POAS - it's all about self-control

And I have NONE!

In the past couple of days, two ladies on my blog roll (musicmakermomma and onward) are in their 2WW and haven't tested. And that's fascinating enough. But what really impresses me is that it's seemed as if that's not even been a struggle.

Oh how I envy those with that kind of self control, when sticking to 21 Weight Watchers points a day takes every shred of strength and even summoning myself to bed at 8 PM some nights so I can sleep vs. eat. Ugh!

I am one of those crazy-ass POAS-aholics! Guilty as charged.

I HATE surprises. Yeah, I do. I really really really do. I mean, c'mon - if the "surprise" is Hugh Laurie waiting for me in bed, I'm not going to get pissed off or anything. And I welcome the final number on the 160M Mega lottery coming to me as a great big surprise! But, how many surprises in our lives are truly that sweet?

Maybe for you gals, that's how life has played out and, if so, awesome for you, honestly. But, for me, surprises are usually not good ones and often they're just complex problems for me to solve. Great, thanks.

So when I cycled with my eggs a year ago, I tested 4 days before the beta on a Sunday. Negative. And when I cycled with those wonderful donor embryos that I still think about, I tested 3dp5dt (negative) and 4dp5dt (a second vertical line the girth of a pink human baby hair sliced a hundred times could be seen with a magnifying glass in natural outdoor sun and only when tilted just so). On 5dp5dt, it was still hard to see but it took no real imagination to accept it was a BFP.

Why I POAS. Aside from the lack of self-control and hating surprises, I want to control the very little I can in this process - and that's how and when I get the information that could light my face and warm my heart like a thousand suns or could crush me into a despondent, sobbing mess. I can't imagine waiting until beta day, having a blood draw, going to work and then sitting there waiting for that phone to ring, shaking in my boots, jumping every time the phone rings and knowing the voice on the other end holds the key to my future.

The ONLY thing I feel like I still have in this process is control over when I know I'm pregnant (or not). It's one of the only things that I can still do that's special ON MY OWN - without relying on a stranger to help me with that too; without her knowing before me.

For the dirtiest confession from me - I am the owner of 5 HPT's from the dollar store, 4 of The Answer and 2 digital Clear Blue Easy's - all purchased since being matched with a donor 2 weeks ago.

Uh huh, I'll be testing the day of transfer and every day thereafter. It feeds my neurosis, probably worries me more and yet doing otherwise is unfathomable!

I raise my glass to those of you whose approach and restraint seems much healthier - may the voice that brings you the news reveal the most WONDERFUL surprise, you certainly deserve it!


onwardandsideways said...

Funny, I was seriously just thinking about running out to the drugstore. If I do it, I'm not going to tell my husband. I can take getting bad news twice, I'm not sure he can. One of the things that broke my heart the most this time around was seeing his face fall when Surrey delivered the news.

Get this: not only am I not having a problem not POASing, I am also planning to not answer the phone when I get The Call on Tuesday. For some weird reason, I'd rather get the negative on a voicemail. Cuz I'm all crazy like that.

I just found out that a woman who cycled at CCRM at almost the same time as me (we would have been cycle buddies had my donor not stimmed slowly) got a BFN. With Grade 3 and 4 embies put back. They're telling her the best ones are frozen. I'm having a hard time believing that. I hope for her sake they are...

Unknown said...

LOL - OK - I'm not totally like you, but I'm not one to be surprised either. I POAS the night before my beta, and that way I'm not freaking out waiting for that damn phone call!

Sky said...

onward, if you can hold out - honestly, I think that's terrific; do so! Truly, I'm impressed by it! :)

As for the BFN from your almost-cycle-buddy, crappers! WTF is going on?! I mean, I really did my homework on CCRM (boards, the accounts of others, SART and CDC stats, etc.). I know there is NEVER a guarantee but it would really suck if something's somehow slipping out there!

Josée Martens said...

I am like Nikki, and I hold off until the morning of the beta. I prefer to pretend I am pregnant for as along as possible.

I'll be glued to your blog waiting for the daily stick though... when will you cycle?

Sky said...

Hey Mamasoon - I don't cycle for a while (transfer is around 6/9). I don't know that I'll be posting my white sticks, 'cause that's invariably what you get when you start peeing on day 1 - but, hell, maybe I will.

I know the stupid whiteness of the sticks (even on day 1) puts me into a numb funk of sorts after a bad adrenaline rush.

If there's good news and bad news, I always want the bad news first (and twice!) - then I can hit bottom and everything is up from there. Doesn't work for most people but it works for me.

Lost in Space said...

For me it had nothing to do with control and everything to do with fear. I liked the blissful ignorance of "pretending" I was pregnant for those 2 weeks. (No, it wasn't really blissful.....)

For the record, I LOVE when others pee on the sticks early though. (-;

Lorraine said...

SO EXCITING that you're really on your way, even though you do have to wait two months...

As for POASing, I can't bear to do it until the day of the beta. Maybe the day before. I am mostly irritated at the fact that these stick-making companies know that we are dying to find out and they tempt us with their early-result promises.

Still, I have to prepare myself for a negative beta, so I just buy a two-pack and that way I don't use them until the very last minute.

Good luck with all the home renovations - maybe you won't have to hit the treadmill if you're doing all that work!

Leah said...

You know I'm a hopeless, shameless POAS junkie. Test away!

I don't consider it weak, or of lesser self-control. I just NEED to know and the idea of torturing myself waiting for a phone call is silly when the answer could be had in the privacy of my own home.

Frankly, I'm mystified by people who can wait. My hat is off to them, but my heart is with my POAS sisters. :-)

DAVs said...

I've gone both ways.
Our first IVF I POAS two days before beta and it was BFN. I was too naive at that point to realize it was most likely quite accurate.
The second one I didn't use any POAS and I truly, truly, truly believed I was pregnant. And thus that call was unbearable because I wasn't prepared at all.
IVF#3 and #4 I used them the day of the beta and then tried to get out of going to get the blood drawn, but relented and paid for the stupid beta test just to confirm what we all already knew.
I really hate those sticks!

Sue said...

hahaha! that is so me! my neighbor always jokes that if I get pregnant or stop trying, Walgreens will go out of business! I can't help it. I feel the same way about control over SOMETHING in this process. Also, I have a complex about those poor nurses who have to call and give women bad news...I'd much rather give THEM the news that I am not pregnant and tell them I'm okay. That is a hard and thankless job! So, in feeling bad for the women who call me to tell me bad news, I always POAS the day of the beta, to be sure (but that would be the 6th or 7th test I take usually, be they BFNs or BFPs, I can't seem to control myself). So, store up! I can't wait to follow the madness (um, I mean, progress!).

Riley said...

You make me laugh - I can't believe you already have your stash ready!! Too funny. Thanks for you comments about the whole alcoholism-genetics thing - made me feel much better about my decision!

Anonymous said...

Just to weigh in here - I probably WOULD have POAS had I had the wherewithall to buy the stupid sticks ahead. As it was, so much stuff was going on that suddenly I realized it was the day before my (early) beta. Being a cheapskate and living 40 minutes from the nearest place to purchase sticks, I chose to wait, figuring it wouldn't matter anyway. But to my shock we have a positive - and now I'm on my way to the drugstore for more estrace (and a pack of sticks- hehe)

kayjay said...

Next time, I'm going to POAS because for my last IVF, I didn't and in hind sight, it was worse to sit there and wait for most of the day for THE PHONE CALL. I practically had a melt down when it rang and then I didn't want to answer it. It was overly dramatic by that point and then I couldn't understand what the nurse was telling me after she gave me the news because my wits were so scrambled. I want to control when DH and I find out next time so if it's +, we celebrate together. If it's - than we also can hold each other up in the privacy of our home. I was being cheap before and didn't want to spend the $$ on the test but I found a place online (www.saveontests.com) where you can buy the test in bulk for super cheap and now I can pee on as many sticks as I want!!

Sky said...

Kayjay, you're giving a POAS-aholic a link to a discount HPT site? Are you nuts? Do you know that's like telling Amy Winehouse where she can smoke some free crack? (heeeeee!) I'm just kidding - but you just know I'm going to order some, right?


kayjay said...

Hey - just trying to saving you some $$ :). I know I was being cheap but I wasn't about to spend another $16 for a HPT since a beta was "included" in the thousands of $$ I spent for the cycle - LOL. [Than again, what's $16 on $30K??? How screwed up is my logic??] Needless to say I was thrilled to find that site myself!! For my upcoming FET, I'm going to start POAS the very next day after ET since I now have 50 tests to play with :). Can you tell I'm a "buy in bulk" kind of girl?

Kami said...

I always checked first. Like you, I didn't want some stranger - even a nurse I knew pretty well - giving me the news. The ONE cycle I didn't test - because I just knew it was positive - turned out to my only flat out BFN. Lesson learned.

Now, as for the stash you have - that isn't even left overs from a previous cycle - that, my friend, is over the top. Isn't there a POAS'er Anonymous you can attend? ;)

Retro Girl said...

Totally with you on the "I hate surprises". I'm a POASer myself and have the same level of awe for those who exercise self-control.

I know all the brands, the nuances of each, which HCG level they typically test at, read all the reviews...and, perhaps, over the years, have purchased all of them more than once...I could have done a lot with all the money I have spent on those evil sticks!

But, you know, if peeing on a stick makes you happy by eliminating some element of surprise (I say "some" because we have all read onwardandsideways recent post), then pee away, I say, pee away :-).

Jill said...

Oh Sky-wishing you lots and lots of luck! I had the least amount of control with my FET. Hoping for great things for you!!

P.S. I finally changed my blog name and address-


Anonymous said...

I am a crazy tester myself. I try to stop but I can't. And everytime I test. I get my period that day or the next. WTF.
I am new to your blog.Please check out my non profit Parenthood for Me.org and my blog.
We need help spreading the word.

A said...

Hey, more peesticks, the merrier! Now, do you have (at least) one of each kind? blue cross, pink lines, digital, dollar store cheapie or internet cheapie? B/c you *never know* there might be different results or lines on 'em. (addicted much? me? never!)
I also hate surprises and want to fully know what they're going to say when That Call comes w/ the beta results. I do NOT want to be broadsided.

Btw, June 9th is in 46 days according to the ticker on my desktop (that's my due date!)...
I *heart* CCRM.

Kami said...

Hey! Isn't it time for an update?

Miss Tori said...

Yeah, I tend to POAS too, but not as much as you. Although, with this upcoming cycle, if we actually get to ER and ET, I may do it just so I can see what a + HPT looks like! I'll be doing booster HCG shots after the ET, so I know that they'll be fake +'s, but that's beside the point.

You got to do what you got to do. It's how we stay sane in this insane world.