POAS - it's all about self-control
And I have NONE!
In the past couple of days, two ladies on my blog roll (musicmakermomma and onward) are in their 2WW and haven't tested. And that's fascinating enough. But what really impresses me is that it's seemed as if that's not even been a struggle.
Oh how I envy those with that kind of self control, when sticking to 21 Weight Watchers points a day takes every shred of strength and even summoning myself to bed at 8 PM some nights so I can sleep vs. eat. Ugh!
I am one of those crazy-ass POAS-aholics! Guilty as charged.
I HATE surprises. Yeah, I do. I really really really do. I mean, c'mon - if the "surprise" is Hugh Laurie waiting for me in bed, I'm not going to get pissed off or anything. And I welcome the final number on the 160M Mega lottery coming to me as a great big surprise! But, how many surprises in our lives are truly that sweet?
Maybe for you gals, that's how life has played out and, if so, awesome for you, honestly. But, for me, surprises are usually not good ones and often they're just complex problems for me to solve. Great, thanks.
So when I cycled with my eggs a year ago, I tested 4 days before the beta on a Sunday. Negative. And when I cycled with those wonderful donor embryos that I still think about, I tested 3dp5dt (negative) and 4dp5dt (a second vertical line the girth of a pink human baby hair sliced a hundred times could be seen with a magnifying glass in natural outdoor sun and only when tilted just so). On 5dp5dt, it was still hard to see but it took no real imagination to accept it was a BFP.
Why I POAS. Aside from the lack of self-control and hating surprises, I want to control the very little I can in this process - and that's how and when I get the information that could light my face and warm my heart like a thousand suns or could crush me into a despondent, sobbing mess. I can't imagine waiting until beta day, having a blood draw, going to work and then sitting there waiting for that phone to ring, shaking in my boots, jumping every time the phone rings and knowing the voice on the other end holds the key to my future.
The ONLY thing I feel like I still have in this process is control over when I know I'm pregnant (or not). It's one of the only things that I can still do that's special ON MY OWN - without relying on a stranger to help me with that too; without her knowing before me.
For the dirtiest confession from me - I am the owner of 5 HPT's from the dollar store, 4 of The Answer and 2 digital Clear Blue Easy's - all purchased since being matched with a donor 2 weeks ago.
Uh huh, I'll be testing the day of transfer and every day thereafter. It feeds my neurosis, probably worries me more and yet doing otherwise is unfathomable!
I raise my glass to those of you whose approach and restraint seems much healthier - may the voice that brings you the news reveal the most WONDERFUL surprise, you certainly deserve it!