And this amazing little creature just started kindergarten and turns 6 this year!
I doubt anyone's still lurking out there, but I just wanted to post an update. And to wish all of my old blog buddies the best as they walk through life.
5/29/18
Kindergarten
A hundred years ago I began this blog to document my very unorthodox plan to motherhood (single, donor embryo) and the universe rewarded me with a beautiful, intelligent, healthy, kind, curious, funny, witty, empathic and loving human being. I was so lucky.
And this amazing little creature just started kindergarten and turns 6 this year!
(Image removed)
I doubt anyone's still lurking out there, but I just wanted to post an update. And to wish all of my old blog buddies the best as they walk through life.
And this amazing little creature just started kindergarten and turns 6 this year!
I doubt anyone's still lurking out there, but I just wanted to post an update. And to wish all of my old blog buddies the best as they walk through life.
2/21/14
Grateful
So grateful my eggs were crap - or I wouldn't have this beauty. My strong, sweet, hilarious, smart, fiery soul. She loves animals and all things Disney Princess - yet she's no girly girl. She is a rough and tumble girl, that's for sure.
I've connected with several of her half siblings and it's eerie how much they look alike. They all look like full siblings - a testament to the powerful genes of their sperm donor.
We're doing well. She's 3 years old and in pre-school - the most awesome creature on the planet and my love for her has no bounds. I couldn't have imagined the depth and power of this love. All else pales by comparison.
I hope you're all healthy and enjoying life with your families. I miss the active blogging days sometimes and I sure do wish others would post, at least a couple of times a year, to keep us all caught up. :)
Hugs and love to you all,
Skylar and me, her mommy!
(Images removed)
4/12/13
11 Blasts
C.C...RM won't allow me to donate them to another woman/couple in an open ID situation and so I'm stuck.
On this very blog I said CLEARLY many, many times that I would NOT NOT NOT think anything of donating any residual embryos forward. And, you know what, I don't. But I will admit that after having my daughter, I feel a strong responsibility towards those 11 clumps of cells I created and I simplycannot will not give them to someone anonymously risking the possibility that our children will never know their full siblings.
That I cannot do with a clear conscience. Yes, I would rather donate them to research.
I don't feel like their mother, I feel like their guardian - that I am to ensure they're placed into the hands of good people. And other than maybe "friends" on Fa..ce..bo.ok and sharing some pictures here and there, that's it. I don't want to dictate to those parents what's right for they and their children. I merely want to make every effort possible that my beautiful little lady will have the opportunity to know her siblings - at some point that everyone is comfortable with.
Maybe that's fucked up and asking too much. I don't know.
By the way, here's the latest pic - waiting at doctor's office, she decided to put on my glasses and organize the contents of my purse.
Is she beautiful, or what? :)
(Image removed)
On this very blog I said CLEARLY many, many times that I would NOT NOT NOT think anything of donating any residual embryos forward. And, you know what, I don't. But I will admit that after having my daughter, I feel a strong responsibility towards those 11 clumps of cells I created and I simply
That I cannot do with a clear conscience. Yes, I would rather donate them to research.
I don't feel like their mother, I feel like their guardian - that I am to ensure they're placed into the hands of good people. And other than maybe "friends" on Fa..ce..bo.ok and sharing some pictures here and there, that's it. I don't want to dictate to those parents what's right for they and their children. I merely want to make every effort possible that my beautiful little lady will have the opportunity to know her siblings - at some point that everyone is comfortable with.
Maybe that's fucked up and asking too much. I don't know.
By the way, here's the latest pic - waiting at doctor's office, she decided to put on my glasses and organize the contents of my purse.
Is she beautiful, or what? :)
(Image removed)
11/12/12
Pregnancy: The Cure for Infertility?
Before calling me Captain Obvious, allow me to explain.
Two women on my blog roll (I actually thought it was almost all of them - mostly because I'm prone to exaggeration) and two women in my "real life" and several women on the fertility forum site where I used to hang/post have all received natural BFP's AFTER years of TTC, massive sums of cash forked over to fertility clinics, tons of BFN's, tears and finally the joy of success. Happily, off they went with baby in hand, spooked by the clinical nature of their conception but mostly just damned happy to be mothers.
Birth control? HAAAAAA! Of course not, after that history, would you? But low and behold. They became those women. You know who. The women every annoying know-it-all felt compelled to tell you about when you were knee-deep in follistim injectibles and fertility bills. The women who tried and tried and tried and tried FOREVER to have a child - first by YEARS of regular, unprotected sex and then more years of timed, medicated transfers of beautiful embryos. Only after many of the latter did they finally bring home a baby and voila, they'd report a natural pregnancy not long after.
The stuff of legends? I used to think so. I thought it was 99 parts bullshit, 1 part grain of truth (the pregnancy was truth - how they got there I seriously doubted).
But it's happened too often in my very short sample of infertiles for me to ignore. It happens. And often. There, I said it. Curse me. Whatever. But I calls it as I sees it.
And no, I don't believe it has anything to do with "relaxing" and that these women, now mothers, relieved so much inner stress that their bodies did what they hadn't previously done. No, I don't actually believe that. But I do think there may be some kind of hormonal righting, something that triggers the body to finally do what it just couldn't. Hell, I don't know. I'm no scientist - CLEARLY. I just know that pregnancy changed my body in every single way (none of which was good, frankly) and I would be foolish not to allow for the possibility that it stirs the chemistry just enough, cleans out the pipes ever so diligently that...natural conception becomes far more likely.
A mutual friend Kathy. Eight years, countless IVF's and finally, twin boys. When they were 8 months and she was going out of her mind trying to juggle it all, she was nauseaus. Isabella was born 9 months later. She never had unprotected sex again.
A colleague. Two years of IVF. A baby girl. Six months later. Holy shit, she was pregnant.
Emmeline's mommy. IVF after too many years of unprotected sex yielded no baby. Fresh IVF at CCRM, BFN. Adoption paperwork. FET, BFP. Beautiful little lady. 1.5 years later, miscarriage (read: natural conception) and 12 weeks ago, BFP. Twins, albeit identical (so 1 damned good egg/embryo split). Still. WTF?
Emily. Three failed IVF's after 4 years of unprotected sex and no baby. Finally, a little girl after a successful FET. And when her daughter was about to turn 1, a late period turned into a second daughter. Surprise!
There are actually several others but it's late and you get the point.
I've now turned into one of those women (roll eyes) who absolutely thinks you can get pregnant naturally, despite blowing six figures at the highest end clinics, despite going donor egg route, despite decades of infertility.
The recipe, as far as I can tell is this: regular sex, unblocked fallopian tubes in a woman under 40.
Then again, is that really so magical? Isn't that what everyone has to have?
Perhaps infertiles have just been handed so much shit for so long and had to suck it up and push on to build their families that when years later the very mundane, normal course of things happens - pregnancy - they're ready to call the Vatican and have it declared a miracle.
Awesome. Wonderful. Unexpected. Yes, all of those things. But just pretty normal. And a very very good normal, indeed.
Oh and about us....we're good. I have the most delightful, feisty, ridiculously smart firecracker. She'll outwit me before her 10th birthday. Until then, I'll pretend I'm a formidable opponent. Wish me luck. ;) and here's a recent shot of the little lady who owns my heart. Next month she'll be 2. Wow!
Finally, let me just say how much this post brought back memories. There was a time (2008-2010) when I was on the very edge of my seat reading all of your stories, crying with you and celebrating the really great moments in your lives. There was absolutely a sisterhood I felt, and still do. It's brought me such joy to see that most of us have gone on to have our children, whether by donor eggs or IVF and our own eggs or adoption. We have the children we were meant to have, and that's about as otherworldly as I'm going to get.
There were a couple of ladies that made choices to take different paths and despite loving my daughter more than my own life by leaps and bounds, I can honestly say that motherhood has given me a unique perspective on being childfree. I don't think my life was less happy or complete than it is now. It was merely different, so I know without a shadow of a doubt that either path brings an equally rich and fulfilled life.
Continued happiness, my beautiful sisters.
Two women on my blog roll (I actually thought it was almost all of them - mostly because I'm prone to exaggeration) and two women in my "real life" and several women on the fertility forum site where I used to hang/post have all received natural BFP's AFTER years of TTC, massive sums of cash forked over to fertility clinics, tons of BFN's, tears and finally the joy of success. Happily, off they went with baby in hand, spooked by the clinical nature of their conception but mostly just damned happy to be mothers.
Birth control? HAAAAAA! Of course not, after that history, would you? But low and behold. They became those women. You know who. The women every annoying know-it-all felt compelled to tell you about when you were knee-deep in follistim injectibles and fertility bills. The women who tried and tried and tried and tried FOREVER to have a child - first by YEARS of regular, unprotected sex and then more years of timed, medicated transfers of beautiful embryos. Only after many of the latter did they finally bring home a baby and voila, they'd report a natural pregnancy not long after.
The stuff of legends? I used to think so. I thought it was 99 parts bullshit, 1 part grain of truth (the pregnancy was truth - how they got there I seriously doubted).
But it's happened too often in my very short sample of infertiles for me to ignore. It happens. And often. There, I said it. Curse me. Whatever. But I calls it as I sees it.
And no, I don't believe it has anything to do with "relaxing" and that these women, now mothers, relieved so much inner stress that their bodies did what they hadn't previously done. No, I don't actually believe that. But I do think there may be some kind of hormonal righting, something that triggers the body to finally do what it just couldn't. Hell, I don't know. I'm no scientist - CLEARLY. I just know that pregnancy changed my body in every single way (none of which was good, frankly) and I would be foolish not to allow for the possibility that it stirs the chemistry just enough, cleans out the pipes ever so diligently that...natural conception becomes far more likely.
A mutual friend Kathy. Eight years, countless IVF's and finally, twin boys. When they were 8 months and she was going out of her mind trying to juggle it all, she was nauseaus. Isabella was born 9 months later. She never had unprotected sex again.
A colleague. Two years of IVF. A baby girl. Six months later. Holy shit, she was pregnant.
Emmeline's mommy. IVF after too many years of unprotected sex yielded no baby. Fresh IVF at CCRM, BFN. Adoption paperwork. FET, BFP. Beautiful little lady. 1.5 years later, miscarriage (read: natural conception) and 12 weeks ago, BFP. Twins, albeit identical (so 1 damned good egg/embryo split). Still. WTF?
Emily. Three failed IVF's after 4 years of unprotected sex and no baby. Finally, a little girl after a successful FET. And when her daughter was about to turn 1, a late period turned into a second daughter. Surprise!
There are actually several others but it's late and you get the point.
I've now turned into one of those women (roll eyes) who absolutely thinks you can get pregnant naturally, despite blowing six figures at the highest end clinics, despite going donor egg route, despite decades of infertility.
The recipe, as far as I can tell is this: regular sex, unblocked fallopian tubes in a woman under 40.
Then again, is that really so magical? Isn't that what everyone has to have?
Perhaps infertiles have just been handed so much shit for so long and had to suck it up and push on to build their families that when years later the very mundane, normal course of things happens - pregnancy - they're ready to call the Vatican and have it declared a miracle.
Awesome. Wonderful. Unexpected. Yes, all of those things. But just pretty normal. And a very very good normal, indeed.
Oh and about us....we're good. I have the most delightful, feisty, ridiculously smart firecracker. She'll outwit me before her 10th birthday. Until then, I'll pretend I'm a formidable opponent. Wish me luck. ;) and here's a recent shot of the little lady who owns my heart. Next month she'll be 2. Wow!
There were a couple of ladies that made choices to take different paths and despite loving my daughter more than my own life by leaps and bounds, I can honestly say that motherhood has given me a unique perspective on being childfree. I don't think my life was less happy or complete than it is now. It was merely different, so I know without a shadow of a doubt that either path brings an equally rich and fulfilled life.
Continued happiness, my beautiful sisters.
4/22/12
I love toddlers!
Yeap, I do. They're fun and funny and mischevious and even though it can be...well...maddening, the good far outweighs the bad (for me, anyway). Infants, however - ugh! HATE IT! Drooling blobs that can do NOTHING for themselves but shit and cry, and they do lots of it. There wasn't a single rewarding day for me until she began to crawl at 8 months. Ironically, I'd LOVE another one and with 11 on ice, I could but....c'mon. I'm 45 now and she took enough of a physical toll on my body (c-section healed after the sponge was surgically removed, of course). And then there's the childcare costs. If I were even 40, I'd do it again. Alas, my little lady is likely it for me - but I can so feel the pull for another. :) I've kept up with you all, stalking blogs, cheering and even shedding some tears. I really feel as though there was a sisterhood between us ladies throughout our different paths and I still hold it close to me and think of you all so very often.
There's so much to say but for now, I'll leave you with pictures of my beautiful little lady - 16 months old. The love of my life. And wish you all continued success and happiness and, yes, I'll still be looking in on you all.
(Images removed)
There's so much to say but for now, I'll leave you with pictures of my beautiful little lady - 16 months old. The love of my life. And wish you all continued success and happiness and, yes, I'll still be looking in on you all.
(Images removed)
3/19/11
My c-section wound....
First of all, I just don't blog anymore. This fucking c-section catastrophe has absolutely destroyed me since baby's birth.
But I will give everyone an update. After me complaining about not feeling right and asking why the wound doesn't heal for past 2 months (out of 3) and my legs experiencing shooting pains, etc. (why bore you with all of the details?), I saw the Medical Director of the Wound Center last Monday for a second opinion. He is a Vascular Surgeon and said we should open it back up and clean it out and see what's going on why it hadn't healed.
On St. Patrick's Day, I was in recovery when the surgeon told me they found a "sponge inside." WTF?! My best friend, V, came up from Miami to help me with baby that day/night and left this morning. He'd already seen her while I was out of it to tell her same. She was aghast.
But AT LEAST I know now I wasn't crazy in all of the feelings I was having and I feel so much more positive now that this wound WILL finally heal. Of course, the gaping hole inside me is much larger now but as long as I heal, I'm going to thank my lucky stars!
Anyway....hopefully on the mend, FINALLY!
But I will give everyone an update. After me complaining about not feeling right and asking why the wound doesn't heal for past 2 months (out of 3) and my legs experiencing shooting pains, etc. (why bore you with all of the details?), I saw the Medical Director of the Wound Center last Monday for a second opinion. He is a Vascular Surgeon and said we should open it back up and clean it out and see what's going on why it hadn't healed.
On St. Patrick's Day, I was in recovery when the surgeon told me they found a "sponge inside." WTF?! My best friend, V, came up from Miami to help me with baby that day/night and left this morning. He'd already seen her while I was out of it to tell her same. She was aghast.
But AT LEAST I know now I wasn't crazy in all of the feelings I was having and I feel so much more positive now that this wound WILL finally heal. Of course, the gaping hole inside me is much larger now but as long as I heal, I'm going to thank my lucky stars!
Anyway....hopefully on the mend, FINALLY!
2/16/11
My cutie patootie
Not a great picture of my little one but a cute one all the same. A friend of mine watches her one day a week to give me a break. Her dog, B, is the sweetest guy - a big dumb, happy, nervous and energetic Weimaraner. I trust him COMPLETELY. He couldn't hurt a fly. In fact, my fiery little Pekingese lunged at him a couple of years back and got him in the face and he got scared and keeps away from her since then. He wants no trouble from a 13 lb. Peke. ;)
Anyway, seems my little one was filthy and he decided she absolutely needed her face washed. What a sweetie! And the little one thought it was a hoot.
I'm a very big fan of dogs and kids, as you can tell.
(Oh....My fucked up c-section wound is still not closed and I'm wondering if it'll still be there when my girl goes to grad school - but the wound vac came off today and now I'll just pack it 1-2 times/day, until we see how that goes. UGH!)
2/9/11
Whew! No MRSA!
Fortunately the Infectious Disease doctor didn't call in the guys in the white coats on me when I told him I was freaking out that I have MRSA and am dying and he's keeping it from me.
The CT scan came back clear - no abscess; all clear. And he emphatically said "you don't have MRSA. We've cultured you several times" to which I replied "but did you test me specifically for MRSA?" and he said "yeah, the lab tests for everything." So I remind him ('cause I question an Infectious Disease specialist if he knows MRSA is staph - just a highly resistant staph) and he says "no, staph is on the skin - it's really common; most people have it if you swab them and culture. That's not MRSA." (My OB doctor said last week she'd be surprised if I had MRSA 'cause "you look great and you'd be really really sick." But, hey, she's no Infectious Disease doctor so I dismissed her opinion)
Then he proceeded to tell me that I worry too much and that the mind is a powerful thing, yada, yada, yada.
So I question why this effen wound isn't healed yet and he said it's getting better and basically waved me off and said to relax.
And here's the part only hypocondriacs like me could appreciate. I was down the hall from the Wound Center and I literally thought "maybe the lab got it wrong every culture test and I do have MRSA."
Yeah, even suffering from anxious worry, I realized that would be really unlikely.
Aside from this wound STILL not fully healed, I'm not infected with anything and the CT scan of my abdomen apparently shows normal insides.
I suppose it's just going to be a frustratingly slow(er) process than I'd hoped.
The CT scan came back clear - no abscess; all clear. And he emphatically said "you don't have MRSA. We've cultured you several times" to which I replied "but did you test me specifically for MRSA?" and he said "yeah, the lab tests for everything." So I remind him ('cause I question an Infectious Disease specialist if he knows MRSA is staph - just a highly resistant staph) and he says "no, staph is on the skin - it's really common; most people have it if you swab them and culture. That's not MRSA." (My OB doctor said last week she'd be surprised if I had MRSA 'cause "you look great and you'd be really really sick." But, hey, she's no Infectious Disease doctor so I dismissed her opinion)
Then he proceeded to tell me that I worry too much and that the mind is a powerful thing, yada, yada, yada.
So I question why this effen wound isn't healed yet and he said it's getting better and basically waved me off and said to relax.
And here's the part only hypocondriacs like me could appreciate. I was down the hall from the Wound Center and I literally thought "maybe the lab got it wrong every culture test and I do have MRSA."
Yeah, even suffering from anxious worry, I realized that would be really unlikely.
Aside from this wound STILL not fully healed, I'm not infected with anything and the CT scan of my abdomen apparently shows normal insides.
I suppose it's just going to be a frustratingly slow(er) process than I'd hoped.
2/2/11
WTF!
Seriously, this post is going to be a bitch-fest!!!
So...remember the fucked up c-section wound? Well, has it healed? Fuck NO!
For the first 4 weeks there was huge progress and the wound is now about 1.5 cm deep x .5 cm wide with a "tunnel" off of it about 1.9 cm deep. And for those 4 weeks I wore a wound vac (very cumbersome and depressing to have to carry that 24/7). Anyway, 3 weeks ago the "tunnel" (which had been 1 cm week prior went to 1.5 cm) so I instantly asked doctor for a CT scan or MRI, just to see WTF was going on behind the wound. He said the wound had improved a lot from day one (which it had) and that it would improve following week. It didn't. At the same time he took cultures from inside because I smelled something funny (he didn't). Culture came back positive for staph, yet I was on antibiotics (the right one to cover staph) from week prior which said to me the antibiotics aren't working. He sent me another round of antibiotics.
And then 2 weeks ago it still hadn't improved and I asked why I was even wearing the wound vac if it wasn't improving. He agreed and removed the wound vac and had me pack it twice a day with a gauze that has silver in it (I think silver nitrate or something antibacterial). I did so. No easy task as the entry to wound is teeny - can barely push the head of a Q-t.i.p inside.
Well, the wound is still no better and there is a lot of drainage for such a small wound and the drainage looks "a little cloudy," which is suspicious of infection (meanwhile, I'm on the antibiotic).
FINALLY, this morning he agreed to order a CT scan (I don't know - but I'd feel better if they could see something in there to ease my mind) AND he put me back on the wound vac. Needless to say, I'm depressed to be on this machine again. Oh and he's sent me another antibiotic to take with the current one.
If the CT scan (Friday morning) shows nothing and the wound is no better I'm going to have to see OB and have surgery so they can open it back up, clean it out and put the wound vac on AGAIN.
Honestly, I curse this c-section!!!
If ANYONE out there in cyberspace reads this and has experience with a c-section wound and how much time yours took to heal and if you wore a vac or packed it, please share details with me. I'd like to feel less alone in the world here. :(
As for my little princess, she's beautiful and wonderful - thank the universe for THAT!
So...remember the fucked up c-section wound? Well, has it healed? Fuck NO!
For the first 4 weeks there was huge progress and the wound is now about 1.5 cm deep x .5 cm wide with a "tunnel" off of it about 1.9 cm deep. And for those 4 weeks I wore a wound vac (very cumbersome and depressing to have to carry that 24/7). Anyway, 3 weeks ago the "tunnel" (which had been 1 cm week prior went to 1.5 cm) so I instantly asked doctor for a CT scan or MRI, just to see WTF was going on behind the wound. He said the wound had improved a lot from day one (which it had) and that it would improve following week. It didn't. At the same time he took cultures from inside because I smelled something funny (he didn't). Culture came back positive for staph, yet I was on antibiotics (the right one to cover staph) from week prior which said to me the antibiotics aren't working. He sent me another round of antibiotics.
And then 2 weeks ago it still hadn't improved and I asked why I was even wearing the wound vac if it wasn't improving. He agreed and removed the wound vac and had me pack it twice a day with a gauze that has silver in it (I think silver nitrate or something antibacterial). I did so. No easy task as the entry to wound is teeny - can barely push the head of a Q-t.i.p inside.
Well, the wound is still no better and there is a lot of drainage for such a small wound and the drainage looks "a little cloudy," which is suspicious of infection (meanwhile, I'm on the antibiotic).
FINALLY, this morning he agreed to order a CT scan (I don't know - but I'd feel better if they could see something in there to ease my mind) AND he put me back on the wound vac. Needless to say, I'm depressed to be on this machine again. Oh and he's sent me another antibiotic to take with the current one.
If the CT scan (Friday morning) shows nothing and the wound is no better I'm going to have to see OB and have surgery so they can open it back up, clean it out and put the wound vac on AGAIN.
Honestly, I curse this c-section!!!
If ANYONE out there in cyberspace reads this and has experience with a c-section wound and how much time yours took to heal and if you wore a vac or packed it, please share details with me. I'd like to feel less alone in the world here. :(
As for my little princess, she's beautiful and wonderful - thank the universe for THAT!
12/23/10
Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice....
YEAH! I got my girl! She's beautiful, healthy and delicious. She was born on 12.6.10 at 4:17 pm - three weeks early - 7 lbs. 12 oz. and 20" long.
In short, the protein in my urine was high and it was decided safest to take me to surgery. I didn't attempt natural delivery because, though she was head down, she was very high and I believed I'd end up with a c-section anyway.
I'm going to tell you I've regretted that decision tremendously. I know more people who've had c-sections than natural delivery and not a single one had a complication. But me? Yeap, I did. A week after her birth, a 2" part of my c-section was seeping bloody fluid. The stitches were removed and a hole in my scar is now open so that it heals from the inside out. I see an Infectious Disease specialist at the Hospital's Wound Center and wear something called a "Wound Vac" that sucks the fluid from the hole in my stomach by negative pressure into a small box that I carry around. I've struggled with the anxiety and depression that's come with this health setback but thanks to Zoloft and a conscious effort to stay focused on taking one day at a time, I'm doing okay. Anyway, looks like another month before it's healed and I desperately look forward to it.
Pregnancy was definitely hard on me. I now take meds for high blood pressure (spent 1 day in hospital on Mag Sulfate because my BP was soaring) and we monitor to see if it goes down on its own over time. My cholesterol is very high but doctor says she thinks it's also pregnancy related and wants to re-take in 6 months and make a decision then. Carpel Tunnel in my hands and some nerve issue with a couple of toes in my right foot (probably a pinched nerve).
Hey, I just turned 44 - not the greatest time to have a baby, so I'm going to have to work extra hard to improve my health and labs. I did lose all of the pregnancy weight in 2 weeks, so that's good.
But back to the positive...I've been blessed with this little beauty and good friends who call and email and text and send hugs.
I will eventually come back and post the birth story because it was overwhelming and complex and really beautiful.
For now I'll leave you all with a picture of my lovely lady and wishes for a wonderful holiday and a better 2011 than any of us even imagines!
In short, the protein in my urine was high and it was decided safest to take me to surgery. I didn't attempt natural delivery because, though she was head down, she was very high and I believed I'd end up with a c-section anyway.
I'm going to tell you I've regretted that decision tremendously. I know more people who've had c-sections than natural delivery and not a single one had a complication. But me? Yeap, I did. A week after her birth, a 2" part of my c-section was seeping bloody fluid. The stitches were removed and a hole in my scar is now open so that it heals from the inside out. I see an Infectious Disease specialist at the Hospital's Wound Center and wear something called a "Wound Vac" that sucks the fluid from the hole in my stomach by negative pressure into a small box that I carry around. I've struggled with the anxiety and depression that's come with this health setback but thanks to Zoloft and a conscious effort to stay focused on taking one day at a time, I'm doing okay. Anyway, looks like another month before it's healed and I desperately look forward to it.
Pregnancy was definitely hard on me. I now take meds for high blood pressure (spent 1 day in hospital on Mag Sulfate because my BP was soaring) and we monitor to see if it goes down on its own over time. My cholesterol is very high but doctor says she thinks it's also pregnancy related and wants to re-take in 6 months and make a decision then. Carpel Tunnel in my hands and some nerve issue with a couple of toes in my right foot (probably a pinched nerve).
Hey, I just turned 44 - not the greatest time to have a baby, so I'm going to have to work extra hard to improve my health and labs. I did lose all of the pregnancy weight in 2 weeks, so that's good.
But back to the positive...I've been blessed with this little beauty and good friends who call and email and text and send hugs.
I will eventually come back and post the birth story because it was overwhelming and complex and really beautiful.
For now I'll leave you all with a picture of my lovely lady and wishes for a wonderful holiday and a better 2011 than any of us even imagines!
11/23/10
Home Free!
I must have some nerve stating that, but I'm going to go out on a limb and feel confident now.
I don't know how other women do it but I had milestones on my calendar. Something like this:
-20 Weeks - half way there!
-28 Weeks - semi safe zone (can breathe a bit easier)
-30 Weeks - minimum delivery date I can feel good with
-32 Weeks - still NICU but healthy baby would result
-34 Weeks - maybe NICU but very confident about healthy baby
-35 Weeks - HOME FREE!
And tomorrow is Home Free!
Now, do I think nothing can go wrong? HELL NO! I'm too cautious and realistic to live in a cloud, but I do think the odds are definitely in my favor - especially that the little monkey measures almost 2 weeks ahead (just a big baby) and my uterine arteries are good - no notching (some studies suggest the opposite of my results indicate pre-eclampsia in your future).
Mostly good news. But I see the doctor every week now and my blood pressure is a concern. I've been diagnosed with "Borderline" Pregnancy Induced Hypertension and my physical complaints are nearly endless. But I've made it to 35 weeks so I have MUCH to be thankful for.
The worst time, psychologically, was during weeks 23-28. I desperately feared anything that would necessitate delivery because I was terrified of the outcome - a micro preemie with a dozen serious health conditions and many more I'd learn of later - and how would I handle that as a single parent? How does anyone handle that, even with tons of help? 28 weeks was a real reason for me to feel safer. And I also figured they could keep me in the hospital and try to get 2 more weeks out of me. But none of those worries came to pass - thank the universe!
Frankly, I'd be surprised if I didn't deliver in the next 2 weeks because of the blood pressure crap going on and my general well-being, or lack thereof. And this would be fine by me. I'm ready.
Rest assured I will publish the birth story, post a pic and not hold anything back! ;)
So I'll sign off with a very sincere wish for you all to have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your friends and family and much health and fertility wishes to all!
I don't know how other women do it but I had milestones on my calendar. Something like this:
-20 Weeks - half way there!
-28 Weeks - semi safe zone (can breathe a bit easier)
-30 Weeks - minimum delivery date I can feel good with
-32 Weeks - still NICU but healthy baby would result
-34 Weeks - maybe NICU but very confident about healthy baby
-35 Weeks - HOME FREE!
And tomorrow is Home Free!
Now, do I think nothing can go wrong? HELL NO! I'm too cautious and realistic to live in a cloud, but I do think the odds are definitely in my favor - especially that the little monkey measures almost 2 weeks ahead (just a big baby) and my uterine arteries are good - no notching (some studies suggest the opposite of my results indicate pre-eclampsia in your future).
Mostly good news. But I see the doctor every week now and my blood pressure is a concern. I've been diagnosed with "Borderline" Pregnancy Induced Hypertension and my physical complaints are nearly endless. But I've made it to 35 weeks so I have MUCH to be thankful for.
The worst time, psychologically, was during weeks 23-28. I desperately feared anything that would necessitate delivery because I was terrified of the outcome - a micro preemie with a dozen serious health conditions and many more I'd learn of later - and how would I handle that as a single parent? How does anyone handle that, even with tons of help? 28 weeks was a real reason for me to feel safer. And I also figured they could keep me in the hospital and try to get 2 more weeks out of me. But none of those worries came to pass - thank the universe!
Frankly, I'd be surprised if I didn't deliver in the next 2 weeks because of the blood pressure crap going on and my general well-being, or lack thereof. And this would be fine by me. I'm ready.
Rest assured I will publish the birth story, post a pic and not hold anything back! ;)
So I'll sign off with a very sincere wish for you all to have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your friends and family and much health and fertility wishes to all!
10/1/10
My FIRST Baby Gift (came from a blogger buddy!)
So, I have been dreading the registry. I don't know why exactly but a couple of reasons come to mind. I'm still in the danger zone (27 weeks) and maybe I just don't want to seem silly if catastrophe happens. But that's really the minor point. I'm a freak! I hate Ba.bi.e.sR.Us and baby departments in general. It's overwhelming to me - sensory overload, I think.
I've changed all of the toilets in my house by myself - no problem. Sinks, tiling, laminate "wood" flooring - done, done and done. I took care of my mom while she died of cancer - hard as hell, but I did it. And I've given myself hundreds of sub-q and intramuscular needles throughout the IVF process. I'm independent and I guess I realized recently that I really like being "in control" and able to take care of myself. But when I walk into baby mega store, I feel like I'm on the moon, building an eco-friendly human habitat with no scientific experience. I get a pang of anxiety and, really, I just want to leave and avoid the whole thing.
Well, some friends have been hounding me about doing the registry for an office shower and a shower from my small group of personal girlfriends. I confessed to two of my friends that I just had trouble with the store and they eagerly volunteered to come with me - and make it a girl's afternoon. So we did - two Saturdays ago.
And what did the UPS man bring to my door? A huge box and a little box. Hmm...I hadn't ordered anything, so I was wondering...What did I find when I opened it? My changing pad and the softest cover - both from my registry. From my family? Nope. From my closest girlfriends IRL? No. My very first baby gift EVER came from Me - someone who's come to my rescue (with a little help from her mister) before and been so kind to me. I loved meeting her in Denver during our coinciding trips and just talking. She's the kind of person I generally gravitate to - honest (even brutally so, which I adore), kind, highly intelligent and the kind of person you know instantly is all substance and zero bullshit - all the things I find comforting and refreshing.
So...Me...I thank you and thank you some more for being so generous and doing such a sweet thing. I'm not a highly sensitive person but - hormones, ya know - I welled up when I saw your name on the paperwork. And please remember that when you're in central NJ for a business trip, we're meeting up for a couple of drinks on me!
This IF blogging community has been such a positive experience for me. :)
I've changed all of the toilets in my house by myself - no problem. Sinks, tiling, laminate "wood" flooring - done, done and done. I took care of my mom while she died of cancer - hard as hell, but I did it. And I've given myself hundreds of sub-q and intramuscular needles throughout the IVF process. I'm independent and I guess I realized recently that I really like being "in control" and able to take care of myself. But when I walk into baby mega store, I feel like I'm on the moon, building an eco-friendly human habitat with no scientific experience. I get a pang of anxiety and, really, I just want to leave and avoid the whole thing.
Well, some friends have been hounding me about doing the registry for an office shower and a shower from my small group of personal girlfriends. I confessed to two of my friends that I just had trouble with the store and they eagerly volunteered to come with me - and make it a girl's afternoon. So we did - two Saturdays ago.
And what did the UPS man bring to my door? A huge box and a little box. Hmm...I hadn't ordered anything, so I was wondering...What did I find when I opened it? My changing pad and the softest cover - both from my registry. From my family? Nope. From my closest girlfriends IRL? No. My very first baby gift EVER came from Me - someone who's come to my rescue (with a little help from her mister) before and been so kind to me. I loved meeting her in Denver during our coinciding trips and just talking. She's the kind of person I generally gravitate to - honest (even brutally so, which I adore), kind, highly intelligent and the kind of person you know instantly is all substance and zero bullshit - all the things I find comforting and refreshing.
So...Me...I thank you and thank you some more for being so generous and doing such a sweet thing. I'm not a highly sensitive person but - hormones, ya know - I welled up when I saw your name on the paperwork. And please remember that when you're in central NJ for a business trip, we're meeting up for a couple of drinks on me!
This IF blogging community has been such a positive experience for me. :)
9/2/10
Blue or Pink?
I don't know either.
Thanks for all of your replies. I think, given I've waited this long, I'll wait until birth.
What helped? Something really really really silly. I found a nursery theme that could work for now and when I have the baby, I can incorporate more gender specific colors into it.
It's not the greatest but I like it. And, truthfully, I'm looking much more forward to creating a beautiful little girl's or boy's room vs. a baby nursery. I'd love to see the excitement and joy in a little one's face over getting their big girl/boy bed and the room being decorated exactly as they want.
Thanks for all of your replies. I think, given I've waited this long, I'll wait until birth.
What helped? Something really really really silly. I found a nursery theme that could work for now and when I have the baby, I can incorporate more gender specific colors into it.
It's not the greatest but I like it. And, truthfully, I'm looking much more forward to creating a beautiful little girl's or boy's room vs. a baby nursery. I'd love to see the excitement and joy in a little one's face over getting their big girl/boy bed and the room being decorated exactly as they want.
8/22/10
21 weeks and a rainy Sunday in NJ
I love this weather (not every day for months, of course, but once in a while - it's wonderful). Been hanging out with the cutest, cuddliest and sweetest kids on earth - my furbabies. My little girl (Pekingese), who adores me but is true to her aloof natured breed, trotted over a while ago and wanted me to put her on the couch next to me because she's scared of the thunder. Now she's sleeping peacefully pressed up against me. I just love it. :)
Let's see, what's new on the pregnancy front....
I feel the baby move, which is weird and such an unfamiliar feeling but it does remind me the baby's alive - so that's the good part.
I've had those Braxon Hicks contractions. My first was around 14 weeks. It's always happened at night or as I wake. My stomach becomes as hard as a rock and I wonder what the hell's going to happen to me. Then I'll move and it subsides. No pain - just a rock hard ball in my stomach.
All the tests that have come back beautiful:
-Cervical length check at 17 weeks (4.3)
-Amnio (all normal)
-Twenty week ultrasound - perfect
The pre-eclampsia related tests (2 weeks ago) - all perfect:
-24 hour urine (normal)
-platelets (190K)
-liver enzymes "look great," per doctor
-uterine arteries recorded good blood flow during 20 week u/s
Blood pressure monitoring at home twice/day. Pretty good. Usually in the 120/70 range (give or take a few points). Faxed to high risk OB every week and he's happy.
I'm just keeping my fingers crossed the next 10 weeks goes by without incident. Need to reach 32 weeks and then my chances are much better of coming home with a live and healthy baby.
Nursery - nada, nothing, zero. Haven't done a thing. Can I just say how counterproductive it is NOT to know the gender of the baby you're carrying? I can't get encouraged about buying a rug or even registering. 90% of what's available is designated girl or boy. Very little is neutral. And most "neutral" items lean boy as you can find many items with some hints of blue while being "neutral" but no items of pink or orange are in the "neutral" zone.
Ugh! I don't know...maybe I should just find out. Would sure make planning easier.
What do you all think? What would you do in my shoes at 21 weeks (knowing gender knowledge is literally a phone call away via amnio result readout)?
Let's see, what's new on the pregnancy front....
I feel the baby move, which is weird and such an unfamiliar feeling but it does remind me the baby's alive - so that's the good part.
I've had those Braxon Hicks contractions. My first was around 14 weeks. It's always happened at night or as I wake. My stomach becomes as hard as a rock and I wonder what the hell's going to happen to me. Then I'll move and it subsides. No pain - just a rock hard ball in my stomach.
All the tests that have come back beautiful:
-Cervical length check at 17 weeks (4.3)
-Amnio (all normal)
-Twenty week ultrasound - perfect
The pre-eclampsia related tests (2 weeks ago) - all perfect:
-24 hour urine (normal)
-platelets (190K)
-liver enzymes "look great," per doctor
-uterine arteries recorded good blood flow during 20 week u/s
Blood pressure monitoring at home twice/day. Pretty good. Usually in the 120/70 range (give or take a few points). Faxed to high risk OB every week and he's happy.
I'm just keeping my fingers crossed the next 10 weeks goes by without incident. Need to reach 32 weeks and then my chances are much better of coming home with a live and healthy baby.
Nursery - nada, nothing, zero. Haven't done a thing. Can I just say how counterproductive it is NOT to know the gender of the baby you're carrying? I can't get encouraged about buying a rug or even registering. 90% of what's available is designated girl or boy. Very little is neutral. And most "neutral" items lean boy as you can find many items with some hints of blue while being "neutral" but no items of pink or orange are in the "neutral" zone.
Ugh! I don't know...maybe I should just find out. Would sure make planning easier.
What do you all think? What would you do in my shoes at 21 weeks (knowing gender knowledge is literally a phone call away via amnio result readout)?
7/30/10
Everyone Knows
There is always that little bit of apprehension in the back of my head about blabbing the pregnancy news because...well...because until about 30 weeks, I'm not sure I feel confident about a take-home baby. (Disclaimer: ONLY m/c and infertility will allow such fears to fester)
But because at 4 1/2 months, my pants are tight and I don't button top button, I thought I'd better spill the beans. So, as of last Monday, everyone in my life knows. Whew! It was a little bit nerve-wracking to take that leap and have to hope everything stays positive.
I think it's a very strange thing to actively pursue pregnancy this hard and then keep it a secret for so long and feel nervous to break the news. But, in this process, I've learned that so very many things are strange.
But because at 4 1/2 months, my pants are tight and I don't button top button, I thought I'd better spill the beans. So, as of last Monday, everyone in my life knows. Whew! It was a little bit nerve-wracking to take that leap and have to hope everything stays positive.
I think it's a very strange thing to actively pursue pregnancy this hard and then keep it a secret for so long and feel nervous to break the news. But, in this process, I've learned that so very many things are strange.
7/21/10
Brief Hit List
-17 weeks and baby good.
-Had my amnio last week. Hurt just a bit but all went well. Results by EOW, I hope.
-Blood pressure's been a little high - high risk OB now managing me. Averaging around 123/72 which is fine. I worry but do try to remember I can only do so much and all else is out of my hands.
-Visited a daycare today. Loved it. Will give them deposit to hold my spot for a March or April admission date.
-Work's been rough. Crazy ass boss flipped out just before Memorial Day. Sent scathing (and 100% unwarranted) email to her boss telling him how deficient he is (and copied his direct and indirect reports). Not only against code of conduct and grossly unprofessional but shockingly ironic! My boss has a serious alcohol problem (yeah, on the job too) who is rarely in the office or accessible and makes about a buck fifty BASE. Yeah, it's hard for me to believe too. So the fucking audacity of telling off her boss who is, by the way, a really good director and a super smart, nice and ethical guy, was a testament to her insanity at its best. So, her responsibilities were stripped from her (yet she wasn't fired - inexplicably!) and I now have a new boss. We get along and he's actually in every day. Novel concept, having a boss who provides direction, comes in every day, is sober and doesn't explode with sobbing, dramatic fits once a week.
-I love my animals so much. I hope that never changes. Oh, I have established a back-up plan for my beautiful little hairy munchkins in case I have to be admitted to hospital early. What a relief!
-Don't know gender and don't care to be surprised. Just too scared of having a boy to want to hear it now (vs. at delivery). I hate sports, damn it. Really doubt I could be a great mom to a boy - despite my friends telling me just the opposite. That I love camping and hiking and outdoorsy stuff - which is true. But, after all, I'm a chick and a single chick at that. So a girl would just be easier for me to relate to. But, whatever will be will be and if he's healthy, I will consider that fortunate enough.
-Have an appointment with an estate attorney in August. Just really need to get my will together, healthcare directives, power of attorney (for finances and healthcare) and whatever else needs to be in place. Everything WILL be fine. But not being prepared is fucked up and irresponsible for a single woman. I have to make sure long before I'm in the delivery room, all this stuff is settled - JUST as a precaution (and it'll buy me much stress relief as well).
That's it for now.
-Had my amnio last week. Hurt just a bit but all went well. Results by EOW, I hope.
-Blood pressure's been a little high - high risk OB now managing me. Averaging around 123/72 which is fine. I worry but do try to remember I can only do so much and all else is out of my hands.
-Visited a daycare today. Loved it. Will give them deposit to hold my spot for a March or April admission date.
-Work's been rough. Crazy ass boss flipped out just before Memorial Day. Sent scathing (and 100% unwarranted) email to her boss telling him how deficient he is (and copied his direct and indirect reports). Not only against code of conduct and grossly unprofessional but shockingly ironic! My boss has a serious alcohol problem (yeah, on the job too) who is rarely in the office or accessible and makes about a buck fifty BASE. Yeah, it's hard for me to believe too. So the fucking audacity of telling off her boss who is, by the way, a really good director and a super smart, nice and ethical guy, was a testament to her insanity at its best. So, her responsibilities were stripped from her (yet she wasn't fired - inexplicably!) and I now have a new boss. We get along and he's actually in every day. Novel concept, having a boss who provides direction, comes in every day, is sober and doesn't explode with sobbing, dramatic fits once a week.
-I love my animals so much. I hope that never changes. Oh, I have established a back-up plan for my beautiful little hairy munchkins in case I have to be admitted to hospital early. What a relief!
-Don't know gender and don't care to be surprised. Just too scared of having a boy to want to hear it now (vs. at delivery). I hate sports, damn it. Really doubt I could be a great mom to a boy - despite my friends telling me just the opposite. That I love camping and hiking and outdoorsy stuff - which is true. But, after all, I'm a chick and a single chick at that. So a girl would just be easier for me to relate to. But, whatever will be will be and if he's healthy, I will consider that fortunate enough.
-Have an appointment with an estate attorney in August. Just really need to get my will together, healthcare directives, power of attorney (for finances and healthcare) and whatever else needs to be in place. Everything WILL be fine. But not being prepared is fucked up and irresponsible for a single woman. I have to make sure long before I'm in the delivery room, all this stuff is settled - JUST as a precaution (and it'll buy me much stress relief as well).
That's it for now.
6/23/10
NT Scan (12w6d) - Baby Marcel
First and foremost: It's alive! Whew! Heartbeat and all!
The NT measurement was between 1-2, which I was told is good. And I saw an arm and leg darting around (very cute). My good friend's daughter is due 2 months before I am and when I received her NT scan u/s pic, the baby had the cutest profile ever. Looked like a little girl with the most adorable nose. Mine, on the other hand, looks like a sock monkey. Then the baby faced me and it looked like a little demon. Hey, I love my little one and was very happy to see him/her and that the reports were very good. But my friend "R" said I can just call the baby Marcel (which, for you "Frie.nd.s" fans, was the name of Ro.s.s's pet monkey. :)
The NT measurement was between 1-2, which I was told is good. And I saw an arm and leg darting around (very cute). My good friend's daughter is due 2 months before I am and when I received her NT scan u/s pic, the baby had the cutest profile ever. Looked like a little girl with the most adorable nose. Mine, on the other hand, looks like a sock monkey. Then the baby faced me and it looked like a little demon. Hey, I love my little one and was very happy to see him/her and that the reports were very good. But my friend "R" said I can just call the baby Marcel (which, for you "Frie.nd.s" fans, was the name of Ro.s.s's pet monkey. :)
6/19/10
Week 12
The last couple of days I've been feeling better. I think. Maybe I'm just hoping it's real. The all-day queasiness isn't really gone but I'm not as drop dead tired.
My NT scan is on Wednesday. I took the day off as a precaution. Yeah, I worry that maybe the baby bird is gone already. Thursday night I was changing the litterbox (yes, it's okay - my cats are 100% indoor and have been for their whole lives, plus I was still just tested for toxoplasmosis as a precaution) and carrying the old litter in the trash to the curb for trash pick-up next day. And I knew I had to poop (seriously, yes it's TMI - but what about the IF process isn't?) and my lower back started to hurt me TERRIBLY. It felt as though there was a dull, achy 20 lbs. bowling ball going to come out and I suddenly got very bad abdominal/pelvic (who the hell knows where) cramps. I thought for sure that was it, the little bird was done and coming out.
I ran to the bathroom and there was only poop. No baby. No blood. I felt instantly well and no back pain and those symptoms went right away. But it was frightening and I do still imagine lying there on Wednesday with the tech girl struggling to find a heartbeat.
Why does my brain betray me and go there?!
My NT scan is on Wednesday. I took the day off as a precaution. Yeah, I worry that maybe the baby bird is gone already. Thursday night I was changing the litterbox (yes, it's okay - my cats are 100% indoor and have been for their whole lives, plus I was still just tested for toxoplasmosis as a precaution) and carrying the old litter in the trash to the curb for trash pick-up next day. And I knew I had to poop (seriously, yes it's TMI - but what about the IF process isn't?) and my lower back started to hurt me TERRIBLY. It felt as though there was a dull, achy 20 lbs. bowling ball going to come out and I suddenly got very bad abdominal/pelvic (who the hell knows where) cramps. I thought for sure that was it, the little bird was done and coming out.
I ran to the bathroom and there was only poop. No baby. No blood. I felt instantly well and no back pain and those symptoms went right away. But it was frightening and I do still imagine lying there on Wednesday with the tech girl struggling to find a heartbeat.
Why does my brain betray me and go there?!
6/7/10
OMG! I'm med free! (Wooooo Hooooo!)
That's it - I'm done. My E2 was nearly 900 today and my P4 was 16.4 (which the nurse said is fine but I think it's low, given I was on PIO).
I'm going to trust them. I'm offcially off all meds starting tonight and on Thursday go in for final labs and if good, I get to wear my cap and gown. ;)
(my ass was doing a happy dance at the idea of not seeing another needle!)
I'm going to trust them. I'm offcially off all meds starting tonight and on Thursday go in for final labs and if good, I get to wear my cap and gown. ;)
(my ass was doing a happy dance at the idea of not seeing another needle!)
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