3/11/10

Damned Lucky Girl

No, nothing’s changed. First Response, Clear Blue Easy and The Answer all tell me this cycle was a bust. And, more importantly, I KNOW it too. For you girls who get negatives on Dollar Store sticks and those cheapie internet sticks, YOU are the ones who wind up with big fat surprises on beta day. The FRER's (and the like) are ultra sensitive which is why staring at a whitey one on 6dp5dt is very indicative of the end.

Just emailed my nurse to ask if I can have my beta run tomorrow vs. Sunday and that I want to have my WTF with Dr. S.u.rr.ey ASAP so I can move forward. I’m not a fan of sitting around. I do, do, do until I can’t and then I sit and cry my eyes out and work towards getting the fuck over it and accepting. Sometimes that process is easy, other times not so much.

Now before you all think I’m such a level-headed girl with amazing perspective and a great attitude, please avail yourself to the facts that support a different story. I’m flawed and fucked up and it’s likely the only reason I can afford this attitude because I have 13 amazing embryos in deep freeze at the best clinic in the country (arguably, the world). If this was end-game for me, you might see an ugly, vengeful girl for a while.

My uterus is probably in pretty damned good shape. My hysteroscopy at C.CR.M in November found no scar tissue but two small polyps, which were removed a week later by Dr. Su.r.r.ey and I’ve since had a very heavy, healthy period so the likelihood of severe scar tissue just isn’t there. And if the oven still needs a small tweak, that’s okay too (though it would suck). My lining this cycle was 9mm, triple stripe and in the opinion of RMA of NJ “looks great.”

Perhaps it’s true that my 31 year old donor gave me a beautiful, healthy crop of eggs – but they may not all be chromosomally sound, nor should they be. That’s probably more likely in a sixteen year old. In fact, my donor’s two recipients prior to me (about six months and 1 year earlier) each transferred two embryos at fresh cycle but each had a singleton pregnancy. After all, only 40% of donor embryo fresh transfers result in a twin pregnancy. All that probably says something.

I may transfer two next time and tackle the outcome if/when it happens.

To the rest of my fertily-challenged girls out there, may I be the ONLY one in the shit pit this cycle and I hope you all get crazy-high betas for my non-existent one. Big hugs and kisses to you all for your support and unyielding tolerance.

Update: While typing this up, my nurse just replied “You are not going to like this: No, you can not go in early for your pregnancy test. No, I don’t think your pregnancy test is negative because you peed on a stick and it was negative. (do you know how many times I hear this, only to have a positive serum pregnancy test?) No, I will not set up a failed cycle regroup. No, you may not quite taking your meds.” And then she asked me to hang in there and think positive and promise her no more pee sticks. And I’m fine with that and I do promise not to do another pee stick (after all, I’m not about to spend another nickel on pee sticks for blinding white to stare back at me).

17 comments:

ks said...

6 days post is early. But I'm like you once I get the white stick I'm done! I'm sorry. I really hope that Sunday you'll get a nice surprise. You still could y'know!! All the best!

Jill M. said...

Stark white pee sticks are very emotionally draining, step away from the sticks! Once I quit peeing on them, even though I still swore I was out, I felt sooo much better. Still hoping for a great outcome. Hugs

Michelle said...

Before I saw your update I was going to delurk and tell you I'm pregnant via C.CR.M after six cycles. They are incredibly strict about beta days. Later? Sure! Earlier? Nope.

If it helps, and I honestly don't know if it does or not, I had a negative pee stick the morning before my positive beta and I'm now 24w with a healthy baby girl.

Sky said...

Michelle - you're so sweet and thank you for the encouragement. I wanted to post a question to you but, unfortunately, you don't have a blog :( Tell me this, when your pee stick was negative the morning of your positive beta, what HPT brand did you use?

Anonymous said...

hang in there and step away from the sticks! and umm... it's ok to not listen because I can't stop using them either! fingers crossed that this is your cycle and those sticks are just bad!

Jem said...

I'm glad you have so many icies in the freezer, just in case...

In the meantime, listen to the nurse! She's right! Pee sticks are the devil. I've only had one cycle where I used them and totally regretted it.

lastchanceivf said...

If indeed the beta matches the pee sticks, then I'm terribly terribly sorry.
And in moving forward, consider endometrial biopsies. I swore they are what helped us get any implantation at all the last cycle...and I got CCRM to agree to it, too.
Hugs for you.

Sue said...

I've been where you are and sometimes you do just "know"..however, I still hope that you are gonna get a great surprise (but, again, I know the feeling of just "knowing" so I understand how you feel). I am exactly like you in getting up, dusting off and starting again ASAP. I mean, how else did I accomplish 7 fresh cycles in a little over 2 years, right? I know this will work for you. If this is a BFN I am sure it is because of the fact that not all embryos are chromosomally normal...that is it. You will do just fine. And, if I were you, I might roll the dice on putting 2 back in too...though I know exactly why you hesitate to do it. At some point though I know we all get to a place where we know we just can't do anymore...and before you get there, I'd rather see you fighting to take care of twins than still dealing with the pain of IF. Just me. Sending you lots of hugs...and prayers that those sticks are just wrong.

Me said...

Your nurse is kind of a PITA!

musicmakermomma said...

I hate this waiting time - I totally understand wanting to move on to what's going to work! But I guess you have to play this hand out to the end - part of the game! Do fun things til Sunday if you can - take extra special care. Thinking of you.

Phoebe said...

I too believe that pee sticks are evil. I know the games that your mind plays. "Oh, I bought the best brand possible..." I agree that regardless of the outcome, it's best not to torture yourself with them.

I believe you made the right choice with eSET. You are being honest with what you can handle. I would have done the exact same thing. 40% twins is a HUGE statistic!! If you want twins, put two back, but if you truly do not, then keep putting one in at the same time. I've already decided that if I do DE, I'm putting one back at a time, even if I have to do back to back embryo transfers!

I hope you get some good news soon! Huge hugs!

maxandzuzu said...

Now I know you've hit rock bottom. You've asked Michelle what brand of pee stick she used! Relax! I know it sucks. We've all been there. Why do you think that we all follow so many different blogs. We're looking for support through this difficult time! It actually made me chuckle. I think I've been watching celebrity rehab too much because you're sounding like a pee stick addict (LOL)!

Hang in there and don't cheat! Fingers crossed for you!

T

Lorraine said...

You are so gracious and generous and focussed and patient and just basically very impressive in the face of a failed cycle. You are going to be such a fantastic parent!

Sky said...

Max, what do you mean I "sound" like a pee stick addict?

I'll have you know I've kept my promise and haven't used an HPT for the past 17 hours, 37 minutes and 12 seconds. Who's counting? ;)

hee hee hee

YES! I am a pee stick addict. Guilty as charged! Crack might be easier to ween from - but I'm not peeing on a stick anymore this cycle!

Rebecca said...

I'm sorry the pee sticks are coming up stark white. Like the others have said here, I hope your instincts are wrong in this case and that you get a surprise on beta day. But if you don't, it sounds like you have a good perspective on moving forward and have a plan in place to do so. Thinking of you and hoping for unexpectedly good news.

Kami said...

Ug. I am with you - they should have let you test early. My RE did when I was sure I had a failed cycle. The waiting and taking drugs when you know it is over is traumatic.

Hang in there. Just 1 more day now, right?

Riley said...

I hope your pee sticks are wrong, but I also know how it feels to just know the cycle didn't work. This totally sucks, but as you pointed out - you still have every reason in the world to be positive. You still have LOTS of fabulous embies left and you ARE using the world's best clinic - unlike me - I think I may actually be at the world's worst clinic, but you already know that. Nothing I can do about it now - if...only...yadda, yadda. Thinking of you - and thanks for all your words of encouragement and support!