This is my third cycle. My first (March 2008) was with my own eggs and it was a colossal failure. My second (June 2008) was with donor embryos I felt so fortunate to be given. It resulted in a chemical pregnancy. Another failure.
But what those two cycles had in common was the reality of the situation. I felt it. I knew I was in cycle and that I was doing something very proactive and on the cusp of a potential pregnancy.
This time? Not. Boy I hope that's not a sign of anything ominous to come. Not that I believe in "signs" (I believe in good planning, intelligent decisions and some luck of the draw - whatever that means) but I can cave to superstition every now and then too.
Anyway, I really think the culprit of all of this is CCRM and their distant, chilly manner. I've posted about this very subject, I've commented on other's blogs about it. And, from an emotional standpoint - as long as it works - I don't care.
BUT, it's still tough, ya know? I remember my nurse saying to me on Monday when she called. Now don't go thinking she called me unsolicited - that has NEVER happened. In my nine month relationship with them (yeah, a pregnancy's worth without one single transfer yet), they called me unsolicited ONE TIME - just once - and that was to tell me I'd had a DE match 5 months later.
So, back to the call. She said that from this point on we'd be "glued at the hip." I chuckled and said, "that's okay with me" but deep down, I really doubted it.
Well, I don't know what they think "glued at the hip" means 'cause I don't hear from her any more than I did months ago - which is nothing. If I don't email with a question, I don't get a call.
Again, if this is just "the machine" working perfectly ("no news is good news") and so no need to call me and I wind up with a gorgeously successful cycle, WONDERFUL! But it would be much harder to take if - I can't even say the words....because then I would wonder, was "the machine" working properly? Did they just drop the ball? Was I not being notified of critical events? WTF was going on when I was in the dark?
I have an ultrasound on Monday so she and I will talk that afternoon - not only about me ('cause I'm hoping I'll be in a good place) but about the donor and what her follicles look like. She started stims yesterday (crossing fingers).
I think Monday will bring some better news on how this is all going and a retrieval date.
Oh...the point of this post...yeah, I really feel strange, like I'm not in a cycle at all.
6 comments:
I think the weird FET/DE cycle is the culprit. I absolutely did not feel like I was cycling a few short weeks ago at all...and I'm pregnant! So, no, it isn't a sign or anything. Its just that we get used to the shots and the appointments and blood tests and we almost feel like we have control over something during a fresh cycle, so it feels more real. This protocol is just sitting around and sticking on patches with only 2 blooddraws and the rest of it is out of our hands. I thought it was harder!!!
I think I got lucky with my nurse and doctor b/c I felt much better and personally cared for at CCRM (or that's a statement about my local, small, country clinic, I guess). They may be impersonal but they know their business and they won't screw up their success rates for anyone, so you can be sure you are getting great care! You will be pregnant in just a few short weeks!
I understand your frustration. To me, it's all about communication. If these clinics and nurses would just understand that a quick phone call or e-mail works wonders for us crazy infertile women who are sitting around worrying and over analyzing everything. That's been my biggest pet peeve - just communicate with me. Let me know what's going on - then I'm a much calmer, sane patient. Hang in there - I'm sure all is well and hopefully you'll get the chance to have a good discussion on Monday.
Nah... you're just a jaded IVFer, lol.
And yeah, this is the deal at CCRM. The occasional 'heartfelt' comment out of left field that ends up feeling weird because they are so NOT heartfelt. But they do get the job done. I guess there wasn't a clause about hand-holding in the contract, so you can't really blame 'em.
The only ball they dropped on us was 'forgetting' to have us sign their contract. It was presented to us about 1 week before transfer. Hard to believe, but true. And that was when I realized why I was so clueless. They spell out most of the procedure in the contract and there I was shootin' up and covering myself in Vivelle patches without a clue. Kind of funny.
The only thing I found that worked was to keep a running list of questions. If I knew I was going to get a call with them, I'd go over it. If not, I'd send a daily email with my questions. They were really good about getting back to me on email.
I will say that once I got the BFP, I did feel slightly more connected with them. I guarantee you that you'll talk to them at least once a week once you're pregnant.
And yes, I did just say 'once you're pregnant', not if...!
:)
I think it is hard to feel as much a part of it with DE, plus you have physical distance not to mention the lack of communication.
I think you have a right to as many updates as they get. Maybe you can ask the nurse to email you have each donor visit?
I remember asking my RE how many updates I would get for our DE cycle. His response was, "How many updates do most people get or how many does Kami get?"
So, hopefully, CCRM recognizes people are different too and Sky might need more updates than their normal.
No harm in asking.
I'm looking forward to more updates too!
Is it really any different at any other clinic?
I heart my doctor (same as Sue's). When I send an e-mail, he gets back to me in 24 hours. I never ever had that at my old clinic. And he's always so nice on the e-mails.
I don't know, this is my 3rd cycle too (DE FET) and I feel completely out of it. Just going through the motions, I almost forget my meds all the time. I'm not even feeling any side effects, I only know we're involved cuz we are getting billed! My transfer is not til the 30th so I'm a bit behind you - hope you get that warm fuzzy feeling when you get to Denver!
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