Let there be light

I must begin by thanking each and every single one of you wonderful ladies. Hearing from so many caring souls out there - many of which are new to my blog - was so heart-warming and gave me such comfort while I sat in a fog.

There were a couple of weeks there that I actually believed I would donate my 14 remainning embryos and call it a day. In an email exchange, Kami gently suggested I hang on to a couple of them - just in case I changed my mind. Within days I'd already begun to come around (thanks again Kami!).

What happened? Well, I think it was truly a fluke. I got very very sick - probably food poisoning of some sort - and days later I started to bleed and things just sort of tumbled from there. No sense in rehashing it now, I guess.

Oh, and the bizarre depression. Let me tell you all that before the loss, I experienced depression and anxiety that worsened considerably by the day. It all began in my seventh week. I think it was the very high dose of PIO (my progesterone level was over 70) and other pregnancy hormones that conspired badly for me. Between week seven and eight, I lost 10 lbs. and was barely sleeping. I would wake up at 3 AM with such anxiety that one night I had an urge to leave my house in the middle of the night in a rain storm and run down the street, barefoot, as fast as I could to a field a few blocks away and lay in the mud. No, I don't think I was psychotic but I was desperate to RUN, anxious to get away from myself. It's difficult to explain.

My OB wanted me to take Zoloft and insisted it was relatively safe during pregnancy and that it's certainly far safer than a deep depression - but I worried about eating a soft cheese, never mind an anti-depressant!

However, after two weeks on Zoloft, I woke up feeling brand spanking new. I realized I'd slept the entire night and that the world no longer felt like it was coming to an end. I will remain on the Zoloft (which is the lowest dose that's prescribed) throughout any future pregnancy and increase the dose if/when I give birth as I am a prime candidate for post-pardom depression. Hey, I could think this is a bad break but a lot of women have far greater physical and medical challenges during pregnancy and they do what they have to do. So will I.

After refusing to have a re-group, last Monday I finally had my phone consult with Dr. Surrey and he was happy to know I'd do a FET. Before that, I have to have a saline sonogram to make sure everything is looking good inside and he gave me the option of bloodwork for blood clotting issues, though he didn't think it would be necessary as we both classified this as a fluke.

I thought I might transfer by Christmas but in what can only be called AWESOME news, my company's annual medical enrollment notice this week came with news of brand new health plans and guess what? Yeap! There is infertility coverage. I could say "FUCK! Why didn't they do this last year and I could have saved 15K from my whopping bill" but I won't. I'm going to be thankful that they'll cover 50% up to 15K in 2010 for infertility services and be extremely thankful, which I am!

My plan will be as last time - transfer only 1 embryo, as I have no desire for twins. Dr. Surrey reminded me that my embryos are all vitrified so the reality is my chances are nearly as good with these as with the fresh transfer - something I knew when they were frozen and always found comfort in.

So, it's a January FET for me!

Now, about you all....I've been following all of your blogs ladies and I'm so thrilled to see how wonderfully it's going for so many of you (and this must be the year for girls, girls, girls!). For those of you in process, I have my fingers crossed and am very hopeful you'll be successful, at last. I'll be commenting on your blogs soon enough again!

Big hugs and another enormous thanks for the kindness and sensitivity you've all demonstrated.

It's over

Became extremely sick and I knew something was terribly wrong.

Can't go into details. Please, no pity for me - I couldn't take it right now. I have no idea what the future holds at this point and it may be just me and the furbabies and that's going to have to be okay.

Wishing you all the best and that your dreams unfold exactly as you wish them to. They can.

First OB Scan

For me, I think it's a combination of fear, my nature to protect myself from the pain of unexpected bad news and the fact that I have had no m/s or symptoms of any kind (other than being especially weepy, which is very uncharacteristic of me). Now, I have always said, I want NO m/s, please - but, obviously, the flip side of that is it leaves me wondering if the little appleseed decided not to stick around. And, though I don't believe in a supreme being, I do believe that the right things often have a way of unfolding when they don't always seem the best. So I was trying to be ready for a couple of outcomes today.

You were all right! Other than measuring 2 days behind (I was told +/- 3 days is fine), the heartbeat was 123 bmp and everything looked "right on track." I was at my former RE's office in NJ and I was so lucky to get the doctor I most loved there today - he's so tender, gentle and kind. He flipped on the audio switch and I could hear the heartbeat waves. Wow!



Thank you all for the encouragement when I was, clearly, lacking.

Apprehensive

My first ultrasound is the day after tomorrow - Thursday morning. I don't even know if it's accurate to say I'm worried. Right now I'll just say I'm not feeling very encouraged. I feel no symptoms, nothing. The aching boobs I had (which were agony) have subsided to nothing over the past week and a half.

I do wonder if it's over already and it's just the 2cc's of PIO keeping me in the dark.

Pretty down today. The weather in NJ is gloomy and rainy and I miss my mom something awful. Hug your moms girls (and your dads). You can't understand or believe how excruciating their loss will be some day and the perpetual state of awareness that you will never hold them again. I would trade just about anything to have my mom right here on the couch next to me for two hours.

Sorry for the doom and gloom. Gotta get into the "tomorrow is another day" declaration of the lovely Scarlett.

It's the little things....

In the last week I've been icing before the PIO for less and less time. This isn't intentional, mind you, it's just that around 8:30 PM, I make my evening cup of Decaf Vanilla Chai Tea (yummy!) and enjoy it with a biscotti or a half of a cupcake (my neighbor brought me a delicious apple spice cupcake from Martha Stewart's new cupcakes recipe book - which she was sweet enough to stand on line to have signed by Martha herself the other day - a copy for each of us).

Anyway, back to the subject. I usually just forget to ice until it's late and the last few times I've felt the pinch a little but, you know, no big deal. So, tonight I decided not to ice at all. YEAH, I'm such a brave rebel! :) And you know what, the pinch is there but after the needle punctures the skin, it's over - and I think the distribution of the progesterone in oil is actually better without first icing the skin. Maybe I'll give it another go tomorrow night.

In other news, I painted a large canvas today that I've had for years. I chose an inspirational piece of abstract art but hated the outcome. So after it dried, I went back over it with a red shade as the base and tomorrow I will attempt to use this as my inspiration.

Estrogen & Progesterone

e-955
p-73

I'm embarassed to admit that though I know they want the progesterone over 20 with PIO and the estrogen over 300 (or is it 350?) and that I'm definitely doing fine, I don't really know what this all means.

I mean, when do they decide to begin the weaning process (you can tell I'm getting tired of the big IM nightly shot)? Is there a level they want to achieve before they begin that process?

No morning sickness, no problem!

So far, so good. I've feared the whole nausea thing but so far I'm doing well and I will thank my lucky stars if I never have it. For those of you who feel comforted by it, may you have my share :)

However, the last 3 days, I start to get CRAZY TIRED around 3 PM at the office and by the time I'm home (like right now) my eyes are closing. I will probably go to bed in a half hour and fall asleep not too much later. When my alarm's gone off this week, I've woken at 7 AM so tired that I'm sure I could stay asleep until noon.

I can't imagine it's the pregnancy - I mean, I'm 4w5d's! C'mon! The little embryo is probably a fraction of the size of a grain of rice - it can't be demanding of my body yet. So I thought, maybe it's the meds and that could be. Also the tension, the stress, the anxiety sapping my energy mid-day.

Hope you're all doing fab! :)