My secret is out (shaking)

Today, I was approached by the Associate Director and Director of the brand team for my company for a manager position that is highly-coveted, to say the least. My personal coo: I was hand picked. They went to my own director who gave me a rave review. If this job were posted, no less than a thousand internal employees would apply and tens of thousands externally.

I turned it down, flat.

She (the hiring person) ask "but why?" to me telling her I'd have to say no because, as sporadic as the business travel would be, I can't do more than a 3-4 nights away a year in the future and then I couldn't explain why. Basically, I just said that there was something personal going on in my life that would preclude me from much travel. She looked perplexed and then I could see that look on her face - the "OMG, does she have cancer?" and I hated not saying more, but I left it at that.

Ten minutes later she pulled me into a private office and said when she was talking to her director, he said "I'll bet she's either pregnant or adopting" and she asked me "is it that?" and that was it. I'm an AWFUL liar - pretty much by choice, I think. I really just hate to lie and, more importantly, I am not ashamed of trying to conceive as a single woman (though the DE part is very personal to me - only the baby will know first!). So I told her about my 16 month IVF journey and she was so happy for me. Incidentally, she also underwent IVF at 42 (my age) and she and her husband had their one and only son who is two-ish now. So I felt a bit more kinship with her because of this sad binder - FERTILITY TREATMENTS! While we chatted, her director walked in and we told him he was right. They tried some more to talk me into the job and that they'd work with me on the most infrequent travel schedule but, ultimately, I said I didn't think that was fair to them and that it would put me under enormous pressure with a new job right now. We all agreed it was bad timing for me. She found me in the kitchen later and said, I'm not done with you - something will come up again in the future and I want you on our team. She hugged me, gave me a kiss and said "good luck." That feels really good, I'll tell ya.

So I broke it to my own director in his office (now that the other two, I really thought he should also know). That means 3 people know and have been asked to keep it to themselves. Again, I am not ashamed of this and it's not the greatest secret in the world but it's something I'd rather not have too out in the open 'cause I really just don't appreciate people asking me every week what's going on or feeling pity for me if it doesn't work out.

Everything in life is about timing, ya know? And right now, a baby is even more important than a fabulous career move. Wow! I've come a long way. :)

Now...let me tell you how prophetic today was. I haven't posted in a month or so. I don't know if it's because I've felt sluggish or down or just so sick and tired of this crap. But I've been wondering if the year I've waited since the heartbreaking chemical pregnancy last summer hasn't maybe dulled my desire for this baby thing. So much time has gone by, only to watch women on the fertility forum I check out who saw their first RE in January for a DE cycle enjoying ultrasound readings by now and I'm still waiting, waiting, waiting, fucking waiting.

I think I have a tipping point - in relationships and in desires. Like, I'm not the girl who chases a guy who doesn't want her. I cry my eyes out daily but I walk away and do not stalk him, call him or accept calls from him. I do have this trait and I think it's healthy. If you push me down enough, I will shut it down, learn how to cope with it and eventually I come out the other side just fine. And I thought waiting a year to cycle again did something to me - sapped the life out of me for this baby.

But here's the surprising (and good) news. When that baby endeavor was threatened today, I jumped into defense action and fought for having the baby. I could have called CCRM, shut this whole thing down, gotten nearly all of my money back, forgotten the whole thing and taken the job. Yet, I didn't. I actually defended this embryo-in-the-making and being a mom.

What a blessing in disguise today turned out to be. Evidently, I really do still want this baby :)