My Baby Bird at 8w0d (-2 days) - 163 bpm

What a cutie patootie! The doctor at RMA chuckled and said "oh, the baby's in a great position." You can see the head, the belly, arm and leg buds growing. :)

6w2d (measuring 3 days behind), hr 125 bpm

Yeaaaaaaaaaaah, I have held out on the infertile sisterhood. My heartfelt mea culpa, truly. But I just couldn't stomach going into another transfer and potential BFN with all of you cringing at another bad outcome for me. Hell, it could still go sour but I have to get more positive at some point, eh?

I fully intended to see Dr. Su.r.rey after the failed March cycle for a hysteroscopy and rule out any issues until....the connections from Denver to L.A. (where I would be for a few days anyway) were outrageous and what really sealed the deal was how confident he was that nothing was wrong with my uterus at all - that the pick on the SFET was clearly the wrong one.

On April 12, I transferred two. The real decider for me was the fact that my embryos are frozen in straws of two (don't even want to go there with my frustration over that) and I refused to continue to re-freeze the remaining embryo. It's done and they've have great success with them but it was only done 5 times in 2009 (with 4 ending in success) and the embryologist said it wasn't studied enough (i.e., long term effects) and I'd already re-frozen one in March. Didn't feel like coming up on the bad side of the coin toss in April (and how many more months thereafter) and sacrificing the quality of my embryos, never mind the 5K each time.

1st beta (5/21, 9dp5dt) = 229
I felt like barfing and not from morning sickness. That number was suggesting they both stuck. What fucking luck! Even Dr. Su.r.re.y said it was certainly in the range to indicate such but that the second beta would probably indicate better.

2nd beta (5/23, 11dp5dt) = 415
Didn't double. Crap. I didn't want a triple or more because it would have really looked like twins but to not even double was a little troublesome. But C.CR.M said anything over 66% is what they want and mine was 81%. So I did manage to stop worrying right away - after all, not a damned thing I could do and I've been really working hard to take things as they come. Sometimes I succeed.

I had my first u/s last Friday (5/7) and one today at the new OB's office (specs in title). Been spotting for over a week but nothing more than a few spots on the tp and my progesterone and estrogen looks perfect and the embryo is fine too. So, again, I was successful at not worrying about it. What could I do anyway?

When the little one resembles a human (even remotely), I'll be sure to post the pic.

Right now, I'm happy - really really happy and loving the little bird with the beating heart. Hopefully s/he'll be a couple of weeks early so I don't have to bring 'em into the world Christmas week which, in my book, isn't best.

Hugs to you all.

The Ba.ck-up P..la.n (review)

I watch the early morning news on ABC and their in-house critic was brutal. He outright insisted everyone save their money and stay home - that he HAD to endure it for professional reasons but it was awful, "a bomb!" He was even more brutal about the script and A.le.x O'La.ug.hlin. But I wasn't put off, I went anyway.

Maybe I had such low expectations or maybe I'm just not an idiot who expects a romantic comedy to be of the same calibur as, say, The En.gl.ish P.ati.ent because I actually enjoyed it. I thought it was cute - very light-hearted, totally predictable, sappy at times and provided the yummiest man candy. I mean, that's almost a recipe for a romantic comedy, no?

So for any of the aspiring SMC out there, I absolutely think it's worth 90 minutes and $10.50. Now, remember, I have a massive crush on the lead male actor because I am SO COMPLETELY DISGUSTED by metro sexual men with waxed chests, plucked eyebrows and diamond stud earrings (eeeeewwwwwwwww!). I'm before the time when that became in vogue. I'm from when men who look like men, had pride, didn't cry at the drop of a hat and ran to grab a heavy box from their lady was considered manly.

YUMMMMMMM!

The Ba.ck-up P..la.n

The movie releases mid April and I can't wait to see it. Stars Jennifer L.o..pez and the absolute all-time hunkiest guy on planet Earth (Al.e.x O.'L.ough.lin). He used to star in a short-lived series on TV about vampires (Moonlight) and I thought he was over-the-top dreamy. He's actually Australian but he's usually speaking in full-on "American" for roles.



Anyway, I can't wait to see this movie. It's about a girl who has reached the...ehem...later reproductive years and decides to have a baby without the husband part because as you all know soooooo well - women have biological clocks. Men, not so much.

So she has an IUI using a sperm donor and apparently meets this hunk in the cab on the way home. Within days they're dating and judging by the trailer, she announces her pregnancy five minutes after they do the deed for the first time to which he teases "I'm pretty sure it doesn't happen that fast." Of course, it's the product of sperm donor #XYZ's and the story ensues.

I'm fairly sure it'll be no contender for the Academy next year and that it'll probably suck in the box office except for J..Lo fans and SMC and the really committed chick flick connoisseur (I'm guilty on the latter two counts), but I'm really eager to watch.

And can I just say, for the record....I'm not some SMC activist. Frankly, I think doing what I'm doing should be done with EXTREME caution and consideration and a lot of thorough planning (check, check and check) but for women like me, who've waited longer than a maternal whim at 23 and who have some financial stability and can make a sustained commitment for life (this is a biggie and ladies who are still hopelessly-and-desperately-searching-for-the-love-of-their-lives-in-bars-and-on-all-occasions need not apply), I hope perceptions can change a bit.

Further, I truly love any movie that provokes thought about the genetic code when it comes to love and parenting. I know there are many men out there whose sperm isn't quite doing "the trick" and their children (via sperm donors) are no less their children. Same of the mothers via egg donation or surrogacy (regardless of egg provider) and parents through adoption.

I'm a pragmatic, science-minded individual and I understand and agree that any child from my body will not be my genetic offspring but will be no less my child than one who shares my DNA - and no less my child than one I would adopt. Parenting is so much what defines who our children are and who their parents are.

Imagine a heart transplant. It's true the organ doesn't share your DNA but it's YOUR heart and always will be.

So any time Hollywood wants to help open minds and hearts in a productive direction - in no matter how light-hearted a storyline - I'm all for it.

Another C.CR.M Girl (with CGH)

I love IF blogs - we have so much in common. The single gals blogs are few and far in between but they're awesome to read too. And the C.CR.M girls - I feel like we're the closest of "sisters." Probably because we've all decided flying across the country and the much added expense and logistical nightmare was worth it to get our best chance at success (maybe I just think you're all as nuts as I am to go so far out of your way for diaper duty).

So here's another C.CR.M sista who's in cycle and transferring far sooner than I'd thought (almost lost track of her).

Stop by and wish her well if you have a sec. :)

VERY worth noting!

This is really an add-on to my prior post. One thing that ticks me off is that, despite the fact that I always told C.CR.M I would transfer one on the fresh and they knew I was a single woman interested in only one child, they froze all of my embryos in straws of two.

So what does that mean? That I have to thaw TWO each time and re-freeze one. Well, I know vitrification is the cat's meow and everything but it's still not advisible to freeze/thaw/re-freeze/thaw, you know?! In fact, I asked Dr. S.ur.rey if it would be wise of me to thaw them all, do CGH, re-freeze and then do eSET's with the chromosomally sound embryos. His reply was that we could do that but it's better to do that freeze/thaw/re-freeze/thaw as least as possible. So WTF didn't they just freeze in single straws?

Between that and the lack of infertility coverage, I feel as though I'm having to weigh moral decisions against equally real financial decisions. In other words - and let me just lay it out there - emotional cost of reduction against financial cost of several FET's. One of those options could leave me without options and I'll give you a hint I'm talking about the green one!

I'm just pissed about the outside elements that have pushed me between a rock and a hard place.

A Chromosomally Sound Embryo and a Perfect (proven) Uterus is Great (but doesn’t guarantee success)

Just had my WTF with Dr. S.u.rr.ey and asked a lot of probing questions. I feel better than ever that it could just have been a bad embryo, no matter how good it looks. He mentioned a study done on embryos created from donor eggs. The finding was 30% chromosomal abnormality. Now, granted, donor eggs usually come from…ehem…”older” women (like me) who are typically with older men and sperm does have a higher abnormality rate given the man’s age. But even with that, you can probably take away a 20-25% rate of chromosomal abnormality faulted to the donor egg. Best case scenario 1 in 5 eggs from a young donor (my donor was almost 32 – not a pup exactly) are shit!

Hey, that’s all great news for me. Means my uterus is probably just fine. In fact, I told him I wanted another hysteroscopy (provided there is no downside to it). He said “I don’t think you need it and we’ll probably find nothing” but agreed it’s a great idea if it gives me peace of mind (which it would). Further, he insisted I could do it in NJ. But I told him my upcoming business trip may schedule out beautifully between CD 5-13 so I could do it on my way to/from L.A.

Thought this statistical information was interesting. This is specific to donor egg embryos, which have NOT been CGH-tested and are FET by vitrification (numbers for CGH-normal embryos or fresh donor egg embryo transfers are higher in all categories):

Embryo # at Transfer and BFP
1 – 45-50%
2 – 65-70%

Chance of Twins
1 – 2%
2 – 25%

This information was different from what I heard from Dr. G last summer during my fresh transfer, which is frustrating (his numbers for vitrification transfers were FAR more favorable).

Anyway, I will have another decision to make transfer day. One or two? I don’t know, I really don’t.