniard/Italian. The cryobank's staff reports that he is "extremely attractive" with "sparkling" hazel eyes and sharp "model-like" features. He's also no dummy - he has a PhD in Pharmacy.
If I go with the Spaniard, at least the child will truly be a cross between my genes and the DE genes (who happens to have the same coloring as the men I've been drawn to in my life).
Or I could go with the rocket scientist and wind up with a child who is blond, blue-eyed and get the frequent comment "wow, the baby looks nothing like you."
I'm really confused. This DE match - 31? Blond? Now I have sperm donor questions?
Ugh! Please, please - DO NOT hold back. Advice, comments - all is welcome!
PS: Please know that I feel BLESSED to even have the opportunity to have these "problems" in the first place! :)
Thanks for listening ladies!
16 comments:
I haven't been in your shoes Sky, but if it were me making this decision, I think I would go with the Spaniard donor sperm. Simply because I feel like we've gone through enough to come to where we are. Why add on complexities and have to answer questions forever. And the questions won't be asked of just you - your child will get questions too. And remember, kids can be brutally insensitive and honest. I may not want my child to have to deal with awkward questions in school etc.
But that's my thought process. Like I said, I haven't been in your shoes, and I may be totally off base here, so discard my $.02 if you feel like it. :-)
Nikki - no discarding your 2 cents or anyone's. I love that you're being honest. :)
First of all, YAY for the matching! It must just feel amazing to know that it's happened at last.
I think you should mull things over for a bit - there are so many different kinds of overlapping needs here that in the end the best advice I can think of is to go with your gut level instinct.
Do you have any idea how long you may have to wait for another match? Do you feel that this is your time so you're actually fine with changing sperm donors? Do you feel that being attached to your original donor was something you needed to get you through this process? Do you feel rushed into accepting the Spanish donor?
I think you'll know the answer because it will just feel right to you. But, since you asked, my personal preference would be to lean toward a child that looked something like me. Especially if you plan to be a family of two (although, honestly it sounds like you may have to beat the men off with sticks) it may just be easier if you don't have to deal with constant questions about who your child looks like.
It seems silly, but even with a completely bio child I am constantly asked "So, where did she get the red hair? The milkman?" Never mind that my hair is actually kind of reddish - she is a true red-head. Honestly, it does get annoying.
Of course, you know that I will be thrilled for you no matter what you choose. If you are comfortable with the decision then it is the right one.
Do you have a deadline?
Congrats on the match! I just learned about my match this week, as well, but have completely different issues than you - mine is very similar to me in physical features - I just have medical history issues.
In your case, this is a difficult choice. I completely understand how you could be hesitant to proceed with someone whose features are almost the complete opposite of yours. But like me, after waiting so long to get matched, you feel bad saying thanks, but no thanks. BUT this is a fairly important decision. It's one that I think we shouldn't just accept lightly just because this is the first person matched to us. I know it may require more time to get another donor, but if you have real reservations about her, I think that's the best choice.
HOWEVER, since you do have leeway in picking a sperm donor and they are much easier to come by than egg donors, then if you are anxious to get this show on the road, I'd suggest switching to the Spaniard. That is, of course, unless your heart is really set on your first choice. If it is, stick to your guns and request another egg donor. OK - that probably didn't help - but I tried!
Trust your gut, Sky. My Dad is dark curly haired with olive skin and my mom is blond with light skin. I am like my mom. Remember that whatever you pick, you can't be sure of the resulting mix. It doesn't always mix. :) Trust your gut, really.
I agree with Mamasoon. When you close your eyes and picture your perfect sperm donor who do you see? And then go with it! This is SO EXCITING!
Oh - and I just realized, I didn't congratulate you!! Yay on getting matched!!
Hugs to you!
I am super excited for you!! What great news. I agree with the other ladies..go with your true instincts. I am thinking the spaniard donor by far. Sending you lots of positive vibes. Be well.
Treat yourself!!
I only know about the DE side of things from experience, but I don't think 31 is too old if she is still stimming well and is proven. If that was the only issue I would go ahead. The "not looking like me" issue is difficult, and my first donor I was WAY more concerned about that. Now on the 2nd donor and I really only cared that they had been proven as a donor.
You can't know how these things will play out - maybe her mother/father was dark. And even if her coloring is different, she might have similar features (facial structure etc). Did you like her social background, and interests? It is such a hard call but I think I'd be tempted to say yes.
About the sperm donor, I know you are trying to "make up" for the egg donor by switching, and I have no personal experience with this aspect so take it FWIW; but I would stay with your original guy. The guy genes are not going to match yours anyway and it sounds like you really appreciate what this one brings to the table.
It is such a hard thing to be in this position, but when it comes down to it you will love this baby no matter what little tufts of matter get her/him going. Your body is the one that will sustain and create this child. Your cells will infiltrate and become part of their being. Don't get too wrapped up in the window dressing.
Having said that, go with your gut! Hugs and hope for you as you decide!!!
Yea for the call!
I'd keep the eggs and switch the sperm. PhD? That means smart, regardless of the subject. And like you said, it is much easier to find sperm than egg.
Also, if your child-to-be is anything like my siblings (not me), they started out blonde, but their hair got darker as they got older.
I'm so happy for you! Good luck in your decision.
Tough call... I would say hold out and find a donor who fits the physical requirements better, but I know how long you've been waiting. Personally, having somewhat of a similar resemblance between me and the child (or a chance of that) was important to me. So I would lean towards the sperm donor. You are clearly more drawn towards the violinist (so cool!) though. Talk to a genetic specialist at your clinic maybe?
Wow, this was all so interesting. I was looking up all these celebrities on google images as I wasn't sure what they looked like. I totally get your dilemma. It's like you're not concerned about looks and then wham, you get hit with all blonde/blue eyes with practically no chance of the baby resembling you at all, though it sounds like it would be a very cute baby.
Sounds like switching the sperm donor would be much easier if you had to switch one. The italian sperm donor sounds scrumptious, lol! Black hair seems to be very dominant so I would think you would have a much better shot at the baby looking like you if either donor had black hair.
I say search your heart, put yourself in situations where people comment about the baby not looking like you. Does this bother you, or do you not care? If it bothers you, go with the italian!
Keep us posted and best of luck!!!
PS... I was curious, do you get to keep all the frosties?
One more thought... if the child does end up not looking like you, you can always say, he/she looks like his/her daddy.
Yay for a match! I agree with "go with your heart" but also have to consider -can you wait that long again? I do know that kids don't always resemble their parents - my neices look nothing at all like anyone in my family (yes, we've made the jokes about it)...they have all the so-called recessive genes from my SIL's side (blonde hair blue eyed +). I'd feel the same way about the age thing (that would be my major concern), but if she is proven and has had great results, well, decide if you can wait again and all that. I don't want you to go with someone you are uncomfortable with but also don't want you regretting rushing forward if you are hesitating. Oh, I am no help. I'll write something so much better to you later (I'm a mess today). Hugs!!!
Yay for a match!
This is tough for me to answer because I'm not you. That said. YOU said you didn't care about looks. I would run with that and stop second guessing yourself.
I know I am late to the party, but here is my 2 cents:
Since it was such a long wait for the egg donor, I say switch the sperm donor so you up your odds of getting a baby that looks enough like you to be passable.
Still, you never know in terms of looks or intelligence, interests etc. Well, a PhD IS a big deal and neither one is going to be a slacker, but as others mentioned - you might get a child the spitting image of your donors mother / father and she / he may looking nothing like the donor.
Just notice how different genetic families can be. A good friend has a mini-me in appearance but while both her parents are very out going, she is quite shy and very much like her paternal grandmother.
I guess I am saying, you can try really hard to get a certain thing and get something very different, yet I would error on a closer looking individual if it were me. I think it is just that much easier not to have to answer, "Oh my! Where did she get those eyes?!" all the time.
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