Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice....

YEAH! I got my girl! She's beautiful, healthy and delicious. She was born on 12.6.10 at 4:17 pm - three weeks early - 7 lbs. 12 oz. and 20" long.

In short, the protein in my urine was high and it was decided safest to take me to surgery. I didn't attempt natural delivery because, though she was head down, she was very high and I believed I'd end up with a c-section anyway.

I'm going to tell you I've regretted that decision tremendously. I know more people who've had c-sections than natural delivery and not a single one had a complication. But me? Yeap, I did. A week after her birth, a 2" part of my c-section was seeping bloody fluid. The stitches were removed and a hole in my scar is now open so that it heals from the inside out. I see an Infectious Disease specialist at the Hospital's Wound Center and wear something called a "Wound Vac" that sucks the fluid from the hole in my stomach by negative pressure into a small box that I carry around. I've struggled with the anxiety and depression that's come with this health setback but thanks to Zoloft and a conscious effort to stay focused on taking one day at a time, I'm doing okay. Anyway, looks like another month before it's healed and I desperately look forward to it.

Pregnancy was definitely hard on me. I now take meds for high blood pressure (spent 1 day in hospital on Mag Sulfate because my BP was soaring) and we monitor to see if it goes down on its own over time. My cholesterol is very high but doctor says she thinks it's also pregnancy related and wants to re-take in 6 months and make a decision then. Carpel Tunnel in my hands and some nerve issue with a couple of toes in my right foot (probably a pinched nerve).

Hey, I just turned 44 - not the greatest time to have a baby, so I'm going to have to work extra hard to improve my health and labs. I did lose all of the pregnancy weight in 2 weeks, so that's good.

But back to the positive...I've been blessed with this little beauty and good friends who call and email and text and send hugs.

I will eventually come back and post the birth story because it was overwhelming and complex and really beautiful.

For now I'll leave you all with a picture of my lovely lady and wishes for a wonderful holiday and a better 2011 than any of us even imagines!

Home Free!

I must have some nerve stating that, but I'm going to go out on a limb and feel confident now.

I don't know how other women do it but I had milestones on my calendar. Something like this:

-20 Weeks - half way there!
-28 Weeks - semi safe zone (can breathe a bit easier)
-30 Weeks - minimum delivery date I can feel good with
-32 Weeks - still NICU but healthy baby would result
-34 Weeks - maybe NICU but very confident about healthy baby
-35 Weeks - HOME FREE!

And tomorrow is Home Free!

Now, do I think nothing can go wrong? HELL NO! I'm too cautious and realistic to live in a cloud, but I do think the odds are definitely in my favor - especially that the little monkey measures almost 2 weeks ahead (just a big baby) and my uterine arteries are good - no notching (some studies suggest the opposite of my results indicate pre-eclampsia in your future).

Mostly good news. But I see the doctor every week now and my blood pressure is a concern. I've been diagnosed with "Borderline" Pregnancy Induced Hypertension and my physical complaints are nearly endless. But I've made it to 35 weeks so I have MUCH to be thankful for.

The worst time, psychologically, was during weeks 23-28. I desperately feared anything that would necessitate delivery because I was terrified of the outcome - a micro preemie with a dozen serious health conditions and many more I'd learn of later - and how would I handle that as a single parent? How does anyone handle that, even with tons of help? 28 weeks was a real reason for me to feel safer. And I also figured they could keep me in the hospital and try to get 2 more weeks out of me. But none of those worries came to pass - thank the universe!

Frankly, I'd be surprised if I didn't deliver in the next 2 weeks because of the blood pressure crap going on and my general well-being, or lack thereof. And this would be fine by me. I'm ready.

Rest assured I will publish the birth story, post a pic and not hold anything back! ;)

So I'll sign off with a very sincere wish for you all to have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your friends and family and much health and fertility wishes to all!

My FIRST Baby Gift (came from a blogger buddy!)

So, I have been dreading the registry. I don't know why exactly but a couple of reasons come to mind. I'm still in the danger zone (27 weeks) and maybe I just don't want to seem silly if catastrophe happens. But that's really the minor point. I'm a freak! I hate Ba.bi.e.sR.Us and baby departments in general. It's overwhelming to me - sensory overload, I think.

I've changed all of the toilets in my house by myself - no problem. Sinks, tiling, laminate "wood" flooring - done, done and done. I took care of my mom while she died of cancer - hard as hell, but I did it. And I've given myself hundreds of sub-q and intramuscular needles throughout the IVF process. I'm independent and I guess I realized recently that I really like being "in control" and able to take care of myself. But when I walk into baby mega store, I feel like I'm on the moon, building an eco-friendly human habitat with no scientific experience. I get a pang of anxiety and, really, I just want to leave and avoid the whole thing.

Well, some friends have been hounding me about doing the registry for an office shower and a shower from my small group of personal girlfriends. I confessed to two of my friends that I just had trouble with the store and they eagerly volunteered to come with me - and make it a girl's afternoon. So we did - two Saturdays ago.

And what did the UPS man bring to my door? A huge box and a little box. Hmm...I hadn't ordered anything, so I was wondering...What did I find when I opened it? My changing pad and the softest cover - both from my registry. From my family? Nope. From my closest girlfriends IRL? No. My very first baby gift EVER came from Me - someone who's come to my rescue (with a little help from her mister) before and been so kind to me. I loved meeting her in Denver during our coinciding trips and just talking. She's the kind of person I generally gravitate to - honest (even brutally so, which I adore), kind, highly intelligent and the kind of person you know instantly is all substance and zero bullshit - all the things I find comforting and refreshing.

So...Me...I thank you and thank you some more for being so generous and doing such a sweet thing. I'm not a highly sensitive person but - hormones, ya know - I welled up when I saw your name on the paperwork. And please remember that when you're in central NJ for a business trip, we're meeting up for a couple of drinks on me!

This IF blogging community has been such a positive experience for me. :)

Going Private for a Bit - be back soon :)

Blue or Pink?

I don't know either.

Thanks for all of your replies. I think, given I've waited this long, I'll wait until birth.

What helped? Something really really really silly. I found a nursery theme that could work for now and when I have the baby, I can incorporate more gender specific colors into it.

It's not the greatest but I like it. And, truthfully, I'm looking much more forward to creating a beautiful little girl's or boy's room vs. a baby nursery. I'd love to see the excitement and joy in a little one's face over getting their big girl/boy bed and the room being decorated exactly as they want.

21 weeks and a rainy Sunday in NJ

I love this weather (not every day for months, of course, but once in a while - it's wonderful). Been hanging out with the cutest, cuddliest and sweetest kids on earth - my furbabies. My little girl (Pekingese), who adores me but is true to her aloof natured breed, trotted over a while ago and wanted me to put her on the couch next to me because she's scared of the thunder. Now she's sleeping peacefully pressed up against me. I just love it. :)

Let's see, what's new on the pregnancy front....

I feel the baby move, which is weird and such an unfamiliar feeling but it does remind me the baby's alive - so that's the good part.

I've had those Braxon Hicks contractions. My first was around 14 weeks. It's always happened at night or as I wake. My stomach becomes as hard as a rock and I wonder what the hell's going to happen to me. Then I'll move and it subsides. No pain - just a rock hard ball in my stomach.

All the tests that have come back beautiful:
-Cervical length check at 17 weeks (4.3)
-Amnio (all normal)
-Twenty week ultrasound - perfect

The pre-eclampsia related tests (2 weeks ago) - all perfect:
-24 hour urine (normal)
-platelets (190K)
-liver enzymes "look great," per doctor
-uterine arteries recorded good blood flow during 20 week u/s

Blood pressure monitoring at home twice/day. Pretty good. Usually in the 120/70 range (give or take a few points). Faxed to high risk OB every week and he's happy.

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed the next 10 weeks goes by without incident. Need to reach 32 weeks and then my chances are much better of coming home with a live and healthy baby.

Nursery - nada, nothing, zero. Haven't done a thing. Can I just say how counterproductive it is NOT to know the gender of the baby you're carrying? I can't get encouraged about buying a rug or even registering. 90% of what's available is designated girl or boy. Very little is neutral. And most "neutral" items lean boy as you can find many items with some hints of blue while being "neutral" but no items of pink or orange are in the "neutral" zone.

Ugh! I don't know...maybe I should just find out. Would sure make planning easier.

What do you all think? What would you do in my shoes at 21 weeks (knowing gender knowledge is literally a phone call away via amnio result readout)?

Everyone Knows

There is always that little bit of apprehension in the back of my head about blabbing the pregnancy news because...well...because until about 30 weeks, I'm not sure I feel confident about a take-home baby. (Disclaimer: ONLY m/c and infertility will allow such fears to fester)

But because at 4 1/2 months, my pants are tight and I don't button top button, I thought I'd better spill the beans. So, as of last Monday, everyone in my life knows. Whew! It was a little bit nerve-wracking to take that leap and have to hope everything stays positive.

I think it's a very strange thing to actively pursue pregnancy this hard and then keep it a secret for so long and feel nervous to break the news. But, in this process, I've learned that so very many things are strange.