Let there be light

I must begin by thanking each and every single one of you wonderful ladies. Hearing from so many caring souls out there - many of which are new to my blog - was so heart-warming and gave me such comfort while I sat in a fog.

There were a couple of weeks there that I actually believed I would donate my 14 remainning embryos and call it a day. In an email exchange, Kami gently suggested I hang on to a couple of them - just in case I changed my mind. Within days I'd already begun to come around (thanks again Kami!).

What happened? Well, I think it was truly a fluke. I got very very sick - probably food poisoning of some sort - and days later I started to bleed and things just sort of tumbled from there. No sense in rehashing it now, I guess.

Oh, and the bizarre depression. Let me tell you all that before the loss, I experienced depression and anxiety that worsened considerably by the day. It all began in my seventh week. I think it was the very high dose of PIO (my progesterone level was over 70) and other pregnancy hormones that conspired badly for me. Between week seven and eight, I lost 10 lbs. and was barely sleeping. I would wake up at 3 AM with such anxiety that one night I had an urge to leave my house in the middle of the night in a rain storm and run down the street, barefoot, as fast as I could to a field a few blocks away and lay in the mud. No, I don't think I was psychotic but I was desperate to RUN, anxious to get away from myself. It's difficult to explain.

My OB wanted me to take Zoloft and insisted it was relatively safe during pregnancy and that it's certainly far safer than a deep depression - but I worried about eating a soft cheese, never mind an anti-depressant!

However, after two weeks on Zoloft, I woke up feeling brand spanking new. I realized I'd slept the entire night and that the world no longer felt like it was coming to an end. I will remain on the Zoloft (which is the lowest dose that's prescribed) throughout any future pregnancy and increase the dose if/when I give birth as I am a prime candidate for post-pardom depression. Hey, I could think this is a bad break but a lot of women have far greater physical and medical challenges during pregnancy and they do what they have to do. So will I.

After refusing to have a re-group, last Monday I finally had my phone consult with Dr. Surrey and he was happy to know I'd do a FET. Before that, I have to have a saline sonogram to make sure everything is looking good inside and he gave me the option of bloodwork for blood clotting issues, though he didn't think it would be necessary as we both classified this as a fluke.

I thought I might transfer by Christmas but in what can only be called AWESOME news, my company's annual medical enrollment notice this week came with news of brand new health plans and guess what? Yeap! There is infertility coverage. I could say "FUCK! Why didn't they do this last year and I could have saved 15K from my whopping bill" but I won't. I'm going to be thankful that they'll cover 50% up to 15K in 2010 for infertility services and be extremely thankful, which I am!

My plan will be as last time - transfer only 1 embryo, as I have no desire for twins. Dr. Surrey reminded me that my embryos are all vitrified so the reality is my chances are nearly as good with these as with the fresh transfer - something I knew when they were frozen and always found comfort in.

So, it's a January FET for me!

Now, about you all....I've been following all of your blogs ladies and I'm so thrilled to see how wonderfully it's going for so many of you (and this must be the year for girls, girls, girls!). For those of you in process, I have my fingers crossed and am very hopeful you'll be successful, at last. I'll be commenting on your blogs soon enough again!

Big hugs and another enormous thanks for the kindness and sensitivity you've all demonstrated.