My nurse emailed, "Your integrin biopsy was positive! Everything looks PERFECT!"
So, I took the opportunity to ask the big when-will-I-be-matched-question (hey, it's been 6 weeks since I last asked). "Now that that's out of the way, I'm actually nervous to ask but it's been nearly five months . . . am I coming up to the top of "the list" any time soon?"
Nine minutes later, a reply. It was 3:15 PM and I didn't open the email because I thought if it was too upsetting, it would be better to read it at home. I didn't think I could read something like, Well, still probably another 4+ months.
Besides having a HEAVY period this week, feeling achy, being incredibly stressed and tired at work and my project load and thinking constantly of my mom and how much I miss her lately, I thought I might just snap.
I imagined I would lay my head down and just cry. I thought, Why? Why are so many with a laundry list of requirements matched with a donor in 1-4 months and here I am almost five months out from being on their "list" with the most basic criteria imaginable (a proven Caucasian donor with anything but brown eyes and does not need to look like me - Sheesh! How much less to ask for?!) and I'm still waiting? Aside from all of the crazy places my brain wanders to, it just hurts and opens some old wounds. Wounds of inadequacy - feeling like no matter how little I may ask for, how flexible I am, how hard I work for it - I get less than that. And the person who screams the loudest, cuts the line, works the least, demands the most and feels entirely entitled, gets it all - handed to them, and quickly.
I HATE that the squeaky wheel gets oiled because if we all squeaked there would be chaos and my aggravating sense of innate fairness doesn't allow me to kick someone in the chins in order to "win" the race.
I think 4th grade sums it up, when I tried out for cheerleading. I was not the popular girl. It took a lot for me to try out and because I was pretty good at gymnastics, I thought I had a teeny sliver of a chance. Another girl, who I was just a hair less popular than, got the last spot on the team. I skipped home SO happy for her and with such a pure smile on my face that when I trotted through the door, my mom asked "so I guess you made the team?" and I said "oh no, I'm just so happy for Maria because she's not popular either and she made it." It was a twisted little revenge of the nerds moment. Even if it wasn't me, I felt so good for her.
And I can tell you that I haven't changed. I am so genuinely happy for each and every infertile who gets that elusive BFP - because I feel like we're all in this fucked-up club that we want to desperately break out of and for everyone who makes it out, I am so thrilled.
But I'd really like to finally get out of this club too and be one of the lucky ones who makes "the team." (okay, I'm crying now - crap! I hate hormones! :*(
Back to my email inquiry about the "donor list." I couldn't wait more than half an hour. But instead of opening the email at my desk, I walked over to an empty conference room, closed the door behind me and opened the email on my BlackBerry. "Yes, I would think that it should be soon . . . influx in the number of qualified donors who are applying. I am hoping it will be in the next month or so???"
It was the most hopeful news I've had thus far, so I took it - with a big fat smile on my face and skipped home tonight!
13 comments:
Yay on a clean test result and bigger yays on the donor issue! I hope they match you quickly!
Wow! A month or so seems really soon! I can't wait to see you "make the team", Sky!
Great that the Beta 3 integrin test came back positive for you! One less thing to worry about at least. I will cross my fingers that you will get to the top of the donor list ASAP and that it really will be just a month more. What's 4 more weeks after waiting so much time? Hang in there - I'm sorry you're having an emotional time right now. HUGS!!!
Wahoo on the positive beta3 test!!!! Seems you got the results back very quickly. I hope I am as lucky you! I also hope that you get to the top of the donor list soon, good luck to you!
So happy they seem to think it will be soon - I can sooo relate! Our first donor took a YEAR before we got matched, and we were so open about requirements. Sadly we didn't go with a proven donor and that was a mistake in our case (although they are all unproven at some point). I am crossing my fingers that they actually have someone and are just getting all that paperwork done before they can tell you! Hope hope hope. Good luck!
Great post - glad you got to skip home :-). Here's to "making the team" soon! Fingers crossed for a match soon.
I just got tears in my eyes for you! I am so happy. Time will move fast...I promise. YAY for the great intergrin results. We will all get out of this FUCKED UP CLUB one of these days....I hope soon :)
I have to admit that I woke up this morning feeling pretty down myself. Now, after reading your post, I can't stop the tears. I know how you feel but I am so happy for you that your wait will soon be over. That is terrific news! Hopefully, your patience will pay off soon.
I have a feeling your donor will show up soon. Have you asked them why it has taken so long? Perhaps they're trying to find someone who is a good physical match for you, sometimes that can make it take longer... and funny how the parallels of infertility and our teenage years crops up. I was 'unpopular' by choice, I loathed all of that crap and avoided those people like the plague. I lost myself in music and dance and theater and the funky people that lived in that world. But sometimes, it does still feel like I am the odd ball out. Except this time, I didn't choose it. Fingers crossed for some good news for you soon!
This is great news. I am so thrilled for you. I wasn't expecting it to end this way but this is amazing.
Woohoo! A post full of great news! Congrats on the positive beta 3 integrin and the news of an imminent donor match. What a great day! It isn't often that we get such great news while going through IF. Congrats again!
I'm totally with you on wondering why it's taking so long with your minimal criteria... glad you got some quasi-good news tho. :)
So you got your beta3 results in 4 days, is that right? I called my obgyn today as I've been waiting 8 days and they haven't rec'd anything. Ugh, I'm getting impatient!
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