POAS - it's all about self-control

And I have NONE!

In the past couple of days, two ladies on my blog roll (musicmakermomma and onward) are in their 2WW and haven't tested. And that's fascinating enough. But what really impresses me is that it's seemed as if that's not even been a struggle.

Oh how I envy those with that kind of self control, when sticking to 21 Weight Watchers points a day takes every shred of strength and even summoning myself to bed at 8 PM some nights so I can sleep vs. eat. Ugh!

I am one of those crazy-ass POAS-aholics! Guilty as charged.

I HATE surprises. Yeah, I do. I really really really do. I mean, c'mon - if the "surprise" is Hugh Laurie waiting for me in bed, I'm not going to get pissed off or anything. And I welcome the final number on the 160M Mega lottery coming to me as a great big surprise! But, how many surprises in our lives are truly that sweet?

Maybe for you gals, that's how life has played out and, if so, awesome for you, honestly. But, for me, surprises are usually not good ones and often they're just complex problems for me to solve. Great, thanks.

So when I cycled with my eggs a year ago, I tested 4 days before the beta on a Sunday. Negative. And when I cycled with those wonderful donor embryos that I still think about, I tested 3dp5dt (negative) and 4dp5dt (a second vertical line the girth of a pink human baby hair sliced a hundred times could be seen with a magnifying glass in natural outdoor sun and only when tilted just so). On 5dp5dt, it was still hard to see but it took no real imagination to accept it was a BFP.

Why I POAS. Aside from the lack of self-control and hating surprises, I want to control the very little I can in this process - and that's how and when I get the information that could light my face and warm my heart like a thousand suns or could crush me into a despondent, sobbing mess. I can't imagine waiting until beta day, having a blood draw, going to work and then sitting there waiting for that phone to ring, shaking in my boots, jumping every time the phone rings and knowing the voice on the other end holds the key to my future.

The ONLY thing I feel like I still have in this process is control over when I know I'm pregnant (or not). It's one of the only things that I can still do that's special ON MY OWN - without relying on a stranger to help me with that too; without her knowing before me.

For the dirtiest confession from me - I am the owner of 5 HPT's from the dollar store, 4 of The Answer and 2 digital Clear Blue Easy's - all purchased since being matched with a donor 2 weeks ago.

Uh huh, I'll be testing the day of transfer and every day thereafter. It feeds my neurosis, probably worries me more and yet doing otherwise is unfathomable!

I raise my glass to those of you whose approach and restraint seems much healthier - may the voice that brings you the news reveal the most WONDERFUL surprise, you certainly deserve it!

CD1

Was yesterday. Today I am hemorrhaging! Tomorrow (CD3), I start my BCP's. Now, you'd think that means I'm cycling baby - it's just around the corner. Nah, it's not. My donor's planned retrieval is June 9 or 10th. I haven't gotten a calendar but you'd work backwards from them. I do know she's scheduled to begin her BCP's on her CD3 as well but I don't know when that is (I got a call from Freedom Pharmacy early last week to pay for them, which I have). $46 for a two-months supply of birth control pills that went somewhere - somewhere in the Denver area to the genetic mother of my future baby. Ooooh, that sounds weird!

But, I'm actually okay with the 2.5 months I have left. I have an enormous honey-do list at home without a honey to do them - so it's all me. I'm a very handy chick (replaced toilets in my 3 bathrooms over the last 2 years) and though most of the work isn't very impressive (painting, spackling, more painting), I have a couple of bigger projects - change out bathroom countertops for granite (that's going to weigh a ton!). I have one project behind me - installed a shelving system in my bedroom closets.

Actually, this will be my new bedroom - I'm going to trade with the spare bedroom. Why? Because when I bought my house 11 years ago, I chose the back room that gets the afternoon sun but is like a dark cave in the morning. Oh so nice for sleeping but so awful for my personality. WTF was I thinking?! The way it is, I am NOT a morning person. Now toss in a dark and comfy room and it's a recipe for disaster. The front bedroom gets TONS of beautiful morning light. And there was another reason I decided to do this - a baby. Clearly, I have every confidence I'll be successful (boy do I hope all of this faith doesn't kick me in the ass) and I can't fathom a baby getting tons of morning light at 7 AM and waking me up while I'm in the dark cave. If anything, I'd rather have a sleepy baby that I have to wake up. Well, that's the plan anyway. :)

And as soon as the bedroom is in shape (maybe another 2 weeks), I'm going to hop back onto the treadmill which will help to shave off the 15 lbs. I need to by transfer day.

Oh, back to my period (where this post began), let me just say that menopause will certainly bring with it some difficult things (hormonally and emotionally) and I'm sure it'll be tough to accept that more than half of my life is likely over BUT I will NEVER EVER EVER miss having a period - I can tell you that much. I have a friend who's never had more than what could fill a panty liner, no cramps, no bloating, no irritability - nothing! Me? I had horrendous periods at 13 (clots, the heaviest flow, cramps and just general unwellness). Honestly, I could NEVER miss that!

(Sorry for the TMI)

Just you and me, kid

I read a brief line from musicmakermomma post that read, "Weird to think that from here on out the DE part doesn't matter anymore, it is just like a regular IVF." Like me, she's doing a DE cycle but she's post retrieval now (Day 3). Stop by and wish her well if you have a minute. :)

I won't put words into her mouth about the context in which she meant it but it's an idea I've fantasized about and, for very selfish reasons, I can't wait to be POST-retrieval day. Here's the truth: I don't want her to be a part of it. I know, I know, I'm the girl who doesn't care about genetics - AND I DON'T! And though I feel so incredibly blessed and fortunate to have the opportunity (in every way) to use a donor and take this path, I still like not to think about that other person. On a very visceral level, I know this is something my body should have done all by itself and it sucks that I have to pay a clinic and donor BIG bucks to do it for me. So I guess the instant she's out of the way, I'll feel better - it'll just be the way it is in normal IVF - me and the embryos, mom and babies - an intimate relationship, without another person stealing my thunder, sharing my moment.

Of all the things to even think of, I know this is petty but it's how I feel. There are FEW times in our lives that the universe truly respects our unique and elevated position. Marriage is one day. The bride and groom are the focus - it's about them. No bride wants her mother-in-law to be the focus of the party, to have the grooms frequent attention, to come on the honeymoon cruise. I mean, it's a deeply poignant and special event between two people and their magic together.

I kind of feel similarly of the baby-making endeavor. Bad enough I have to have a fucking lab involved, dildo cams, bright hospital lights, speculums, doctors, nurses, embryologists and every other Tom, Dick & Harry that want to join in the "fun." But to have to have another woman as intimately involved with what will one-day be my baby is really tough to take. Hey, I'm sure I speak for every single IVF recipient (own eggs or not) that ART is NOT what any of us wished for.

So the sooner she's out of the picture, the more I'll feel like it's just about that little bundle-to-be and his/her mom, the way it should be.

(Note my contradictions. I LOVE egg donors who are good, responsible women who do this for more than the financial benefits. I think they're a special breed of angels. I couldn't thank this lady enough and if CCRM told me she was open to know me after retrieval, I would JUMP on it. What's more, if she were a good person, I would embrace a relationship with her as "aunt" Mary (or whomever) who comes over for birthdays, etc. I would LOVE my child to know her, and vice versa. It's just that until MY baby is born, I wish it could be between me and that baby-to-be and no one else!)

Donor on Board! (and baby on board soon, I hope!)

I approved her! Was there any doubt? Well, yes, there was. I wasn't thrilled about her being 31. I mean, I imagined a 21 year old but I emailed my nurse a series of specific questions and her report was over-the-top satisfying. So here goes:

Donor's last cycle was 11/08.
She produced 41 eggs, 31 fertilized, 2 5-day blasts transferred and 14 5-day blasts frozen.
That recipient is 16 weeks pregnant with singleton.

She had only two cycles prior to that, and was told each recipient received a BFP on the fresh transfer with blasts to freeze. Then I asked if there were any miscarriages and was told this:

"Absolutely not. All proven in-house CCRM donors MUST result in a BFP with zero miscarriages(whether the donor's personal miscarriage or that of the recipient)."

This is what Dr. Surrey told me back in October during my work-up, but it was good to hear again.

Her FSH was 7.2 a year ago and they said they don't test women for AMH when their cycles are that good.

And her antral follicle count for her last November cycle was between 20-24.

Then there was what my nurse said about always feeling better about donors who aren't so young, as the older ones tend to be very responsible with medication schedules and that she's personally worked with this one and said she was wonderful to work with.

Ultimately, between all of that information and the fact that CCRM holds the #1 spot in the country, I felt good about approving her. Whew!

So....just picked up my BCPs for CD3 end of this month. The donor has a schedule conflict and can't begin her stim until June 1st - which is fine. I should get a schedule in the next week or so and egg retrieval should be around June 9th.

Wow! It's really happening!

Now for the sperm donor. Ugh! I'm no farther along on that front, but I want to thank you all for commenting and I thought long and hard about your thoughts - you can't imagine how helpful they were to me.

Nikki and Lorraine made an amazing blended point: it's just going to be the two of us (maybe another down the road) and children can be so hurtful sometimes. I thought about how I would feel to have a little baby with milky white skin, blond hair and blue eyes but I really never considered how the child would feel. I mean, since I love that look, it never occurred to me that our differences might make him/her feel out of place somehow or that there would be teasing questions from little kiddy friends. And that would crush me.

Then I started to laugh at what is likely to happen to me ('cause I'm a girl too familiar with Murphy's Law!). My best friend of over 20 years is Cuban (like me) and her hair and eyes are JET black. Her skin is olive. Her husband is also Cuban but with light brown hair and light brown eyes. Their first child, a girl, looks Swedish - white/blond hair, blue eyes and the fairest complexion. Their second child, a boy, has brown hair and eyes and looks . . . well . . . Cuban. Well, when her daughter was a baby, my friend would walk her in her stroller and people would stop her and ask all of the time if she was the nanny (Hispanic looking woman with a baby who looked like Shiloh Jolie-Pitt) - never mind that my friend is ridiculously wealthy and doesn't look like a nanny (no offense to Hispanic Nanny's intended here).

(note: for reference of what a typical white Cuban person looks like, think of Andy Garcia - he is the classic Cuban).

So what can I do? If the kid winds up looking just like the egg donor, I'll have to deal with it, and I certainly would. My hope is that my child would have dark hair, light eyes (my eyes are very light brown, my dad's were lt. mint green) and medium complexion. From an appearance standpoint, that would be terrific!

Right now, I'm down to 3 choices for sperm donors. The too-light Astrophysicist (PhD), a hottie-Spaniard Pharmacist (PhD) and a black-haired green eyed John Stamos look-alike (he's hot too). Say, can I hook up with that last one? ;)

I still have some time on the sperm donors so we'll see where I net out (and you'll be the first to know!). Thank you all again, from the bottom of my heart, for being so generous with your thoughts and comments. I truly do love to hear them!

Matched!

I had this deep sense that I would be called this week, but I actually thought it would be on Friday (the 13th)! And because I'm not superstitious and actually think it's a cool day, I was almost not shocked when I received a call from 303 area code - yeap, Colorado baby!

My nurse was so cute "Happy Wednesday" she said and I was shaking, truly.

Two things. The donor is 31, which I think is - wow - a little older than I feel comfortable with, but she's proven (3X) with her last cycle only months ago where she produced 30+ eggs, 2 blasts transferred and about 10 frosties (by CCRM standards).

So, I decided that was a good sign.

Then I saw her profile and though I've said a hundred times I didn't care what she looked like, I took a little gulp when I read her answer to the question of What celebrity do people most commonly say you look like. I won't give you her real reply (so I can respect anonymity) but let's say it was someone with the features/coloring of Jamie Presley.

Well, my answer to the celebrity question would be Salma Hayek. Listen, I'm not trying to flatter myself - truly. I just get the comparison a LOT! I don't think she's ugly but anyone who knows me will tell you, the dark/sultry look is everything I did not want to be growing up. In the mid 90's - when that Lois and Clark show was on with Terri Hatcher - I SWEAR there was not a single week that passed that someone didn't ask if I was her and on vacation with my then-husband, a woman told my husband that I should be more accommodating to fans when I refused to autograph something, insisting I was not her.

SO....where am I going with all of this??? Well, because my sperm donor is Scottish/Anglo-Saxon with lt. brown hair and blue eyes. If you cross him and the egg donor, you'll get a baby that looks NOTHING resembling my features WHATSOEVER.

Now....I could just ask for another egg donor candidate and apologize profusely for having said I had no preference, which it turns out that I do. Or I could simply change my sperm donor, which is a much easier thing to do.

Why do I love my sperm donor? Because he's smart, plays the violin and comes from a long line of brilliance. You're thinking, c'mon Sky, what is he, a rocket scientist? Umm...well, yes, as a matter of fact, he is. He has his PhD in Physics, sub specialty on gamma rays. (I love astronomy)

However, there is another sperm donor. He has black hair, hazel eyes and is Spaniard/Italian. The cryobank's staff reports that he is "extremely attractive" with "sparkling" hazel eyes and sharp "model-like" features. He's also no dummy - he has a PhD in Pharmacy.

If I go with the Spaniard, at least the child will truly be a cross between my genes and the DE genes (who happens to have the same coloring as the men I've been drawn to in my life).

Or I could go with the rocket scientist and wind up with a child who is blond, blue-eyed and get the frequent comment "wow, the baby looks nothing like you."

I'm really confused. This DE match - 31? Blond? Now I have sperm donor questions?

Ugh! Please, please - DO NOT hold back. Advice, comments - all is welcome!

PS: Please know that I feel BLESSED to even have the opportunity to have these "problems" in the first place! :)

Thanks for listening ladies!

10 Honest Things....

I was tagged by the lovely yoga chick Sue. So I need to come up with ten honest things about myself (that preferably don’t put you all to sleep) ;)

1. I daydream a lot. For example, about the 3 million dollars NET I want to win in order to never work in Corporate America again. And about the 3 food items I would choose if my body would translate them into zero calories (Entemann's chocolate covered donuts - nuked for 25 seconds, with a huge glass of 1% COLD milk, pizza and Gorgonzola cheese).

2. I love winter with the same passion that I hate summer. I love single digit temperatures, the snow, the mountains and that dry, crisp air. My fertility clinic being in Colorado is especially nice - totally my kind of environment.

3. Animals were my first love. I would choose a trip to play with tiger cubs (or even to see pit vipers) over the hottest, most chic party in the city any day of the week.

4. I LOVE Hugh Laurie's character, House, and everyone tells me he would be the perfect man for me. Umm...that's probably not a compliment but, to me, it actually is. Sure, he's rough and damaged and harsh - but he's brutally honest (which I appreciate), brilliant and has impeccable integrity, at all cost. And it doesn't hurt that Hugh Laurie is totally HOT (conversely, I don't think the same of Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise).

5. I really like the smell of skunk! (haaaa! yes, it's true!)

6. The greatest punishment is to force me to watch Daytime TV for even one single day. I think I would suck down a cyanide pill before I could sit through a single episode of Judge Judy.

7. I had an intense fascination with mountains, particularly Everest. I've read epic tales from climbers and mapped out the various routes via Nepal and China. If I won that 3M bucks, I would plan a 2 month trek to base camp through the South over the next month - which is when all of the climbers start their trek to the 17,000 foot plateau where they set up outdoor living quarters while they venture up/down to various camp levels to acclimatize before making a summit attempt to 29,035 feet.

8. You've probably guessed by now but places like Paris, Vienna, London, Rome have no real appeal to me (though I've been to some of those destinations). I'd rather be on Kodiak Island watching bears, in Kenya listening to lion roars, skiing anywhere west or even on a remote beach on St. John (despite my hating the summer, I do enjoy a few days on a warm Caribbean beach taking in the sun - it's a destination for me, not somewhere I would enjoy living).

9. When I've watched snippets of that Nanny on TV coming into someone's house with kids who are kicking their parents and throwing shit across the room, I think - may the universe come to the rescue of a child of mine who thinks he/she will behave that way and not regret it ten-fold an instant later. Discipline is completely lacking in U.S. households and I see it in every grocery store, in every Target, every time. These are the kids we watch as teenagers with our mouths agape - at the horror of who they are. I wouldn't embark on having a child if that was my idea of parenting - to toss my hands up in the air. This is a difficult commitment for 20+ years of making sure I build a human being who is responsible, compassionate, independent, strong, principled and who has a sense of community and contribution. If I can't commit to that fully, then I have no business bringing another disaster into the world.

10. On a lighter note, I LOVE washing dishes. I mean LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! When I go to friend's houses, sometimes they'll leave me their dishes to do and it thrills me. They just laugh. My only requirement is kitchen gloves. I think it's therapeutic for me.

And because this inane shit tickles me pink, please leave comments on the 3 food items you would choose if your body would miraculously interpret them as zero calories (you can't just say cheese or cake - too broad - has to be a specific kind).