I'm not complaining, actually. I'm grateful that Dr. S.urr.ey's office was able to accommodate me for the polyp removal surgery next Tuesday. Normally these things aren't such a big deal but there are extenuating circumstances and obstacles:
1) Surgery this year will cost me zero dollars (deductible met) - all confirmed by C.CR.M
2) Polyp removal can only be done on certain cycle days (so that leaves me only one more cycle if I miss this window - and it would be in the month of December - good luck getting scheduled then!)
3) They will not release me to a taxi or to drive myself after the surgery. I "must" have someone I know pick me up. This is a biggie - a deal breaker - because I am not about to bring a friend out from NJ Thanksgiving week! But in what can only be described as serendipity...Me will still be out there for her cycle and was her usual super nice and flexible self to agree to picking me up when I begged her for the favor. No chance I would be this lucky next month or another month. THANK YOU AGAIN "ME" - FOR COMING TO THE RESCUE!
Can I just say that a long time ago, when I lamented about having virtually no family (though a wonderful network of friends, albeit tiny) and worried about having help with a child in a pinch, Lorraine told me that children really build a community around you - whether or not you intend for it to happen. And, case and point, IF has done the same thing. And that's a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!
11/19/09
11/18/09
Panera & Polyps
So I had the most exhausting, whirlwind of a day yesterday. I woke up at 4 AM, got ready and left around 5:15 AM for a 7:30 AM flight from NJ to Denver. Plane arrived early and I took a taxi to C.CR.M. Checked in and inquired about the H1N1 vaccine, which they still had. Normally I don't think much of vaccines but this time I felt apprehensive about it. But I decided to go with the "Sch.oolc.ra.ft law" of all pregnant or planning to be pregnant patients to receive the vaccine. Had I been pregnant, I don't know if I would have gotten it or not. But it went fine - serum stung!
Then the fun part. I met a fellow blogger! The very lovely Me is cycling and was sweet enough to pick me up at C.CR.M for lunch. We both bitched about gaining weight after years of hormones and crap. She is tall and slender and I looked like a watermelon with legs by her side :(
We grabbed lunch and a table at Panera and talked and talked. She's a hoot but super smart - like, intimidating smart. You know, the kind of person who would actually know what MTHFR stands for and what it does in its most basic scientific sense - even though she's not positive for the gene mutation. I sat there as I usually do in the company of highly intelligent people - in awe. Stop by and wish her well - that her ovaries produce a strong crop of healthy little babies she can raise some day soon. (and thanks again my friend!)
After lunch came my C.CR.M appointments. I had the ultrasound and an update on my infectious disease blood panel and then met with S.ur.rey for the hysteroscopy. My fear of having scar tissue had been so heightened that all I could process was extreme gratitude that I had "no scar tissue at all." But....yeah, there's a but. I had a polyp removed over 2 years ago. Well, now it's back - with its brother. So I have to have them removed prior to transfer. S.ur.rey said I did not have to return to have it done - to have it done locally as long as I'm comfortable with the surgeon, etc. but at this point, I just want this prep stuff to be out of the way. I called him today, as he asked, but he didn't return my call (Ugh!) because there may be a slight chance he's in early next week and can do the surgery. Otherwise, I'd have to wait until next month, during specific days in my cycle to have it done. At least my insurance covers all of it (I checked) so it's just the flight (again) but thanks to mileage points, I'm good there. And a car rental and hotel for a couple of days.
Crossing fingers I sync up with S.ur.rey tomorrow and we can hook up for early next week. Otherwise, it'll have to be next month and I just don't want to sweat it out one way or the other.
And word to the wise for those of you who ever consider taxi service to/from airport and C.CR.M - DON'T! I am in NYC at least a couple days a month for meetings and TRUST ME that the cost of cabs in the city are a drop in the proverbial bucket next to the cost of cabs in friggen Colorado. $80 each way plus a tip! I could have rented (and should have) a car for the day at a fraction of the price. CRAZY!
Then the fun part. I met a fellow blogger! The very lovely Me is cycling and was sweet enough to pick me up at C.CR.M for lunch. We both bitched about gaining weight after years of hormones and crap. She is tall and slender and I looked like a watermelon with legs by her side :(
We grabbed lunch and a table at Panera and talked and talked. She's a hoot but super smart - like, intimidating smart. You know, the kind of person who would actually know what MTHFR stands for and what it does in its most basic scientific sense - even though she's not positive for the gene mutation. I sat there as I usually do in the company of highly intelligent people - in awe. Stop by and wish her well - that her ovaries produce a strong crop of healthy little babies she can raise some day soon. (and thanks again my friend!)
After lunch came my C.CR.M appointments. I had the ultrasound and an update on my infectious disease blood panel and then met with S.ur.rey for the hysteroscopy. My fear of having scar tissue had been so heightened that all I could process was extreme gratitude that I had "no scar tissue at all." But....yeah, there's a but. I had a polyp removed over 2 years ago. Well, now it's back - with its brother. So I have to have them removed prior to transfer. S.ur.rey said I did not have to return to have it done - to have it done locally as long as I'm comfortable with the surgeon, etc. but at this point, I just want this prep stuff to be out of the way. I called him today, as he asked, but he didn't return my call (Ugh!) because there may be a slight chance he's in early next week and can do the surgery. Otherwise, I'd have to wait until next month, during specific days in my cycle to have it done. At least my insurance covers all of it (I checked) so it's just the flight (again) but thanks to mileage points, I'm good there. And a car rental and hotel for a couple of days.
Crossing fingers I sync up with S.ur.rey tomorrow and we can hook up for early next week. Otherwise, it'll have to be next month and I just don't want to sweat it out one way or the other.
And word to the wise for those of you who ever consider taxi service to/from airport and C.CR.M - DON'T! I am in NYC at least a couple days a month for meetings and TRUST ME that the cost of cabs in the city are a drop in the proverbial bucket next to the cost of cabs in friggen Colorado. $80 each way plus a tip! I could have rented (and should have) a car for the day at a fraction of the price. CRAZY!
11/11/09
Hemorrhaging (TMI Post - be forewarned)
...And I couldn't be happier. What a nightmare since the D&C! Most people would be fine but with my hyper-worry personality, I suck!
D&C on 8/14
Period on 9/20 (two days, sort of full flow - seemingly on track)
Then...nothing! Nothing until the teeniest spots two weeks ago and then nothing again. That's it! I thought, I'm done, screwed and game over. Convinced I had severe scar tissue. The dreaded Asherman's Syndrome!
Dr. Surrey finally prescribed 2cc's PIO which I injected on October 30th. Then I waited...and waited...and waited. I was beyond upset. Now it was confirmed. Severe Asherman's - a known complication of a D&C which is, potentially, catastrophic and - UNFORTUNATELY - rarely mentioned!
Then last Friday (one full week after PIO shot), I had a drop of red. Then another. Then gone. What a nasty tease. Worse actually. This meant my cervix wasn't scarred as something was coming out but obviously my uterus was annihilated with scar tissue so there was nothing to shed.
Saturday, few spots. Sunday, enough for a panty liner but nothing more. Monday a pad - woo hoo. I thought, well, maybe the scarring isn't really awful.
Then Tuesday morning I woke to a saturated overnight Always pad with wings. During the day, I was bleeding so heavily through another pad and then through a Super Plus tampon and into my pants. Heavy today as well. I wanted to hang the bloody pants in celebration!
So, I went from absolutely certain I had the most severe case of incurable uterine obliteration to thinking, hey, I think I'm fine.
Yes, I'm profoundly grateful for a great outcome (which I have more faith in now) but I really wish I could STOP hopping on the crazy mobile the instant my brain imagines any potential tragedy, however remote. And this is on 50 mg/day of Zoloft!
Tuesday I fly to Denver before dawn for an ultrasound and hysteroscopy with Surrey and infectious disease blood panel update and back home to NJ same day. Whirlwind! Wish me luck girls. :)
D&C on 8/14
Period on 9/20 (two days, sort of full flow - seemingly on track)
Then...nothing! Nothing until the teeniest spots two weeks ago and then nothing again. That's it! I thought, I'm done, screwed and game over. Convinced I had severe scar tissue. The dreaded Asherman's Syndrome!
Dr. Surrey finally prescribed 2cc's PIO which I injected on October 30th. Then I waited...and waited...and waited. I was beyond upset. Now it was confirmed. Severe Asherman's - a known complication of a D&C which is, potentially, catastrophic and - UNFORTUNATELY - rarely mentioned!
Then last Friday (one full week after PIO shot), I had a drop of red. Then another. Then gone. What a nasty tease. Worse actually. This meant my cervix wasn't scarred as something was coming out but obviously my uterus was annihilated with scar tissue so there was nothing to shed.
Saturday, few spots. Sunday, enough for a panty liner but nothing more. Monday a pad - woo hoo. I thought, well, maybe the scarring isn't really awful.
Then Tuesday morning I woke to a saturated overnight Always pad with wings. During the day, I was bleeding so heavily through another pad and then through a Super Plus tampon and into my pants. Heavy today as well. I wanted to hang the bloody pants in celebration!
So, I went from absolutely certain I had the most severe case of incurable uterine obliteration to thinking, hey, I think I'm fine.
Yes, I'm profoundly grateful for a great outcome (which I have more faith in now) but I really wish I could STOP hopping on the crazy mobile the instant my brain imagines any potential tragedy, however remote. And this is on 50 mg/day of Zoloft!
Tuesday I fly to Denver before dawn for an ultrasound and hysteroscopy with Surrey and infectious disease blood panel update and back home to NJ same day. Whirlwind! Wish me luck girls. :)
10/14/09
"Fasting Homocysteine level is DEVINE"
That was the email from my nurse today. Whew! One thing down. Looks like my protocol would probably change only by the extra Folic Acid. Cool with me.
Now for my other worry (it really is always something). Several weeks after the D&C, I was still spotting very very very lightly every day - mostly just on the tissue. Five weeks after the D&C I got my period - for two days and bright red and plenty though not as heavy as usual (and I'm pretty heavy normally). That was on September 20th. I went in for a transvaginal ultrasound today (mostly because I requested it) to see where my lining was and it's 6mm and I have no symptoms of a period coming whatsoever (didn't have the usual PMS in the period after the D&C either).
Of course, I'm terrified that now I have the dreaded scar tissue issue or that I'll forever have lining problems.
I had a D&C summer of '07 to remove a uterine polyp and I had no scar tissue from that and obviously have always had good linings and implantation was no problem.
Seriously, can I just STOP worrying until AFTER I know what's what?! WTF is wrong with me and my hyperworries? I'm really praying this won't be the case and that my uterus is perfectly fine and healthy and that my cycle is just out of swing.
Now for my other worry (it really is always something). Several weeks after the D&C, I was still spotting very very very lightly every day - mostly just on the tissue. Five weeks after the D&C I got my period - for two days and bright red and plenty though not as heavy as usual (and I'm pretty heavy normally). That was on September 20th. I went in for a transvaginal ultrasound today (mostly because I requested it) to see where my lining was and it's 6mm and I have no symptoms of a period coming whatsoever (didn't have the usual PMS in the period after the D&C either).
Of course, I'm terrified that now I have the dreaded scar tissue issue or that I'll forever have lining problems.
I had a D&C summer of '07 to remove a uterine polyp and I had no scar tissue from that and obviously have always had good linings and implantation was no problem.
Seriously, can I just STOP worrying until AFTER I know what's what?! WTF is wrong with me and my hyperworries? I'm really praying this won't be the case and that my uterus is perfectly fine and healthy and that my cycle is just out of swing.
10/12/09
MTHFR
Mutha Fucka! Yeah, it looks like an acronym for a pretty nasty curse - hey, maybe it is!
My nurse emailed today. I'm positive for this gene mutation - whatever the hell it is - and I have to start taking massive doses of folic acid 2x/day and tomorrow I have to have a "fasting homocystine" blood check.
I think there's some debate as to whether this causes miscarriage or not but I believe there's consensus that this does block folic acid absorption and we all know how important that is to ward off birth defects, with spina bifida being a biggie.
Wish I'd known this months ago but I wasn't tested. Anyhoo, very grateful to know now. My next worry and, Lord, I hope it never pans out - but I worry that maybe I have scar tissue from the D&C (no evidence of this, mind you, just my usual neurosis!). And that would suck WAY worse than the MTHFR!
Anyone else have experience with MTHFR?
My nurse emailed today. I'm positive for this gene mutation - whatever the hell it is - and I have to start taking massive doses of folic acid 2x/day and tomorrow I have to have a "fasting homocystine" blood check.
I think there's some debate as to whether this causes miscarriage or not but I believe there's consensus that this does block folic acid absorption and we all know how important that is to ward off birth defects, with spina bifida being a biggie.
Wish I'd known this months ago but I wasn't tested. Anyhoo, very grateful to know now. My next worry and, Lord, I hope it never pans out - but I worry that maybe I have scar tissue from the D&C (no evidence of this, mind you, just my usual neurosis!). And that would suck WAY worse than the MTHFR!
Anyone else have experience with MTHFR?
9/25/09
Let there be light
I must begin by thanking each and every single one of you wonderful ladies. Hearing from so many caring souls out there - many of which are new to my blog - was so heart-warming and gave me such comfort while I sat in a fog.
There were a couple of weeks there that I actually believed I would donate my 14 remainning embryos and call it a day. In an email exchange, Kami gently suggested I hang on to a couple of them - just in case I changed my mind. Within days I'd already begun to come around (thanks again Kami!).
What happened? Well, I think it was truly a fluke. I got very very sick - probably food poisoning of some sort - and days later I started to bleed and things just sort of tumbled from there. No sense in rehashing it now, I guess.
Oh, and the bizarre depression. Let me tell you all that before the loss, I experienced depression and anxiety that worsened considerably by the day. It all began in my seventh week. I think it was the very high dose of PIO (my progesterone level was over 70) and other pregnancy hormones that conspired badly for me. Between week seven and eight, I lost 10 lbs. and was barely sleeping. I would wake up at 3 AM with such anxiety that one night I had an urge to leave my house in the middle of the night in a rain storm and run down the street, barefoot, as fast as I could to a field a few blocks away and lay in the mud. No, I don't think I was psychotic but I was desperate to RUN, anxious to get away from myself. It's difficult to explain.
My OB wanted me to take Zoloft and insisted it was relatively safe during pregnancy and that it's certainly far safer than a deep depression - but I worried about eating a soft cheese, never mind an anti-depressant!
However, after two weeks on Zoloft, I woke up feeling brand spanking new. I realized I'd slept the entire night and that the world no longer felt like it was coming to an end. I will remain on the Zoloft (which is the lowest dose that's prescribed) throughout any future pregnancy and increase the dose if/when I give birth as I am a prime candidate for post-pardom depression. Hey, I could think this is a bad break but a lot of women have far greater physical and medical challenges during pregnancy and they do what they have to do. So will I.
After refusing to have a re-group, last Monday I finally had my phone consult with Dr. Surrey and he was happy to know I'd do a FET. Before that, I have to have a saline sonogram to make sure everything is looking good inside and he gave me the option of bloodwork for blood clotting issues, though he didn't think it would be necessary as we both classified this as a fluke.
I thought I might transfer by Christmas but in what can only be called AWESOME news, my company's annual medical enrollment notice this week came with news of brand new health plans and guess what? Yeap! There is infertility coverage. I could say "FUCK! Why didn't they do this last year and I could have saved 15K from my whopping bill" but I won't. I'm going to be thankful that they'll cover 50% up to 15K in 2010 for infertility services and be extremely thankful, which I am!
My plan will be as last time - transfer only 1 embryo, as I have no desire for twins. Dr. Surrey reminded me that my embryos are all vitrified so the reality is my chances are nearly as good with these as with the fresh transfer - something I knew when they were frozen and always found comfort in.
So, it's a January FET for me!
Now, about you all....I've been following all of your blogs ladies and I'm so thrilled to see how wonderfully it's going for so many of you (and this must be the year for girls, girls, girls!). For those of you in process, I have my fingers crossed and am very hopeful you'll be successful, at last. I'll be commenting on your blogs soon enough again!
Big hugs and another enormous thanks for the kindness and sensitivity you've all demonstrated.
There were a couple of weeks there that I actually believed I would donate my 14 remainning embryos and call it a day. In an email exchange, Kami gently suggested I hang on to a couple of them - just in case I changed my mind. Within days I'd already begun to come around (thanks again Kami!).
What happened? Well, I think it was truly a fluke. I got very very sick - probably food poisoning of some sort - and days later I started to bleed and things just sort of tumbled from there. No sense in rehashing it now, I guess.
Oh, and the bizarre depression. Let me tell you all that before the loss, I experienced depression and anxiety that worsened considerably by the day. It all began in my seventh week. I think it was the very high dose of PIO (my progesterone level was over 70) and other pregnancy hormones that conspired badly for me. Between week seven and eight, I lost 10 lbs. and was barely sleeping. I would wake up at 3 AM with such anxiety that one night I had an urge to leave my house in the middle of the night in a rain storm and run down the street, barefoot, as fast as I could to a field a few blocks away and lay in the mud. No, I don't think I was psychotic but I was desperate to RUN, anxious to get away from myself. It's difficult to explain.
My OB wanted me to take Zoloft and insisted it was relatively safe during pregnancy and that it's certainly far safer than a deep depression - but I worried about eating a soft cheese, never mind an anti-depressant!
However, after two weeks on Zoloft, I woke up feeling brand spanking new. I realized I'd slept the entire night and that the world no longer felt like it was coming to an end. I will remain on the Zoloft (which is the lowest dose that's prescribed) throughout any future pregnancy and increase the dose if/when I give birth as I am a prime candidate for post-pardom depression. Hey, I could think this is a bad break but a lot of women have far greater physical and medical challenges during pregnancy and they do what they have to do. So will I.
After refusing to have a re-group, last Monday I finally had my phone consult with Dr. Surrey and he was happy to know I'd do a FET. Before that, I have to have a saline sonogram to make sure everything is looking good inside and he gave me the option of bloodwork for blood clotting issues, though he didn't think it would be necessary as we both classified this as a fluke.
I thought I might transfer by Christmas but in what can only be called AWESOME news, my company's annual medical enrollment notice this week came with news of brand new health plans and guess what? Yeap! There is infertility coverage. I could say "FUCK! Why didn't they do this last year and I could have saved 15K from my whopping bill" but I won't. I'm going to be thankful that they'll cover 50% up to 15K in 2010 for infertility services and be extremely thankful, which I am!
My plan will be as last time - transfer only 1 embryo, as I have no desire for twins. Dr. Surrey reminded me that my embryos are all vitrified so the reality is my chances are nearly as good with these as with the fresh transfer - something I knew when they were frozen and always found comfort in.
So, it's a January FET for me!
Now, about you all....I've been following all of your blogs ladies and I'm so thrilled to see how wonderfully it's going for so many of you (and this must be the year for girls, girls, girls!). For those of you in process, I have my fingers crossed and am very hopeful you'll be successful, at last. I'll be commenting on your blogs soon enough again!
Big hugs and another enormous thanks for the kindness and sensitivity you've all demonstrated.
8/17/09
It's over
Became extremely sick and I knew something was terribly wrong.
Can't go into details. Please, no pity for me - I couldn't take it right now. I have no idea what the future holds at this point and it may be just me and the furbabies and that's going to have to be okay.
Wishing you all the best and that your dreams unfold exactly as you wish them to. They can.
Can't go into details. Please, no pity for me - I couldn't take it right now. I have no idea what the future holds at this point and it may be just me and the furbabies and that's going to have to be okay.
Wishing you all the best and that your dreams unfold exactly as you wish them to. They can.
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