A.ma.nda Kn.ox (totally off topic!)

You know the girl. She's standing trial in Italy for allegedly killing her roommate. I've been mildly aware of the story and, frankly, the facts against her seem weak - at best. Given what I know, I couldn't vote to convict. She may have actually done it but, again, I don't think the evidence supports that sufficiently for me.

But I'll say this: if she gets convicted, I'm going to give her a big fat idiot award and I'll tell you why. She isn't a toothless teenage tranny from the bus depot with a meth addiction. She's a pretty educated girl with intelligent, supportive parents and a relatively privileged life and yet she has the moronic audacity to nearly always have a SMILE plastered on her face in court.

Seriously! WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Even if I knew I was completely innocent of a crime. Even if my alibi was having dined with the U.S. president. Even if the only DNA found at the crime belonged to someone in custody who'd just confessed to having been the sole perpetrator. EVEN THEN, I would NOT have a smile on my face. EVER!

Holy shit! Someone in that little girl's inner circle needs to stop coddling her and inform her that innocent people can and do go to jail based on perceptions and that that stupid ass grin on her face ain't doin' anything good for her cause.

Mind you, A.ma.nda's less than rational behavior goes back. When she was brought into the police station to be questioned just after the murder, her behavior was reported as "inappropriate." She'd sit on her boyfriend's lap exchanging kisses and passed the time doing cartwheels and splits. I suppose in the context of all that, the perpetual smile on her face seems very much in character. Makes you wonder if that isn't, in fact, a tell. A sociopath may struggle to project the image of a psychologically balanced individual as he/she has no innate understanding of what that would be. Usually, the brutal murder of your roommate would elicit...umm...I dunno, maybe sadness, tremors, weepiness - even a state of catatonia. Maybe the beauty here is that she actually did do it and her detached behavior post murder was just as it would have to be in order to murder.

I feel terrible for her parents who, by contrast, look ravaged in every single interview and every shot. They've bankrupt themselves to fund her defense, alternate the international travel between them so someone is always in Italy and age decades with each passing week while their daughter flashes her pearly whites looking as though she hasn't a care in the world.

What's up with that? Somebody tell me!


Home Sweet Home!

I took an earlier flight this morning from Denver to NJ on stand-by to get in a bit earlier and glad I did. It's good to be home with my furbabies.

Before I left Denver, Dr. S.urr.ey called to say everything looked great and that I didn't need a saline sonogram before my FET. He just wants to have a telephone follow-up with me in about 10 days and that my polyps were sent to pathology but expects them to be benign (so do I). Uterine polyps are usually benign and I may not have even removed these if I weren't TTC. Then again, I'm not a fan of leaving things inside that can welcome cellular change at some point, so...

I forgot to ask him if I should expect my next period to arrive when it should have, which is in like 2 weeks. Well, I would definitely like to get rolling ASAP, which probably means birth control pills upon next period and then get moving forward for a transfer in January.

Hey, I've got four ladies on my blog roll that are expecting their little bundles VERY soon: RetroGirl, Polly, Onwards and Emily. Stop by and wish them well when you have a minute!

And in closing, have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving holiday ladies!


If I believed in the devil...

I would be convinced he invented the laminaria sticks. My heart truly goes out to women who've had multiple sticks inserted and I have an entirely new appreciation for the determination and tolerance to pain some women have. Clearly that's not me.

Got to C.CR.M at 7:30 AM and everything went quickly. Within 30 minutes I was fully prepped for surgery and had seen Dr. S.urr.ey and the anesthesiologist (whose name escapes me). The nurses were so sweet and gentle. Dr. S.urr.ey asked if I was able to tolerate the laminaria and I said "no, I was not able to tolerate it and it was very painful at times where I thought it's what labor pains must feel like but I did not remove the stick." He smiled "good then, that eliminates one concern of cervical incompetence in the future." At least my torture was for something!

Last night Me and I went out to dinner. She is really so witty and funny and super smart. We chatted up a storm and wished each other well.

Back to this morning, it's all a little blurry but this is what I recall. Being wheeled into the O.R., I said "hey, I'm really dizzy now" and was told they'd slipped a mickey into my I.V. and the next thing I remember is the anesthesiologist saying I'd be asleep very shortly and I said "how long until I'm asleep?" and he replied "about 8 seconds" and I said "well then, I'm going to fight it!" He smiled "oh yeah, well knock yourself out."

And then I woke up! :) Then things got more mentally bizzare.

Sky: "Where's L.ivi.e, how was her surgery? Is she okay?"

Nurse: "Who's L.ivi.e?"

Sky: "My Pekingese, where is she?"

Nurse: (smiles and looks at other nurse) "No, we're not performing surgery on pets yet"

Sky: (pensive, said nothing, tried to get my brain working)

Five minutes later I was about 99% perfect and embarrassed over it. Wow! What the hell was I thinking to believe my dog had surgery too?

About twenty minutes later, I saw Me whizz by post surgery and she seemed totally alert and we waved at one another. Cool! Then I had some crackers and juice and Mr. Me was such a super duper good egg and drove me to my hotel where a friend of mine arrived a bit later.

Everything post surgery was a piece of cake, as I expected it to be. I feel totally perfect except for some sleepiness so that's probably what I'll spend the day doing. Tomorrow I'm outta here with my friend and we head back to NJ for Thanksgiving.

Speaking of, wishing Me, her mister, their family and the rest of my wonderful IF buddies a great T-Day! Eat up! :)


Labor Pains?

Onwards was right, Dr. S.urre.y inserted a laminaria stick into my cervix. Oh. My. God. And none of my paperwork said to take meds in advance so...two shots to the cervix and little rods or something to make way for the laminaria stick. FUCK! I don't know what was worse. Wait, yes I do - the laminaria. I nearly cried. He said to try to tolerate it and not remove the stick but that if I absolutely couldn't tolerate it later, there is a little string where I could pull it out. Then he said my cervix is tilted a bit to the left so if I pulled it out, pull toward the right. What-fucking-ever!

He left the room with the nurse to give me a few minutes and I thought I would pull it out right then and there but I wanted to try to give it 5 minutes and see if it subsided to something more tolerable. Then nurse returned and I asked her if I could sit up. I imagined a hard wooden stick running from my vagina into my uterus that would break in two if I sat up. But, apparently, it's not as I imagine and I can sit.

As soon as I left the clinic, I felt better. Do I feel like jogging? Hell no, but at least I'm not in unbearable pain. But I do feel like I have very strong period cramps. The worst part is I can only take Tylenol which, in my opinion, is WORTHLESS! But I'm uncomfortable enough to take two right after I post this.

Me is coming by and we're going to grab a bite and gab about tomorrow morning's procedures for each of us. She has more follicles right now that I can produce in months! Ahhh, youth! :)

Well, that's it for today - I'll check back in after the surgery and hopefully I'll be in awesome spirits and just so thrilled to be done and one step closer.

Oh yeah, the post title....if labor pains are worse than this, I vote to gestate future children in pods and pick them up when they're done!

Good Morning Lone Tree!

Got in last night - good flight. Exhausted and crashed. In what can only be described as a huge coincidence, two other bloggers on my blog roll will have their retrievals tomorrow morning. Wow!

Both Me and Phoebe will be at C.CR.M in the same window of time I'll be there tomorrow morning. I'll be checking in at 7:30 AM for surgery at 8:30 AM with Dr. S.urr.ey and Me is behind me by an hour. So her husband gets to drive two women out of the center for the price of one. :) Poor guy!

Just returned from having my EKG done at the Sk.y Rid.ge Medical Center that's next to the clinic and all went fine. And in a couple of hours I have to check-in for pre-op and that cervical dilation that I just don't even want to think about but, yet, it creeps in. Seriously, I may never have birthed a child yet but I'm not so clueless as to not know that cervical dilation is what happens in labor and I'm pretty sure it's associated with pain. EEK!

Seriously, I just want it to be over with already so I can get back on the plane to NJ, see my awesome little animals, get some restful sleep and get ready for the Thanksgiving feast!


Colorado Bound (again!)

I'm not complaining, actually. I'm grateful that Dr. S.urr.ey's office was able to accommodate me for the polyp removal surgery next Tuesday. Normally these things aren't such a big deal but there are extenuating circumstances and obstacles:

1) Surgery this year will cost me zero dollars (deductible met) - all confirmed by C.CR.M

2) Polyp removal can only be done on certain cycle days (so that leaves me only one more cycle if I miss this window - and it would be in the month of December - good luck getting scheduled then!)

3) They will not release me to a taxi or to drive myself after the surgery. I "must" have someone I know pick me up. This is a biggie - a deal breaker - because I am not about to bring a friend out from NJ Thanksgiving week! But in what can only be described as serendipity...Me will still be out there for her cycle and was her usual super nice and flexible self to agree to picking me up when I begged her for the favor. No chance I would be this lucky next month or another month. THANK YOU AGAIN "ME" - FOR COMING TO THE RESCUE!

Can I just say that a long time ago, when I lamented about having virtually no family (though a wonderful network of friends, albeit tiny) and worried about having help with a child in a pinch, Lorraine told me that children really build a community around you - whether or not you intend for it to happen. And, case and point, IF has done the same thing. And that's a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!


Panera & Polyps

So I had the most exhausting, whirlwind of a day yesterday. I woke up at 4 AM, got ready and left around 5:15 AM for a 7:30 AM flight from NJ to Denver. Plane arrived early and I took a taxi to C.CR.M. Checked in and inquired about the H1N1 vaccine, which they still had. Normally I don't think much of vaccines but this time I felt apprehensive about it. But I decided to go with the "Sch.oolc.ra.ft law" of all pregnant or planning to be pregnant patients to receive the vaccine. Had I been pregnant, I don't know if I would have gotten it or not. But it went fine - serum stung!

Then the fun part. I met a fellow blogger! The very lovely Me is cycling and was sweet enough to pick me up at C.CR.M for lunch. We both bitched about gaining weight after years of hormones and crap. She is tall and slender and I looked like a watermelon with legs by her side :(

We grabbed lunch and a table at Panera and talked and talked. She's a hoot but super smart - like, intimidating smart. You know, the kind of person who would actually know what MTHFR stands for and what it does in its most basic scientific sense - even though she's not positive for the gene mutation. I sat there as I usually do in the company of highly intelligent people - in awe. Stop by and wish her well - that her ovaries produce a strong crop of healthy little babies she can raise some day soon. (and thanks again my friend!)

After lunch came my C.CR.M appointments. I had the ultrasound and an update on my infectious disease blood panel and then met with S.ur.rey for the hysteroscopy. My fear of having scar tissue had been so heightened that all I could process was extreme gratitude that I had "no scar tissue at all." But....yeah, there's a but. I had a polyp removed over 2 years ago. Well, now it's back - with its brother. So I have to have them removed prior to transfer. S.ur.rey said I did not have to return to have it done - to have it done locally as long as I'm comfortable with the surgeon, etc. but at this point, I just want this prep stuff to be out of the way. I called him today, as he asked, but he didn't return my call (Ugh!) because there may be a slight chance he's in early next week and can do the surgery. Otherwise, I'd have to wait until next month, during specific days in my cycle to have it done. At least my insurance covers all of it (I checked) so it's just the flight (again) but thanks to mileage points, I'm good there. And a car rental and hotel for a couple of days.

Crossing fingers I sync up with S.ur.rey tomorrow and we can hook up for early next week. Otherwise, it'll have to be next month and I just don't want to sweat it out one way or the other.

And word to the wise for those of you who ever consider taxi service to/from airport and C.CR.M - DON'T! I am in NYC at least a couple days a month for meetings and TRUST ME that the cost of cabs in the city are a drop in the proverbial bucket next to the cost of cabs in friggen Colorado. $80 each way plus a tip! I could have rented (and should have) a car for the day at a fraction of the price. CRAZY!


Hemorrhaging (TMI Post - be forewarned)

...And I couldn't be happier. What a nightmare since the D&C! Most people would be fine but with my hyper-worry personality, I suck!

D&C on 8/14
Period on 9/20 (two days, sort of full flow - seemingly on track)

Then...nothing! Nothing until the teeniest spots two weeks ago and then nothing again. That's it! I thought, I'm done, screwed and game over. Convinced I had severe scar tissue. The dreaded Asherman's Syndrome!

Dr. Surrey finally prescribed 2cc's PIO which I injected on October 30th. Then I waited...and waited...and waited. I was beyond upset. Now it was confirmed. Severe Asherman's - a known complication of a D&C which is, potentially, catastrophic and - UNFORTUNATELY - rarely mentioned!

Then last Friday (one full week after PIO shot), I had a drop of red. Then another. Then gone. What a nasty tease. Worse actually. This meant my cervix wasn't scarred as something was coming out but obviously my uterus was annihilated with scar tissue so there was nothing to shed.

Saturday, few spots. Sunday, enough for a panty liner but nothing more. Monday a pad - woo hoo. I thought, well, maybe the scarring isn't really awful.

Then Tuesday morning I woke to a saturated overnight Always pad with wings. During the day, I was bleeding so heavily through another pad and then through a Super Plus tampon and into my pants. Heavy today as well. I wanted to hang the bloody pants in celebration!

So, I went from absolutely certain I had the most severe case of incurable uterine obliteration to thinking, hey, I think I'm fine.

Yes, I'm profoundly grateful for a great outcome (which I have more faith in now) but I really wish I could STOP hopping on the crazy mobile the instant my brain imagines any potential tragedy, however remote. And this is on 50 mg/day of Zoloft!

Tuesday I fly to Denver before dawn for an ultrasound and hysteroscopy with Surrey and infectious disease blood panel update and back home to NJ same day. Whirlwind! Wish me luck girls. :)