Pregnancy: The Cure for Infertility?

Before calling me Captain Obvious, allow me to explain.

Two women on my blog roll (I actually thought it was almost all of them - mostly because I'm prone to exaggeration) and two women in my "real life" and several women on the fertility forum site where I used to hang/post have all received natural BFP's AFTER years of TTC, massive sums of cash forked over to fertility clinics, tons of BFN's, tears and finally the joy of success.  Happily, off they went with baby in hand, spooked by the clinical nature of their conception but mostly just damned happy to be mothers.

Birth control?  HAAAAAA!  Of course not, after that history, would you?  But low and behold.  They became those women.  You know who.  The women every annoying know-it-all felt compelled to tell you about when you were knee-deep in follistim injectibles and fertility bills.  The women who tried and tried and tried and tried FOREVER to have a child - first by YEARS of regular, unprotected sex and then more years of timed, medicated transfers of beautiful embryos.  Only after many of the latter did they finally bring home a baby and voila, they'd report a natural pregnancy not long after.

The stuff of legends?  I used to think so.  I thought it was 99 parts bullshit, 1 part grain of truth (the pregnancy was truth - how they got there I seriously doubted). 

But it's happened too often in my very short sample of infertiles for me to ignore.  It happens.  And often.  There, I said it.  Curse me.  Whatever.  But I calls it as I sees it.

And no, I don't believe it has anything to do with "relaxing" and that these women, now mothers, relieved so much inner stress that their bodies did what they hadn't previously done.  No, I don't actually believe that.  But I do think there may be some kind of hormonal righting, something that triggers the body to finally do what it just couldn't.  Hell, I don't know.  I'm no scientist - CLEARLY.  I just know that pregnancy changed my body in every single way (none of which was good, frankly) and I would be foolish not to allow for the possibility that it stirs the chemistry just enough, cleans out the pipes ever so diligently that...natural conception becomes far more likely.

A mutual friend Kathy.  Eight years, countless IVF's and finally, twin boys.  When they were 8 months and she was going out of her mind trying to juggle it all, she was nauseaus.  Isabella was born 9 months later.  She never had unprotected sex again.

A colleague.  Two years of IVF.  A baby girl.  Six months later.  Holy shit, she was pregnant.

Emmeline's mommy.  IVF after too many years of unprotected sex yielded no baby.  Fresh IVF at CCRM, BFN.  Adoption paperwork.  FET, BFP.  Beautiful little lady.  1.5 years later, miscarriage (read: natural conception) and 12 weeks ago, BFP.  Twins, albeit identical (so 1 damned good egg/embryo split).  Still.  WTF?

Emily.  Three failed IVF's after 4 years of unprotected sex and no baby.  Finally, a little girl after a successful FET.  And when her daughter was about to turn 1, a late period turned into a second daughter.  Surprise!

There are actually several others but it's late and you get the point.

I've now turned into one of those women (roll eyes) who absolutely thinks you can get pregnant naturally, despite blowing six figures at the highest end clinics, despite going donor egg route, despite decades of infertility. 

The recipe, as far as I can tell is this:  regular sex, unblocked fallopian tubes in a woman under 40. 

Then again, is that really so magical?  Isn't that what everyone has to have?

Perhaps infertiles have just been handed so much shit for so long and had to suck it up and push on to build their families that when years later the very mundane, normal course of things happens - pregnancy - they're ready to call the Vatican and have it declared a miracle.

Awesome.  Wonderful.  Unexpected.  Yes, all of those things.  But just pretty normal.  And a very very good normal, indeed.

Oh and about us....we're good.  I have the most delightful, feisty, ridiculously smart firecracker.  She'll outwit me before her 10th birthday.  Until then, I'll pretend I'm a formidable opponent.  Wish me luck.  ;)  and here's a recent shot of the little lady who owns my heart.  Next month she'll be 2.  Wow!

 

Finally, let me just say how much this post brought back memories.  There was a time (2008-2010) when I was on the very edge of my seat reading all of your stories, crying with you and celebrating the really great moments in your lives.  There was absolutely a sisterhood I felt, and still do.  It's brought me such joy to see that most of us have gone on to have our children, whether by donor eggs or IVF and our own eggs or adoption.  We have the children we were meant to have, and that's about as otherworldly as I'm going to get. 

There were a couple of ladies that made choices to take different paths and despite loving my daughter more than my own life by leaps and bounds, I can honestly say that motherhood has given me a unique perspective on being childfree.  I don't think my life was less happy or complete than it is now.  It was merely different, so I know without a shadow of a doubt that either path brings an equally rich and fulfilled life.

Continued happiness, my beautiful sisters.

I love toddlers!

Yeap, I do.  They're fun and funny and mischevious and even though it can be...well...maddening, the good far outweighs the bad (for me, anyway).  Infants, however - ugh!  HATE IT!  Drooling blobs that can do NOTHING for themselves but shit and cry, and they do lots of it.  There wasn't a single rewarding day for me until she began to crawl at 8 months.  Ironically, I'd LOVE another one and with 11 on ice, I could but....c'mon.  I'm 45 now and she took enough of a physical toll on my body (c-section healed after the sponge was surgically removed, of course).  And then there's the childcare costs.  If I were even 40, I'd do it again.  Alas, my little lady is likely it for me - but I can so feel the pull for another.  :)  I've kept up with you all, stalking blogs, cheering and even shedding some tears.  I really feel as though there was a sisterhood between us ladies throughout our different paths and I still hold it close to me and think of you all so very often.

There's so much to say but for now, I'll leave you with pictures of my beautiful little lady - 16 months old.  The love of my life.  And wish you all continued success and happiness and, yes, I'll still be looking in on you all.

(Images removed)

My c-section wound....

First of all, I just don't blog anymore. This fucking c-section catastrophe has absolutely destroyed me since baby's birth.

But I will give everyone an update. After me complaining about not feeling right and asking why the wound doesn't heal for past 2 months (out of 3) and my legs experiencing shooting pains, etc. (why bore you with all of the details?), I saw the Medical Director of the Wound Center last Monday for a second opinion. He is a Vascular Surgeon and said we should open it back up and clean it out and see what's going on why it hadn't healed.

On St. Patrick's Day, I was in recovery when the surgeon told me they found a "sponge inside." WTF?! My best friend, V, came up from Miami to help me with baby that day/night and left this morning. He'd already seen her while I was out of it to tell her same. She was aghast.

But AT LEAST I know now I wasn't crazy in all of the feelings I was having and I feel so much more positive now that this wound WILL finally heal. Of course, the gaping hole inside me is much larger now but as long as I heal, I'm going to thank my lucky stars!

Anyway....hopefully on the mend, FINALLY!

My cutie patootie

Not a great picture of my little one but a cute one all the same. A friend of mine watches her one day a week to give me a break. Her dog, B, is the sweetest guy - a big dumb, happy, nervous and energetic Weimaraner. I trust him COMPLETELY. He couldn't hurt a fly. In fact, my fiery little Pekingese lunged at him a couple of years back and got him in the face and he got scared and keeps away from her since then. He wants no trouble from a 13 lb. Peke. ;)

Anyway, seems my little one was filthy and he decided she absolutely needed her face washed. What a sweetie! And the little one thought it was a hoot.

I'm a very big fan of dogs and kids, as you can tell.

(Oh....My fucked up c-section wound is still not closed and I'm wondering if it'll still be there when my girl goes to grad school - but the wound vac came off today and now I'll just pack it 1-2 times/day, until we see how that goes. UGH!)

Whew! No MRSA!

Fortunately the Infectious Disease doctor didn't call in the guys in the white coats on me when I told him I was freaking out that I have MRSA and am dying and he's keeping it from me.

The CT scan came back clear - no abscess; all clear. And he emphatically said "you don't have MRSA. We've cultured you several times" to which I replied "but did you test me specifically for MRSA?" and he said "yeah, the lab tests for everything." So I remind him ('cause I question an Infectious Disease specialist if he knows MRSA is staph - just a highly resistant staph) and he says "no, staph is on the skin - it's really common; most people have it if you swab them and culture. That's not MRSA." (My OB doctor said last week she'd be surprised if I had MRSA 'cause "you look great and you'd be really really sick." But, hey, she's no Infectious Disease doctor so I dismissed her opinion)

Then he proceeded to tell me that I worry too much and that the mind is a powerful thing, yada, yada, yada.

So I question why this effen wound isn't healed yet and he said it's getting better and basically waved me off and said to relax.

And here's the part only hypocondriacs like me could appreciate. I was down the hall from the Wound Center and I literally thought "maybe the lab got it wrong every culture test and I do have MRSA."

Yeah, even suffering from anxious worry, I realized that would be really unlikely.

Aside from this wound STILL not fully healed, I'm not infected with anything and the CT scan of my abdomen apparently shows normal insides.

I suppose it's just going to be a frustratingly slow(er) process than I'd hoped.

WTF!

Seriously, this post is going to be a bitch-fest!!!

So...remember the fucked up c-section wound? Well, has it healed? Fuck NO!

For the first 4 weeks there was huge progress and the wound is now about 1.5 cm deep x .5 cm wide with a "tunnel" off of it about 1.9 cm deep. And for those 4 weeks I wore a wound vac (very cumbersome and depressing to have to carry that 24/7). Anyway, 3 weeks ago the "tunnel" (which had been 1 cm week prior went to 1.5 cm) so I instantly asked doctor for a CT scan or MRI, just to see WTF was going on behind the wound. He said the wound had improved a lot from day one (which it had) and that it would improve following week. It didn't. At the same time he took cultures from inside because I smelled something funny (he didn't). Culture came back positive for staph, yet I was on antibiotics (the right one to cover staph) from week prior which said to me the antibiotics aren't working. He sent me another round of antibiotics.

And then 2 weeks ago it still hadn't improved and I asked why I was even wearing the wound vac if it wasn't improving. He agreed and removed the wound vac and had me pack it twice a day with a gauze that has silver in it (I think silver nitrate or something antibacterial). I did so. No easy task as the entry to wound is teeny - can barely push the head of a Q-t.i.p inside.

Well, the wound is still no better and there is a lot of drainage for such a small wound and the drainage looks "a little cloudy," which is suspicious of infection (meanwhile, I'm on the antibiotic).

FINALLY, this morning he agreed to order a CT scan (I don't know - but I'd feel better if they could see something in there to ease my mind) AND he put me back on the wound vac. Needless to say, I'm depressed to be on this machine again. Oh and he's sent me another antibiotic to take with the current one.

If the CT scan (Friday morning) shows nothing and the wound is no better I'm going to have to see OB and have surgery so they can open it back up, clean it out and put the wound vac on AGAIN.

Honestly, I curse this c-section!!!

If ANYONE out there in cyberspace reads this and has experience with a c-section wound and how much time yours took to heal and if you wore a vac or packed it, please share details with me. I'd like to feel less alone in the world here. :(

As for my little princess, she's beautiful and wonderful - thank the universe for THAT!

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice....

YEAH! I got my girl! She's beautiful, healthy and delicious. She was born on 12.6.10 at 4:17 pm - three weeks early - 7 lbs. 12 oz. and 20" long.

In short, the protein in my urine was high and it was decided safest to take me to surgery. I didn't attempt natural delivery because, though she was head down, she was very high and I believed I'd end up with a c-section anyway.

I'm going to tell you I've regretted that decision tremendously. I know more people who've had c-sections than natural delivery and not a single one had a complication. But me? Yeap, I did. A week after her birth, a 2" part of my c-section was seeping bloody fluid. The stitches were removed and a hole in my scar is now open so that it heals from the inside out. I see an Infectious Disease specialist at the Hospital's Wound Center and wear something called a "Wound Vac" that sucks the fluid from the hole in my stomach by negative pressure into a small box that I carry around. I've struggled with the anxiety and depression that's come with this health setback but thanks to Zoloft and a conscious effort to stay focused on taking one day at a time, I'm doing okay. Anyway, looks like another month before it's healed and I desperately look forward to it.

Pregnancy was definitely hard on me. I now take meds for high blood pressure (spent 1 day in hospital on Mag Sulfate because my BP was soaring) and we monitor to see if it goes down on its own over time. My cholesterol is very high but doctor says she thinks it's also pregnancy related and wants to re-take in 6 months and make a decision then. Carpel Tunnel in my hands and some nerve issue with a couple of toes in my right foot (probably a pinched nerve).

Hey, I just turned 44 - not the greatest time to have a baby, so I'm going to have to work extra hard to improve my health and labs. I did lose all of the pregnancy weight in 2 weeks, so that's good.

But back to the positive...I've been blessed with this little beauty and good friends who call and email and text and send hugs.

I will eventually come back and post the birth story because it was overwhelming and complex and really beautiful.

For now I'll leave you all with a picture of my lovely lady and wishes for a wonderful holiday and a better 2011 than any of us even imagines!